Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Bloody exh and ex mil!

75 replies

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 13:21

Am feeling very cross today and would welcome any feedback - especially legal feedback.

H and I spilt 3 years ago. Not divorced yet. It was acrimonious but last few months getting better and now he comes over for dinner once a week to see the kids which is nicer for everyone.

More context. He was very mentally ill last year to the point where I could only let him see the kids a few hours a week supervised. School and a social worker agreed with me and a year later he's admitted that he needed both those boundaries and the space to get better. He engaged with mental health support and is diing much better.
No violence or anything like that but such deep depression that he wasn't able to look after the kids adequately. He's admitted that too.

We co own a house which will be sold when the children are older. He doesn't have keys since he left.

Except... last year when he was pet sitting his mum encouraged him to get keys cut while we were away and paid for them. Hes had them for a year, admitted it last night and gave them to me. I do believe him that he didn't use them but am furious.

It was basically a massive fuck you and power trip behind my back (again which he's admitted to). He's owned that it was a super shitty thing to do and gets why I'm so angry.
I feel hugely violated and furious with his parents, especially his mum who made the suggestion, encouraged it and then paid for the keys.

OP posts:

Sparklyfee · 01/10/2018 13:57

@cholka that's all well and good but no, the OP doesn't control who has access to the house as it is jointly owned.

Only way to sort it is to sell the house and buy alone, remortgage in OPs name only with ex agreement or to divorce

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 13:58

He just won't communicate. There have been so many mind games. Hopefully they'll get less now that he's getting help but I'm tired of it.
The mind games and lack of communication are a large part of why we split in the first place.

OP posts:

Sparklyfee · 01/10/2018 14:00

Have you started divorce proceedings? Sounds like the time to do it

Feefeetrixabelle · 01/10/2018 14:03

I think you should take what happened last night as a positive. At the point he had the keys cut he was by his and your admission in ill mental health. It’s a good thing he has recognised it and in fact owned up to it. He could have binned them and never told you. But he ultimately did the right thing. So I would actually commend him for that.

Unless his mum also has problems I would be a thousand times more mad at her. How could she encourage her ill son to do something like that. I would be saying to your dh that you don’t want her seeing the kids for a while

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 14:08

Not yet. We're going to have to move to a different part of the country when we do because I can't afford to buy here when the house is sold and he doesn't want that because of seeing the kids.

OP posts:

cakecakecheese · 01/10/2018 14:08

Well yes I can see why you don't want someone who could only see his children under supervision access to your house but at least he admitted it to you.

I'm wondering if part of your anger is frustration with the situation, it does sound very difficult. If he listens to his mother a lot can she not have a word with him about the divorce, it's her grandchildren who are going to be affected by all this aggro.

M3lon · 01/10/2018 14:12

Of course he may still have more keys.....

mumsastudent · 01/10/2018 14:12

first, op doesn't seem right that he can hold key
the weird thing is this: if you rent out a property you cannot enter it without giving notice to your tenant & it is still up to them to open the door - you are not allowed to use your key. yet- here we have a different more difficult situation were a ex while he owns part of the property can enter your property when you are not in? what happens if the ex was difficult & went it & took stuff or damaged stuff? how the insurance would (or wouldn't)in that case?

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 14:15

feefee you've hit the nail on the head for how I'm feeling!
He's in the process of cutting contact with his parents for a host of reasons anyway.
Again, it's not the fact he had keys so much as the game playing behind it that has annoyed me so much.
I honestly believe he would never even have used them, just the little game of 'haha she doesn't even know' is what has upset me.
It ties in totally with his thought processes and behaviour last year.

And while I completely understood pps point of view about his house, if it was my child I can't imagine encouraging something like this behind someone's back. That's what's annoyed me so much.

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 01/10/2018 14:16

Yes, he is entitled to have a key if it’s his house, should he have one though? Probably not due to his mental health issues and possible risk to the children (and you), I think he knows this which is why he felt it was wrong and eventually told you. His mother should never of butted it. He should respect the fact it’s now your home and not his (yes it’s partly his house but he no longer lives there).

Sparklyfee · 01/10/2018 14:17

That's not the case though with him being difficult is it. He pet sits and goes round for tea.

And now it makes sense why he doesn't want to divorce. He doesn't want to lose his kids and you've told him you'll be moving away if and when you divorce.

I'm feeling a bit sorry for him tbh. Sounds like whatever happens he loses and maybe his mum is feeling a bit over protective of him. He sounds vulnerable

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 14:18

And if he'd ever said he wanted keys I'd have made sure he had some!

OP posts:

Sparklyfee · 01/10/2018 14:21

It's hard for both of you and his mum I'm sure. When there's children involved it always is. I wouldn't waste too much energy worrying about her. If you would be happy for him to have a key then just give him one. He shouldn't have to ask!

Ucantpo1ishaturd · 01/10/2018 14:21

Forgive him he didn’t use them, you feel like you’re losing control with deep depression getting keys cut was more about him being in control than pissing you off.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 01/10/2018 14:24

I'm not 100% certain that he does have a legal right to enter the property. When my friend was separated her solicitor told her that in moving out, her h had forfeited the right to come and go as he pleased because it infringed on her right to a private life. So I would check that.
I'd also change the locks - he will only know if he tries to access the house without your permission.

You don't need his consent to start divorce proceedings. What he wants isn't the only consideration. Fwiw though, I think he is trying to do the right thing now. If he hadn't have said, you still wouldn't know.

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 14:26

He is vulnerable. For that matter so am I. It's not that I would want to move as my life is here but I'd have to. There's no way round it. I've been trying to square the circle for 3 years without him helping.
He's really been very ill and in a terrible state. Thankfully he's coming out of it and is starting to work with me to parent our kids.
I don't want him to miss out on seeing them or vice versa. I want him to get better and be happy. It's a mess.
The keys were cut when he was far more ill and deep in mind fuck territory. Everything was my fault and he wanted to get one over on me.
His parents very much encourage that.
Now he's getting better he's communicating more and we're getting on much better hence coming for tea. The games have stopped.
Believe me I can see how positive it is that he told me

OP posts:

RayRayBidet · 01/10/2018 14:26

I would try to hold on to the positives here. Yes his mum is an arsehole BUT he is getting better and he told you of his own free will and returned the keys. And apologised. Those are good things.
YANBU, I would be angry too but I guess you have to think about how getting angry will help (it won't). The only person who will suffer is you OP and you sound like you have had about as much as you can take.
Try to let it go.
Be glad he is getting his shit together and look to the future when you can divorce the bastard and be free.
Good luck to you

ittakes2 · 01/10/2018 14:26

Its natural you are upset - but I hope you can process these feelings and forgive him. He was influenced by his mother and he has now done the right thing. He could have never told you about the scenario - seems like he wants to start afresh.

SillySallySingsSongs · 01/10/2018 14:27

And now it makes sense why he doesn't want to divorce. He doesn't want to lose his kids and you've told him you'll be moving away if and when you divorce.

I agree.

RayRayBidet · 01/10/2018 14:27

BTW I know letting it go is easier said than done.

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 14:35

I think the reason I'm so angry with her is that while I was dealing with everything, the kids, the house, trying to sort my own life out, dealing with his games AND try and keep things as amicable as possible for the kids, her approach was to pour poison into his ear and encourage him to be a dick.

He made is own choices sure but why wasn't she telling him to try and make things more amicable instead of this approach?
His hideous relationship with his parents is also another reason for both our split and his mental health. He's trying to break free and telling me about the keys is another part of that.

OP posts:

Gersemi · 01/10/2018 14:38

Surely if he left three years ago you can get a divorce without his consent based on two years' desertion? Or, given everything you've said here, based on his unreasonable behaviour?

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 14:40

I thought it was 2 years for no fault and 5 years for if only.one person wants it

OP posts:

Guavaf1sh · 01/10/2018 14:44

He has a right to the keys. Give them back, get a divorce then change the locks

ILoveHumanity · 01/10/2018 14:50

He sounds like a decent guy if I’m honest

Flip

1 2 3