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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think husband does not need ‘a list’

91 replies

firstworldproblems2018 · 03/10/2018 08:55

DH works full time, I work part time. Two school age DC. My work is such that 95% of the time I can do school drop off. Sometimes, like today, I have a work thing that means I need him to do it. Last night, he asked me to send him a text message or leave a note with what the DC needed for school and what time they had to be there etc. Hmm He has done drop off numerous times over the years, and they really don’t need to take much (water bottles, school bags, older one needs a snack for break). AIBU to think he really doesn’t need a list and should just get on with it?!

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 03/10/2018 10:45

I think YABU because you said you like to be in control so he’s probably needing to make sure that he gets it right. Damned if he asks for a list and damned if he doesn’t and forgets something.

It would have been quicker to write a checklist than to come on here. I travel a lot and I still have a check list every single time, I like lists though, they keep me focused.

If this is old resentment, then address it.

TheVeryThing · 03/10/2018 10:48

Get him to write the list and then you can check & see if he's missed something.
It's not your job to do all the thinking!

gamerchick · 03/10/2018 10:53

but I suppose it just irritated me yesterday because he never Takes on any of the ‘mental load’ stuff, which is fine

But it's not fine.

Ask him what he thinks the list will look like and you'll confirm. Seems arse wiping is a thing if this thread is anything to go by Hmm

Mine on occasion will try it on and gets interrogated to see what he does know. He doesn't do it often. Same with doing jobs as shit as possible. It then becomes his job as he obviously needs the practise.

He doesnt do that often either.

It seems in the short term easier just to do it for a quiet life but in the long term you end up resentful because they're being deliberately rubbish. How can you repeat someone who does that?

lifecouldbeadream · 03/10/2018 10:54

Yes, to the mental load.... applies in EVERY area of our lives. In my case DH has a very responsible job and yet would be hard pressed to remember which school year his kids are in. I on the other hand HAVE to remember, because if I don’t, no-one does.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/10/2018 10:57

I agree with @Seeline - it isn't easy to pick up the 'mental load' of a job that you only do infrequently. I think we all have 'mental loads', and I know that when I end up doing something that dh usually does, and I do infrequently, I feel unsure and want the reassurance of a list or similar reminder.

I'm not sure it is reasonable to castigate someone for not automatically knowing all the details of something that is usually someone else's job. For example, dh works away a lot, but the days he's away, where he is, and where he's staying vary a lot, and I often can't remember what nights of the week he'll be at home and what nights he's away - so he writes them on the calendar. He doesn't see this as me failing to pick up the mental load - he understands that, whilst his work pattern is something that is a central part of his mental load, so it's easy for him to remember, it is not a central part of mine, so I need a reminder.

fruitshot · 03/10/2018 10:58

I don't think it's arse wiping at all.

No one likes a dictatorial A hole, that's why we sometimes make allowances for other people's short comings. Doesn't mean we can't try and help them do it better next time 👍🏼

WickedLazy · 03/10/2018 11:00

I hate this. Where do men think we get these lists? That we download them from some mental wifi source only known to us? Why can't he make his own list? Because he can't be bothered actually sitting down and thinking about what they need himself? Easier to be handed one and not look at it, think about it or check it, until he needs it, probably right at the last minute.

JellyBaby666 · 03/10/2018 11:00

Sorry but he's not being asked to design the curriculum for his 2 children, he's dropping them off, school requirements are bare minimum dressed, book bags, packed lunch if they have it. Why are we expecting so little of men? What's the worst that will happen if he doesn't do it "your way" - is there a wrong way to drop kids at school?! Dressed, bags, shoes - and the snack, which your older daughter could be in charge of remembering.

Unless there's something specific for that day like we need to pay X for a school trip or they need Y on that day I'd just let him get on with it. I assume he's able to hold down a job and function independently elsewhere in his life!

Bluelady · 03/10/2018 11:11

Just been reading this with a dropped jaw. Do people really sweat the small stuff like this?

gamerchick · 03/10/2018 11:14

Doesn't mean we can't try and help them do it better next time

So arse wiping then?

ravenmum · 03/10/2018 11:19

Do people really sweat the small stuff like this?
Not when their wife does it for them.

catx1606 · 03/10/2018 11:22

"Having said that, if he needed the reminder in writing as well as you telling him, he's being lazy by not bothering to remember what you've told him just hours before he had to do the thing"

It's not always about being lazy. I have a crap memory and am very likely to forget something within an hour of being told so I always ask for a written reminder.

fruitshot · 03/10/2018 11:23

@gamerchick if that's how you see it, so be it! Who gives a shit as long as the end game is achieved.

ravenmum · 03/10/2018 11:28

I have a crap memory and am very likely to forget something within an hour of being told so I always ask for a written reminder.
I have a crap memory and am very likely to forget something within an hour of being told so I always write myself a reminder.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 03/10/2018 11:29

I think it depends what is expecting you to remind him about. If it's stuff that the kids take every single day, like a jacket & packed lunch, then YANBU

If it's "please remind me if we have to send the men with money today to pay for a school trip" then YABU, if this is something you would usually deal with

And how old are your children? They may be old enough to take responsibility for their own belongings

SpoonBlender · 03/10/2018 11:29

95% means he does it one day every two months. If I was doing something important that rarely, I wouldn't be happy without a checklist.

SpoonBlender · 03/10/2018 11:30

Every one month? Bugger! Even so, that's rare enough.

cornflakegirl · 03/10/2018 11:32

Agree this isn't a man / woman thing. DH does all the weeknight club taxiing, so I don't keep the details in my head. I don't actually reliably know which night all the activities are, because it's not information I need to retain.

If the mental load sharing isn't fair, that's a separate issue.

Conseulabananahammock · 03/10/2018 11:37

Yabvu. Firstly hes doing it. And secondly I imagine hes only asking so he doesn't forget anything and does it right. Honestly do not see any issue here at all. My dp will do it for lots of stuff. It's almost like he just wants reassurance hes doing it how I do. I find it quite endearing .

catx1606 · 03/10/2018 11:48

*@ravenmum, why did you just repeat what I said?

NamedyChangedy · 03/10/2018 11:48

I completely understand the mental load point, I'm the same - even though we both work full-time, it exasperates me that I spend so much more time thinking about things that should be joint, and then have to either do them myself or delegate.

BUT in this case, I'd cut him some slack. Even I have checklists for things I do every day, especially school stuff - between PE kit, library books, guided reading, swimming goggles, snack preferences etc, it's really hard to keep track of who needs what.

ravenmum · 03/10/2018 11:49

@catx1606 There's a difference...

StealthNinjaMum · 03/10/2018 11:56

I don't think it's so unreasonable. I do the school run and every day I have to remember something different for each child - homework, reading book, spelling folder, swimming kits, PE kits, water bottle, snack / change of clothing for after school club -- and I see other kids coming in with tennis rackets and musical instruments. Obviously I try to get dc to pack their own stuff the night before but I still do a check before we leave the house.

melj1213 · 03/10/2018 12:44

YABU

I am a single parent and when I have DD on my weeks (50/50 custody with her dad) we have a whiteboard with the weeks schedule in by the door because otherwise I will forget which day she needs her PE kit/swim kit/music etc never mind the one off forms/donations/plastic bottles etc needed for class activity.

Even though I have my DD every other week in that interim week I can easily get out of the routine of school runs and school admin. Fortunately her dad and I have a good coparenting relationship and so we are more than happy to WhatsApp each other reminders of things that have happened on our week that the other parent may not be aware of but needs to know.

Your DH does the school run once every couple of months, is it so wrong that he wants to make sure he hasnt forgotten anything? Its one thing if he just wants a list of obvious things needed on a daily basis (uniform/coat/bag/lunchbox/water bottle etc) as that is basic logic but most people would want clarification of any exceptions (is it PE? Do they need their violin? Are they doing forest school? Do they need to take back the permission form and deposit for the school trip?). I don't even give those things a second thought because they are so normal I have already factored those things into my routine but if someone else was taking over I would spell them out as they may not be aware.

AngelsSins · 03/10/2018 12:46

Tell him to write a list and then send it for you to check over.