AIBU - do you punish a child twice or once?

[whereiscaroline]

Someone is BU. Who is it?

Child has received a detention at school for not being compliant and for backchatting and making noise in a lesson.

"Chris" thinks the child should also be punished at home to send a strong message.

"Alex" thinks the child is being punished already by school and that's enough.

Who is being unreasonable?

Depends on what the DC did and how sorry I thought they were. Forgot to switch mobile phone to silent and it rang in lessons = I'd support the school in keeping them in detention, tell DC not to be so daft next time and leave it at that. Caught playing Candy Crush in maths = they'd have their phone confiscated for a bit as well as detention. So it would be very situation-dependent for me.

If he misses football practice, surely he'll just feel angry and frustrated and like he might as well do what he likes anyway.

Football as an activity is presumably positive in terms of discipline, commitment, tenacity etc. To target that seems counter productive.

Chris is clearly wrong

I don't punish.

Not at all.

I would never punish myself by making my DC miss an activity that I’ve paid for...

Especially not one that promotes good dicipline and physical activity as well as positive engagement with others.

I think your response is entirely proportionate assuming first offence.

If it’s developing into a pattern I would consider how it needs looking at at home. But punsihmebt wouldn’t include missing activities I’ve paid for or things likely to be considered character building.

No no no. He's had a detention. Cancel his football practice as well? No no no.

Chris is wrong.

I don’t think he should be punished at home, school are doing this but you should have a word with him about how disappointed you are in his behaviour. I punish my kids for things they do wrong at home (took the iPad away yesterday) but wouldn’t expect the school to punish my child for something they did at home so why is it ok to do it the other way round? I want my child to be able to come home ant talk to me and not be scared that I’m going to punish them when they have already been punished at school.

If you do need to add extra punishment at home, don't cancel something that is actually good for him. Give him extra chores instead.

Agree with Sirzy

It's not about two "punishments". It's about guidance and exploring what happened to cause the first punishment in the first place. Making sure the child understands where they went wrong and what they could do differently next time. I doubt the school had the time or resources to do all that.

A child is still very much being guided by their parent(s) so it's all part of a bigger picture IMO.

I wouldn't punish at home for the same thing however if this is a pattern of behaviour I would certainly start monitoring more at home. If his behaviour is typically disruptive and not listening then yes there is a bigger problem and Chris is probably right.

Did the child know before this happened that if he received detention that football would also be cancelled? If not thats totally unfair.

For me backing up the school is supporting them not adding on unless there are other circumstances e.g. violence or crime

I was just thinking about this kind of thing today! I think the school has punished him, and you talk to him about what happened and why, and back the school. No further punishment is necessary. Plus as others have said - taking part in a sporting activity should be encouraged, not cancelled as extra punishment. If one of my DC behaves badly at home, I deal with it, any punishment is given - if necessary - and we discuss what happened. Then it's done and we move on. I don't believe in having things hanging over kids' heads: it's like deliberately prolonging the agony for them.

It's reinforcing the punishment and shows that the parents are backing up the school.

The child certainly shouldn't be rewarded for bad behaviour.

Exactly what Multivac said.

I will also go as far as to tell DS when I actively disagree with the warnings etc he's been given, but that I will only fight them if they are very unjust and would be detrimental to him at school. If they are an unfortunate case of wrong place, wrong time (teacher in a bad mood and he's in the firing line for something that otherwise wouldn't even register) or mistaken identity (such as a teacher thinking he's the one talking in class when it's his neighbour), then I tell him to shrug it off, it's shit, but it will happen in life.

I would say reinforcement from home, yes. Additional punishment isn’t necessary - though I would possibly say if I have another phone call from x this half term about your behaviour, then you’ll be grounded for a week / loose the PlayStation for a week or something like that.

Though actually I think for me it would depend on what he did. If it was a uniform issue or being on his phone, I wouldn’t be happy but beyond reinforcing my support of the school rules I wouldn’t additionally punish. If it was for unkind behaviour or something I probably would.

multivac has it exactly. Reinforce that you agree with the detention, stern talking to, set the boundary - if it happens again, there will be consequences at home. Then the child knows exactly what to expect.

No, he shouldn't miss footy practice, but another thing definitely.
Time taken from screen time maybe? Not much but just to back school up.

Do not punish again! Just discuss what happened in a nice reasonable manner!

School are punishing him, therefore parents should have a measured conversation about expectations and disappointment at most.. I had a friend who used to go and ask the teacher every flipping day how her "lively" son had been then his dad would punish him without fail for anything and everything - stuff the teacher wouldn't have mentioned if not asked!!
He became sly as in trying not to let on about minor misdemeaners and as an older teen self harmed poor sod.

100% agree with Multivac.

If he had been violent towards someone unprovoked or done something else really bad then I think it is different but a minor misdemeanour there really is no need to punish twice. If it keeps happening then that is different.

If I found out my child had been backchatting at school and being a nob then they would be punished at home too.

If it's a team practice then you are punishing his teammates and his coach (who's plans will be thrown in the air).