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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bloody exh and ex mil!

75 replies

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 13:21

Am feeling very cross today and would welcome any feedback - especially legal feedback.

H and I spilt 3 years ago. Not divorced yet. It was acrimonious but last few months getting better and now he comes over for dinner once a week to see the kids which is nicer for everyone.

More context. He was very mentally ill last year to the point where I could only let him see the kids a few hours a week supervised. School and a social worker agreed with me and a year later he's admitted that he needed both those boundaries and the space to get better. He engaged with mental health support and is diing much better.
No violence or anything like that but such deep depression that he wasn't able to look after the kids adequately. He's admitted that too.

We co own a house which will be sold when the children are older. He doesn't have keys since he left.

Except... last year when he was pet sitting his mum encouraged him to get keys cut while we were away and paid for them. Hes had them for a year, admitted it last night and gave them to me. I do believe him that he didn't use them but am furious.

It was basically a massive fuck you and power trip behind my back (again which he's admitted to). He's owned that it was a super shitty thing to do and gets why I'm so angry.
I feel hugely violated and furious with his parents, especially his mum who made the suggestion, encouraged it and then paid for the keys.

OP posts:

SlowDown76mph · 01/10/2018 14:52

Do you have a formal agreement about the house? Or are you intending to split the equity equally at the point of sale? I hope you have had good legal advice.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/10/2018 14:52

The keys were cut when he was far more ill and deep in mind fuck territory. Everything was my fault and he wanted to get one over on me.
His parents very much encourage that

Are his parents in denial about his mental health problems or assuming you are the cause of them?

TomHardysNextWife · 01/10/2018 14:54

Would renting the house out be an option and you rent somewhere just until a divorce is finalised? But you do need to get things moving. He can't just ignore you saying the marriage is over.

puzzledlady · 01/10/2018 14:56

So surely if you recognise how vulnerable he is, then his mother should bear the brunt of the blame? He was manipulated - right? I know he’s a grown man, and he makes his choices, but you’ve said he’s not in a good way yourself.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 01/10/2018 14:59

Yanbu so much of co parenting is trust and respect. Yes legally he can have keys but you are split up, have agreed that you are both mature enough to respect privacy and let you live there unharassed and solely you with the kids. His mil is bang out of order, especially as he has mh issues, stirring up trouble or making him feel that he should have ‘access’. What a stupid woman.

If trust is broken, then I would be looking at separating out everything though and no more pet sitting.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/10/2018 14:59

Where does he live? And is he well enough to work? I'd assumed he was living with hid parents but you say their relationship is breaking down.

mostdays · 01/10/2018 15:02

I'd be encouraging him to have keys to his property if he was my son too.
Hopefully you'd also be encouraging him to tell co owner (the one who is resident, paying the mortgage, maintaining the property and looking after the children) that he had the keys? Not just get them, keep them and stay silent about it purely for the sake of having a bit of power over the mother of his children?

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 15:03

He's becoming more decent for sure. Not so much the past few years. He's been the master of passive aggression. Long may the decent continue as that's all I want.

No formal agreement because he's been refusing to engage. Hopefully that can change now.
His parents have ignored his mental health and blamed me for everything. I've been trying to get him help for ages but because it was me suggesting it he wouldn't. He had a heart attack which was when I found out about the mental health problems and that was the catalyst for him starting to get help and things changing.

Where we live is so expensive (London) that any change means moving out which will affect him and the kids. I don't want that especially now he's seeing more of them and building a good relationship with them

OP posts:

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 15:08

No to living with them. He tried for 2 weeks after the heart attack and they made his mental health so much worse he came back.
Yes he's working
And yes to her bearing most of the blame because of his vulnerability. If she was concerned why not suggest he see a solicitor about his rights and pay for that?

Him telling me has actually built trust between the two of us which can only be a good thing. I'm just reeling today because it only came out yesterday and am trying to.process it

OP posts:

C8H10N4O2 · 01/10/2018 15:12

His parents have ignored his mental health and blamed me for everything

Where one partner has a severe mental health problem and their family is in denial (part of which is to find an excuse such as blaming the other partner) you have an uphill struggle.

That is very hard to understand if you haven't been in that situation. I suspect some people read this as a normal "MIL" thread but the situation you describe is very different.

When the ill persons family are in denial pretty much everything they do undermines progress with the mental health problems and makes your life a million times harder. This is nothing like the a MIL moan, its the frustration of progress being constantly undermined.

Trying to help someone work through mental health issues ties your hands in so many ways. You are still living your life largely in his interest even though you are separated by staying in the joint house instead of moving etc.

You could complete a divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour but I'm guessing you were hoping to hold out for no fault due to the potential fall out?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 01/10/2018 15:20

Tbh I think it’s fairly rare to be able to co parent well just based on everyone being decent. The more boundaries, official, and structure the better.

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 15:20

Exactly. We'll never get back together but if we can get on and work together for the kids it would be amazing.
That didn't look possible a year ago but now...who knows.
And I'm glad you get it about mil. I truly tried to make it work with her.
The ideal would be if we could all move to a different part of the country and each buy a house(which he'd be happy to do). But he's just started a new job and it's so important for his mental health to be doing it that he can't leave yet.
Moving the kids away would also be bad for his mental health and they need him to be on form.
I can see things getting better but don't need people trying to undermine everything and cause conflict where there doesn't have to be.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 15:21

And yes to having official structure in place. That's what I've been trying to do to date but he wouldn't engage

OP posts:

C8H10N4O2 · 01/10/2018 15:36

I can see things getting better but don't need people trying to undermine everything and cause conflict where there doesn't have to be

Yes I recognise that scenario.

Who is supporting you and your mental health? Do you at least have some support group with people in similar situations? Its very easy to push that to one side because you are so overwhelmed with being both parents, breadwinner and support an ill partner (even when seperated).

crimsonlake · 01/10/2018 15:41

Yes you are certainly allowed to live in peace and yes it was very underhand the way he obtained them. However I would have been suspicious of that happening once you had handed over the keys. He may jointly still own the house, but he has been gone a considerable amount of time. Ask for them back, if he refuses change the locks, simple. Then it would actually be a civil matter, the police will not get involved. I doubt if he would break back in and change them back which he is legally entitled to do. I have been through this and my ex threatened me with court as I refused to give him a new key. He was very controlling following separation, it came to nothing as I did not back down.

RomanyRoots · 01/10/2018 15:41

it sounds like you are all in limbo, and I don't blame him wanting keys to his own property.
So, get on with the divorce and then you are free from both of them. Is there some reason it's taking you so long?

Original poster

Bloodyexhandexmil · 01/10/2018 15:46

Yes am surrounded by amazing friends who have been here every step of the way (and also have no problem telling me when things are my fault)
That's one big reason for not wanting to move but the real world says I'll have to at some point.
I need them to stop me texting mil and telling her what I think about all this as it won't help anyone, least of all me.

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 01/10/2018 16:09

Perhaps you could get something drawn up legally, giving you the right to stay on the house until the kids are grown, but which also acknowledges that you are paying the mortgage and therefore are entitled to a greater share once the house is eventually sold. That way, he gets to see the kids, the pressure to move is off and it becomes solely your house until X date.
Or he could sign his share over to you as part of the financial settlement?

There are ways around the house situation, if he is amenable. I think you need to talk to a solicitor and explore options.

seventhgonickname · 01/10/2018 22:35

I think change the lock,that way at least you will find out if he has keys still and will feel more secure.
You don't say where he is living now .Sorry if I missed this but he had a heart attack and after 2 weeks of his parents making his mental health worse he moved back.Back to where?

seventhgonickname · 01/10/2018 22:40

How old are your kids?Just trying to think of options but London makes things so much harder than the already difficult buying 2 homes out of one and near to each other for child access that the law wants but is rarely possible.

RandomMess · 01/10/2018 22:41

You moving away doesn't have to be drastic. Somewhere with decent access by public transport and he could come and stay overnight?

Just an idea for when it is time to move on.

Clearly his DP have a lot to answer for...

Wheresthel1ght · 03/10/2018 07:29

@seventhgonickname legally she cannot change the lock and not give him a key. He owns the house and has legal right of entry. The police would likely advise him (as they did me when my exh tried the same) that he is entitled to break in as long as he repairs any damage he does in the process.

@bloodyexhandmil you need to get some sort of legal agreement drawn up. And talk to your mortgage company. Some companies will allow you to take over the mortgage on your own if you prove you have maintained the payments for a given number of months. With our old Halifax one it was 8 months although I know of someone who was told 2 years so it does vary. It may be the best solution if you want to keep the house. You would need to look at how you financially settle with your exh. Maybe an agreement that once the youngest has reached 18 you will sell and at that point he gets whatever share... Say 25% of the equity at the time he stopped paying the mortgage?

RandomMess · 03/10/2018 13:33

Op could get an occupation order so that her ex has no legal right to a key?

Bloodyexdhandexmil · 03/10/2018 16:23

We've been talking a lot. That's WE not just me ranting and him ignoring things then promising to change which is a major change.
He's going to cut his parents out of his life. That may seem extreme based on this story but believe me it's the pinnacle of an extremely tall mountain. They're very toxic - for example when he was back in hospital earlier this year his dad didn't even speak to him. He's finally able to see and deal with it.
We may even be able to start parenting together!
This may even prove to have been a good thing.

SillySallySingsSongs · 03/10/2018 16:27

Op could get an occupation order so that her ex has no legal right to a key?

They aren't something you can just obtain. You have to have grounds for getting one, which from which OP has said, there aren't.

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