AIBU - do you punish a child twice or once?

[whereiscaroline]

Someone is BU. Who is it?

Child has received a detention at school for not being compliant and for backchatting and making noise in a lesson.

"Chris" thinks the child should also be punished at home to send a strong message.

"Alex" thinks the child is being punished already by school and that's enough.

Who is being unreasonable?

Chris is correct. Home needs to back up school

Home backs up school. Every time.

For a first offence?

School have dealt with it, decent discussion at home about what’s happened then move on.

You can back up school without giving extra punishment

For something minor school deals, something significant they get both

I'd do exactly what Sirzy said.

School have dealt with it

Home backs up the school by agreeing with detention.
No need then for extra punishment unless crime was involved.

"Backing up school" does not automatically mean imposing an additional punishment. It can mean reinforcing with the child that the punishment was correctly given, and that detention should be completed properly. It should also include talking to the child and confirming that 'home' finds the behaviour just as unacceptable as school does. Finally, it could involve setting a new boundary, should the unacceptable behaviour at school be repeated.

Simply taking away the kid's Xbox at home because they got a detention at school serves little to no purpose.

Why would you punish twice? Wasn't one punishment enough? Didn't the school handle it themselves?

Punishment. Sounds so harsh.

When I make a mistake at work, it is dealt with at work.

What “punishment” do you have in mind?

There would definitely be conversations about a detention and why it happened.

And multivac wins the thread.

Back up school i.e. agree school were correct (also back up child in cases where school was unfair) and agree they punished fairly.

Do not add punishment at home.

I think Chris is confusing backing up the school with additional punishment.

The school have punished - home agrees. Doing another punishment IMO overrules the school by saying they have not punished enough

What multivac said

@moredoll is right - home backs up school by supporting the detention, and giving the child a stern talking-to, and warning the child to buck up their attitude going forward.

Incidentally, this is the advice that was given by the dses’ school - to let the school handle the discipline issues that happened at school. I doubt Chris would expect the school to give a second punishment if the child had been punished once for doing something wrong at home.

This does depend on the severity of the ‘crime’ of course - for something minor like back chatting in class, a detention at school and a bollocking at home is entirely proportionate. If the child did something more serious - bunked off school, stole something,assaulted another child, or bullied someone, for example, then a double punishment would be appropriate in my opinion.

Home and school. Needs to know that what happens at school will be found out by mum and dad and the normal home punishments will be applied alongside the schools.

What about suspension?

Well the school have dealt with it by excluding you for a week so...

"Chris" sound like a prick tbh, all this "back the school" stuff is a load of shite.

You only get one punishment for each offence in a court of law.

You agree with the detention,have a chat about actions and consequences and leave it at that. More is verging on vindictive.

I'd follow up with a conversation rather than punishment but within that I'd demonstrate support for the school.

So basically a weeks holiday?

As a teacher, leave it now, dealt with in school but certainly have a chat and reinforce school message and rule, if age appropriate.

School have punished I would only have a chat with the dc regarding their behaviour.

Thanks. DP has a way of constantly making me doubt myself and feel like I'm not strict enough. He thinks DS should miss his football practice this week due to receiving the detention.

I think DS is being punished by going to detention. I've text DS to say school have made me aware, to get his head down and improve his day and that we'll chat tonight.

Depends on so much, why did they get the detention? Was it the first time? Did they seem bothered about detention? Was the incident very serious?

If it's a 12 yr old being given a detention for the first time for no homework or lax uniform or something silly then no doesn't even really need mentioning at home.

If it's the third detention in a month for attitude/fighting/bullying etc. Then I think home punishment as well.