AIBU - do you punish a child twice or once?

[whereiscaroline]

Someone is BU. Who is it?

Child has received a detention at school for not being compliant and for backchatting and making noise in a lesson.

"Chris" thinks the child should also be punished at home to send a strong message.

"Alex" thinks the child is being punished already by school and that's enough.

Who is being unreasonable?

Is your dp the other parent with pr? If not they should take a back seat to you (and ex if appropriate).
Missing football teaches it is ok to let ppl down and is not connected to the misdeeds. Excessive punishment makes kids resentful. You are making boundaries, not trying to brutalise.

”What about suspension?

Well the school have dealt with it by excluding you for a week so...”

This is why I say it does depend on what the child has done, @easyandy101 - if they have been suspended, I would assume they had done something fairly serious, and then I would also impose consequences at home.

It certainly wouldn’t be ‘a week’s holiday’ - I think the natural consequence of being suspended for a week would be me making sure their week at home was significantly less entertaining than school! School work, chores and NO television during school hours would be my starting point!

As a teacher, I would prefer something in between, as has been said. Yes to the school having dealt with it regarding the detention and yes to the parent/carer supporting the detention and backing up correct behaviour but a second punishment isn’t necessary in your case.

Of course, if detentions have become a regular thing and ‘having a chat’ wasn’t working, then I can see why doubling up at home could be appropriate in that instance (and I say that as a parent too)

It’s all about context, in my opinion.

I agree with RolyRocks. If this is the first instance, we'd have a talk at home, but if it became an on-going issue, we'd probably warn him that the next time x privilege would be lost. It wouldn't be our first response, though.

@Missingstreetlife nope he's not my DS' dad. So what I decide will stand - it's just like I said, that DP constantly implies that I'm too soft or a pushover whereas I think he makes things excessively hard by trying to "rule" and over-discipline.

I'm in favour of more of a guiding / coaching approach to parenting with sanctions where appropriate, but DP is more of the mindset that kids should do what they're told and be punished/told off if not.

School is punishing so that’s enough. A chat st home is enough.

Chris is wrong. School have done what school think is right. But also I don't believe punishments have much effect in teaching kids how to behave and be respectful. Carefully thought through, meaningful consequences are so much more effective than random unlinked punishments.

I tell my kids that even when they've done wrong, I'm always on their side. That doesn't mean that I don't support whatever the school sees fit to do, but it does mean I've got their back, always. I'd like them to tell me whenever they get into a pickle at school, so I've outright said that they won't get a row at home if they've already had one in school. What they will get is a concerned parent who wants to understand what went on and help them to think about how to move forward

As someone who runs out of school activities I fucking hate it when parents withhold activity as punishment..

It ballses up things for the activity im running. And for the others there, especially if we need certain numbers to run an activity then suddenly Little Alex isn’t coming now because dad has laid down the law about something that happened last week at school.

It’s such a selfish punishment as it affects so many others who had nothing to do with it.

DONT do it. (Please)

I think you back the school. Agree with the punishment. But it is a minor transgression, so I wouldn't give extra punishment. Just a talking to.
My child was suspended. I was mortified at what she had done, and came down like a ton of bricks.
The school was actually surprised that she had been punished at home. They expected me to blame the school.