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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bloody exh and ex mil!

75 replies

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 13:21

Am feeling very cross today and would welcome any feedback - especially legal feedback.

H and I spilt 3 years ago. Not divorced yet. It was acrimonious but last few months getting better and now he comes over for dinner once a week to see the kids which is nicer for everyone.

More context. He was very mentally ill last year to the point where I could only let him see the kids a few hours a week supervised. School and a social worker agreed with me and a year later he's admitted that he needed both those boundaries and the space to get better. He engaged with mental health support and is diing much better.
No violence or anything like that but such deep depression that he wasn't able to look after the kids adequately. He's admitted that too.

We co own a house which will be sold when the children are older. He doesn't have keys since he left.

Except... last year when he was pet sitting his mum encouraged him to get keys cut while we were away and paid for them. Hes had them for a year, admitted it last night and gave them to me. I do believe him that he didn't use them but am furious.

It was basically a massive fuck you and power trip behind my back (again which he's admitted to). He's owned that it was a super shitty thing to do and gets why I'm so angry.
I feel hugely violated and furious with his parents, especially his mum who made the suggestion, encouraged it and then paid for the keys.

OP posts:

Wheresthel1ght · 01/10/2018 13:27

Legally if you are joint owners he is entitled to a set of keys and to use them any time he sees fit. I know this because my ex tried to change the locks on our house when I left him after he threw me across the room. I spoke to lawyers and the police for advice and was told the above by both.

It is underhanded how he got them but there isn't much you can do.

Sparklyfee · 01/10/2018 13:29

She probably feels you are getting everything and he has lost everything.

He's legally entitled to keys if it's his house too

BertrandRussell · 01/10/2018 13:31

If he owns half the house surely he is as entitled to keys to it as you are?

PinkHeart5914 · 01/10/2018 13:33

Tbh if I owned a house then I’d bloody well have keys to it! Thing is it’s not just your property legally speaking

It’s not like he was randomly letting himself in to the house he co owns so I don’t really see the issue here

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 13:33

Even after 3 years?!
Aren't I allowed to live in peace.
She might well feel that way but to.encourage him to be underhanded instead of encouraging him to try and work things out. He's said it wasn't about coming in, it was about having power over me. That seems so fucked up. Who would encourage that?

OP posts:

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 01/10/2018 13:34

I don’t understand why you would have him there petsitting if the idea of him having access to the house is so upsetting.

BertrandRussell · 01/10/2018 13:35

And this is his mother's fault not his exactly how?

I'd be encouraging him to have keys to his property if he was my son too.

BertrandRussell · 01/10/2018 13:37

Who's paying the mortgage?

Wonkydonkey44 · 01/10/2018 13:40

His house as well he can have a set of keys

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 13:41

What upsets me is that it was behind my back.
I know its his house too. Believe me I want to get a divorce and sort all that out but he won't agree and we're still in the time frame of both needing to agree to it.
He's stonewalled everything by refusing to talk. He left on his own steam by the way.

He pet sits because the kids like that it's him doing it so I allowed it.
It's both their faults, not just hers of course.

What's upsetting me is the idea that I had no idea that he'd done it so he could just wander in at any time. No discussion. No 'I want keys to my own house' which I could have used as a starter for a proper discussion about the state of everything.
Just doing it behind my back as a power thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 13:41

I'm paying the mortgage

OP posts:

stellabird · 01/10/2018 13:42

Nothing wrong with a person having keys to a house which they jointly own. You might be living in it but he half owns it ,and you haven't got around to divorcing after 3 years . This might be a good time to rethink the divorce situation, and get everything sorted .

Aprilislonggone · 01/10/2018 13:43

Legally he can't enter if you are home. He can if you are out. Why not swop barrels over if it makes you feel better - incase mil got another set!? Technically he can enter - if he clicks what you have done!!

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 01/10/2018 13:44

This might be a good time to rethink the divorce situation, and get everything sorted

This. Then you’ll know where you stand and have all the conversations about keys and stuff. I’m sure it’s just because it’s all still up in the air that it’s so stressful.

fuzzywuzzy · 01/10/2018 13:44

So long as house is in both James he has a right to access it.

Can you get an occupation order or speak to a solicitor what to do to secure your house from any future attempts from him trying such a thing again?

fuzzywuzzy · 01/10/2018 13:45

Names not James

Seniorschoolmum · 01/10/2018 13:47

I understand why you are upset OP, MIL is interfering and completely out of her remit.

Co-parenting is much easier if you can trust or at least respect each other to some extent. It sounds like your ex sees that, wasn’t happy about going behind your back and has now been open with you and returned the keys. That’s great.

But you now know your MIL has no respect for you and is prepared to risk her gcs security.
It won’t help to raise the issue, but at least you know she cannot be trusted. Get the locks changed because she may well have kept a copy for herself.

Brakebackcyclebot · 01/10/2018 13:47

To be honest, what good will it do you to hang on to this anger? I would concentrate on putting all that energy into sorting it all out, and getting movement towards a divorce started.

AuntBeastie · 01/10/2018 13:48

Whether or not he’s entitled to the keys is really not the point - he shouldn’t have gone behind your back, and neither should MIL. He may be entitled to them but it was shitty not to be upfront about it. How many of you would feel happy, safe and secure knowing that someone had had keys to your house for a year without you knowing?

Legally there is probably little you can do. You can certainly tell him and his mother how unacceptable it was.

Practically, you could change the locks. He might still be entitled to the new keys but he would at least have to talk to you about it first!

Singlenotsingle · 01/10/2018 13:48

His house too, so he's entitled to keys. If it makes you feel insecure, you need to take steps to regularise the situation. Start the ball rolling re the divorce. He doesn't need to agree (although it's more straightforward if he does). Go and get proper legal advice ffs!

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 13:49

I get that it's his house too. I want to get everything sorted but he won't.
It's the underhand bit that's upset me.

I get that he has a right to keys but surely I should have been made aware that he had them? He went through a whole rigmarole of pretending he needed mine whenever he pet sit. Why not just say 'just so you know I got some of my own keys cut'. Why the game?

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 01/10/2018 13:50

I would ask him why he agreed with ExMIL to have power over you. Make alternative arrangements for pet sitting. Then get the divorce and house settled PDFQ.

cholka · 01/10/2018 13:51

I'd forget the legal aspect of this but have a stern word with him and his mum about why the house is now your private space, even if jointly owned, and you must be allowed to control access to it, which means knowing who has a key. No more key cutting without your permission.

I'd also say that you're planning to divorce as soon as possible, want to keep it amicable but them doing things behind your back is going to make that less likely. So if they want to preserve the relationship they need to show you more respect.

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 13:52

It just feels like yet another mind fucking game instead of being open and communicating.

OP posts:

wink1970 · 01/10/2018 13:52

why won't be agree to a divorce?

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