Who is BU, DH or me?

[pissedoff11]

Have nc'd for this as fully prepared to be told that I am BU.

If DH gets up before me, he asks if I want my phone which is usually charging on the unit he walks past to get to the bathroom.

As he takes it off charge he will glance at the screen as it flashes up & say "oh you've got a message from your mum/X/Y/Z" & throw me the phone.

I also receive work notifications through the night.

Anyway, this morning, he took ages reading the screen and wouldn't hand my phone to me - I asked if there was any issues with my business. He didn't answer. So I got up & took it off him.

A friend of a friend had invited me to their bday meal & I had loads of group messages from people I didn't know, which he was scrolling through.

Anyway, because I "grabbed" it & didn't let him read all of the messages, he's now lost the plot with me as to why am I acting so suspiciously all of a sudden.

FWIW, he has full access to my phone, iPad, laptop, all passwords etc.

He's gone to work, I'm now in tears. Do I owe him an apology or is he being U?

He's just being a nosy twat, as others have said. Talk to him about what happened, after he apologises of course!
Ask him not to read your messages. If he continues PIN lock your phone and stop lock screen notifications displaying. If he queries why you've done this, tell him it's because he kept at it when you asked him not to, he's being nosy and your messages are not his business.
We don't have 'full access' to eachother's phones. But we don't need to. Why would you want to read anyone else's private messages, unless there are already trust issues?

Interesting to see different perspectives.
I'm reluctant to change my notifications simply due to business, I like to be able to respond quickly.
I could charge my phone next to my bed but I don't because I struggle with insomnia & if I wake up, I like my phone & any potential distractions to be out of reach.
I'm more pissed off that he refused to give me my phone when I asked then made me feel like I was cheating when I took it off him.
I told him I was worried about my cousin but he said that "it stinks".
Ffs.

Tell him that what stinks is his rudeness in not handing over your phone when you asked.

@pissedoff11

Like I say, I think I’d be shocked and feel uncomfortable if my husband snatched a phone out of my hand, although I could never see him doing that so probably more so for that reason? I doubt I’d still be pissed off hours later though, especially after it’s been explained to me the (valid) reasons why!

The whole “it stinks” thing is a bit odd, It sounds like he has trust issues

I have nothing even remotely interesting on my phone but if DH did that I'd be tempted to lock it down - so nosey!

I think he's been an idiot but this is because you're both in a situation where he is used to reading your messages first thing in the morning. This is part of your/his routine, at some point he started doing this and you have never objected to it so it's become normal. Suddenly stopping him from reading the messages might raise his suspicions because it's not what you normally do.

I think you need a friendly conversation about why you didn't want him reading the messages and reminding him it's YOUR phone not his. I don't think this situation alone makes him controlling but obviously it depends how he then reacts in the future. Xx

I think that if one partner has trust issues then giving them 'full access' isn't the best thing. They will look to find anything at all that could be indicative (in their mind) of bad behaviour. People like this need to learn to respect boundaries, not be given free reign to behave so offensively. Reading someone's private messages without consent is a huge breach of trust, so if anyone is worth watching, it's the person doing this.

I don't think he's up to anything & he has absolutely no reason to be suspicious of me. I am suffering with low self esteem and confidence at the moment (though he doesn't believe me as I can mask it very well). I'm just upset that I've been treated like a child

Please don't let people blow this up into something it's not.
Just tell him In a text sorry you grabbed the phone this morning. This allows him to say sorry as well, your way works for you both and sometimes being the bigger person is the way to get life back to normal.
It also shows you have nothing to hide, changing your ways would be a massive e red flag...

If you feel you must apologise for grabbing the phone in order to move on then do it. Don't accept his sulking or suspicion and definitely tell him you don't want him to read your phone in future - say you will lock it if he cant adhere to that..

So I've text him saying I'm sorry for grabbing it, I was frustrated that he wouldn't give it to me & was worried about Cousin X/my business.
He said that he "accepts" my apology but his point remains & he is so upset that I've allowed him to be suspicious in the first place?
He made me cry shouting on me at the weekend because I went on Facebook to check hobby related sports results and was home 5 mins later than I said I would be.
Not home for any reason, just "I'll be back at 3" sort of thing.

After your update, he IS a controlling arsehole. He "accepts" your apology but still kicks the boot in to make you feel like shit, how bloody gracious of him. Unfortunately no apology back for you, your apology has just reinforced his opinion about being in the right to be angry with you. Take back your apology if he's going to be a dick, and go nuclear on his arse instead!

The update makes him sound like a controlling wanker. Does he ever not shout and make you cry?

Nip this in the bud OP before you are here in a years time saying he won't let you see your friends etc

I'd be going mad at home and certainly would not have apologised. You asked for YOUR fucking phone and he wouldn't hand it over. No if's or buts - he is a dick.

I'd be asking him if he is cheating as it's classic diversionary tactics to accuse the innocent party.

What an complete arsehole.

What would he do if you said no, when he asked if you wanted your phone while it was charging? Would he pick it up and read your messages anyway? Because it sounds like he doesn't trust you and uses 'handing you the phone' as a way to check who you're talking to. Are you actually okay with him reading your messages in that scenario? Or is it just a pattern you've fallen into so as to avoid him having a tantrum?

His response to your texts makes it so clear that he's being ridiculous. He has full access and passwords to all your devices, he knows you're not up to anything. He's just being nosy, intrusive, controlling and is bleating about his feeeelings to manipulate you. While steamrolling your feelings.

In your situation I'd reconsider whether I ever allowed him to read my messages. I know you don't want to turn off previews - and you shouldn't have to - but I would take back my privacy, whether that was through talking it through seriously and him listening, or by removing his access if he carried on this shitty behaviour. You've been very open and he's responded by intruding well beyond what's reasonable.

Frankly, I'm not surprised you've got low self confidence at the moment. Your husband is being an abusive arsehole. Only you know if this is out of character, or just part of who he is. Given his epic overreaction to you looking at Facebook and being home at 3:05pm, it sounds like the latter.

Thank you all, I'm so glad to know that I'm not BU & am justified in feeling really shit.
We get on really well & rarely argue. He was a bit controlling when we first got together but that was years ago now.
I will change my privacy settings.
I'm glad that I'm meeting a friend after work this evening as really don't want to see him.

He made me cry shouting on me at the weekend because I went on Facebook to check hobby related sports results and was home 5 mins later than I said I would be.

I know you say he’s not controlling in general but this kind of behaviour is really, really out of line. That’s not just “oh he’s a bit of an arse sometimes” behaviour.

He sounds a prick anyway. But I would have just looked bored and walked away, until he had finished pratting about with my phone. He was being childish.

I think he was just being nosy. My partner gets a little agitated if I don't want to show a conversation to him but it's in a "any good gossip?" Kind of way. If I explain I'm talking about uni coursework or wedding stuff he quickly loses interest as there's no drama. I think he was being unreasonable as although it may appear you were being secretive in reality you just wanted some privacy.

He was a bit controlling when we first got together but that was years ago now.

Er, he's still controlling, OP. Re-read your post:

He made me cry shouting on me at the weekend because I went on Facebook to check hobby related sports results and was home 5 mins later than I said I would be.

This is not normal behaviour, OP.

He said that he "accepts" my apology but his point remains & he is so upset that I've allowed him to be suspicious in the first place?

So YOU apologised to him for taking YOUR phone from him? Again, that's not right, OP.

Please answer this question from Viv:

What would he do if you said no, when he asked if you wanted your phone while it was charging? Would he pick it up and read your messages anyway?

He was a bit controlling when we first got together but that was years ago now.

Or do you mean you've modified your behaviour to appease him so it doesn't seem like that any more?

Yelling at you to the point of crying because you were 5 mins late is not normal.

Switch it off when it's charging. Then he'd have to actively switch it on and wait for the messages... which would be very wrong, unless you asked him to read them.

Then you need to talk about boundaries and respect.It sounds like he doesn't understand either of those.

You shouldn't have apologised to him at all. YOU, were taking YOUR phone back from him. He had and still has no right whatsoever to be looking through your messages.

I never look through DH's phone and he never looks through mine. We don't even share the passwords or PIN numbers for them.

Have your phone beside you at night. You can buy cases that cover the screen so that virtually no light from it escapes. Tell him to piss off if he still tries to read it. Change your password and turn off lock screen notifications.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know. He sounds very controlling to be honest.

What @campion said is a brilliant idea!

He has called me this afternoon & apologised. He has got some stuff on his plate at the moment, so although not an excuse, perhaps is a reason.

I've changed my privacy settings on my phone for now, see how we get on.

@Havaina in terms of an answer from viv, if he handed me my phone and it lit up, he might say "oh you've got a msg from X" but wouldn't read it. I think he saw loads of fb messages & freaked out.