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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU, DH or me?

56 replies

pissedoff11 · 02/10/2018 07:53

Have nc'd for this as fully prepared to be told that I am BU.

If DH gets up before me, he asks if I want my phone which is usually charging on the unit he walks past to get to the bathroom.

As he takes it off charge he will glance at the screen as it flashes up & say "oh you've got a message from your mum/X/Y/Z" & throw me the phone.

I also receive work notifications through the night.

Anyway, this morning, he took ages reading the screen and wouldn't hand my phone to me - I asked if there was any issues with my business. He didn't answer. So I got up & took it off him.

A friend of a friend had invited me to their bday meal & I had loads of group messages from people I didn't know, which he was scrolling through.

Anyway, because I "grabbed" it & didn't let him read all of the messages, he's now lost the plot with me as to why am I acting so suspiciously all of a sudden.

FWIW, he has full access to my phone, iPad, laptop, all passwords etc.

He's gone to work, I'm now in tears. Do I owe him an apology or is he being U?

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 02/10/2018 07:56

Nosy bastard! I'd change your pin/ password and then he can't snoop into your private conversations

BleakBetty · 02/10/2018 07:56

YANBU at all. And you know it.

He sounds quite controlling from the information you’ve given. He’s not ‘helping you out’ by passing you your phone each morning, he’s checking up on you and taking his chance to read your messages.

You don’t owe him an apology.

Havaina · 02/10/2018 07:58

He is BU. He may have full access to your phone but it's still YOUR phone and he should give it to you when you ask for it. Don't apologise, ask him to apologise for not giving you your phone when you asked for it.

Do you have full access to his phone etc?

Aprilislonggone · 02/10/2018 08:00

I bloody well hope you ARE going out or is he likely to moan about that?

EspressoButler · 02/10/2018 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

1in4FrogsIsALeapFrog · 02/10/2018 08:01

I think he is definitely overreacting.
I’ve just tried to flip this in my head and if I had picked up my husbands phone and started reading his notifications and he’s grabbed it out my hand then I’d probably have overreacted too if I’m honest. I’m not saying what he did was right, far from it, but I think I’d have felt the same way potentially?

FWIW we also have full access to each other’s phones etc, We have no trust issues in our relationship but I think that would make me uncomfortable

SugarandVinegar · 02/10/2018 08:02

He's controlling - how was he put in charge of phone checking?

Get an extension cord and charge the phone within arms reach of
your side of the bed.

WhoLetTheCatsOut · 02/10/2018 08:03

He's overreacting and possibly projecting.

Original poster
pissedoff11 · 02/10/2018 08:05

Yep I have full access to his devices too.
He isn't particularly controlling in any other issues.

I was concerned because my parents had a night flight last night & my aunt has just flown out to France as my cousin who lives there is unwell and wondered if it was updates from them.

Unfortunately I genuinely cannot make the date else I would be going.

I'm glad the consensus is that I'm not BU. This did really upset me.

OP posts:
Original poster
pissedoff11 · 02/10/2018 08:06

@1in4FrogsIsALeapFrog I was thinking along the same lines hence why I posted. I don't know if I owe him an apology or not.

OP posts:
1in4FrogsIsALeapFrog · 02/10/2018 08:08

@pissedoff11

I don’t think you owe him an apology necessarily, but I think you need to have a conversation to explain that you can see it from his point of view but your reasons were X/Y/Z rather than to hide anything.

Prestonsflowers · 02/10/2018 08:12

You asked him for your phone, he wouldn’t give it back and then he ignored you. So you took it from him
YANBU

Fontofnoknowledge · 02/10/2018 08:26

Ffs why is everybody either 'controlling' or 'abusive' ? Can they not just be behaving like dickheads.. ? Can you imagine though - if you had posted a similar scenario ..

As I took it off charge , I glance at the screen as it flashes up & say "oh you've got a message from your mum/X/Y/Z" & throw him * the phone.
*
He also receives work notifications through the night.
*
Anyway, this morning, I took ages reading the screen and wouldn't hand him his phone - He asked if there was any issues with his business. I didn't answer. So he got up & took his phone off me.

A friend of a friend had invited him to their bday meal & he had loads of group messages from people I didn't know, which i was scrolling through.

Anyway, because he "grabbed" it & didn't let me read all of the messages, I have now lost the plot* , why is he acting so suspiciously ? We have access to each other's devices. Do you think I should be worried ..

Queue the MN massive piling on here to tell you that OBVIOUSLY he is hiding something...

For the record I think he is being a twat. Not 'controlling' not 'abusive' , no I don't think he is a 'narcissist' or suffering from hitherto undisclosed 'anxiety' .. just a regular twat who will hopefully apologise by tonight and he can then return to being a non-twat.

Shoxfordian · 02/10/2018 08:27

No you don't owe him an apology. He's being nosy, he has no right to read any of your messages

Original poster
pissedoff11 · 02/10/2018 08:39

@Fontofnoknowledge yes you're right, hence why I was concerned that I was in the wrong. The double standards are ridiculous.

Hopefully he will return to being a non twat later 🤞🏼

OP posts:
MollyHuaCha · 02/10/2018 08:40

Change the settings in your phone to remove notifications flashing up on screen.

PleaseJustSayNo · 02/10/2018 08:41

Would he still read your messages if you said you didn't want your phone when he offers to get it for you?

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2018 08:43

Just stop the onscreen notifications and tell him to stop being a dick.

PleaseJustSayNo · 02/10/2018 08:44

And @Font is certainly not correct in the first part of their post. Just because people you don't know are posting in a group chat with your OH, it doesn't mean you have a right to read them and refuse to hand the phone over!

ShotsFired · 02/10/2018 08:47

I don't get why this "full access" is now seen s as proof of trust in relationships. It is not how trust works.

Second the pp who says get a longer cable. I got a 3m one and it changed my life! Grin

Jammydodger1981 · 02/10/2018 08:48

Font MN really wouldn’t be piling on to say he’s up to something were the roles reversed, OP would get her arse handed to her if it was described as above.

I see it this way:

A. He shouldn’t be looking at the screen in the first place, it’s nosey!
B. He certainly should have given you the phone the first time you asked.
C. He DEFINITELY shouldn’t have ignored your worries question so he could keep on having a nosey
D. To then accuse you of acting suspiciously is completely out of order.

He’s gone off in a sulk because you challenged his behaviour and he wants to be able to carry on. DO NOT APOLOGISE! He should be apologising for both actions, not giving you the phone when you asked, making you worried something was wrong, and for accusing you.

lovetherisingsun · 02/10/2018 09:03

He wouldn't give you your ohone when asked and stayed silent. Rude much? I would've been short and snatched it back too, in response to the rudeness.

Gersemi · 02/10/2018 09:04

Don't charge the phone overnight. Charge it when you're at work or in the car, and keep it with you overnight.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/10/2018 09:14

Sorry, he’s a nosey fucker. Get a longer lead, charge it somewhere else, switch off your locked screen notifications, change your passwords. Then you’ll see if you really have trust in your relationship.

I’ve been with DH 40 years, I have no idea what his passwords are, not interested. Wouldn’t dream of accessing any of his private info, or reading his on screen messages, it’s rude!

Havaina · 02/10/2018 09:17

1inFrog

You sound quite controlling.

I don’t think you owe him an apology necessarily, but I think you need to have a conversation to explain that you can see it from his point of view but your reasons were X/Y/Z rather than to hide anything.

See what from his point of view? What has OP done wrong? She asked for her phone, the twat wouldn't give it to her.

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