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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with my partner's existing child :(

65 replies

minilemonade · 01/10/2018 09:40

I feel horrible about this but here goes. I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant after a lot of cancer treatment and being told I'd be infertile it was a very happy accident. Currently off sick because while the baby is doing well, the symptoms have shot me down. I'm 29 and my partner is 41, he's Australian and already has a son from a teenage pregnancy. So the son is 23.

Son lives in Australia normally so not something I have to deal with on a regular basis but he's currently staying with us for a year (until January) this was discussed with me and I didn't see any problems at the time because I assumed he'd be an adult and help around the house etc. The plan was he spends a couple of months travelling around Europe and then come and live with us, find a job and work full time for the rest of the year.

He did the travel, moved in with us, obviously not having a job. He didn't manage to get a job until August so he's been living here for free, food and everything included and not helping at all around the house,he just sits on his laptop all day when he's home and stops for food and sleep, and his sleeping pattern is just all over the shop.

Now he has a job, he spent his entire first pay on a holiday to Ireland, didn't give us any money (we asked for £200 a month) then the next month he did give us money but he's kept phoning in sick and not bothering to go to work. He's clearly going to get the sack and honestly I hate him being here all day every day. I need time to myself which I don't get at all and neither does my partner. It would be fine if he at least tried helping, doing dishes, cleaning etc but none of that happens. And it seems pointless threatening him with anything because we can't kick him out or stop feeding him. The stress is making me more ill and I'm getting more pregnant and less able to clean a whole house. My partner works really long hours so it's just me and him all day for four days a week and I can't stand it.

OP posts:
anotherangel2 · 01/10/2018 09:43

Have you talked to your DH about it?

MatildaTheCat · 01/10/2018 09:44

He needs a kick up the bum from your DP. It would drive anyone mad.

If he loses his job perhaps he needs to go home as he won’t be able to fund himself? At his age he needs a wake up call.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 01/10/2018 09:46

Obviously YANBU for wanting a grown adult to not act like a 12 year old boy. I think DH needs to deal with this. What is his attitude?

Are you sure he's definitely going to be leaving after the year? I would definitely make sure he's gone by the time baby is here.

Alpacanorange · 01/10/2018 09:46

I assume he has a key?
I’d go out or pretend to and lock the door from the inside leaving the key in. (But then I’m not patient with having people, lazy people, in my space).
You need to sit down and tell him what you have said here, about how unwell you feel and he needs to help out. He is taking the piss but only because you and your dp let him.
I hope you rest and congratulations on your pregnancy, what wonderful news.

Original poster
minilemonade · 01/10/2018 09:47

Yep. It's like I said. We both know he's acting horribly but there's nothing we can threaten. He feels the same as me but obviously it's his son and they haven't seen each other in around 4 years so obviously I don't have the same relationship with him but there's nothing we can really think of

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 01/10/2018 09:48

He's an adult and his father needs to tell him to act like one.
He should be doing stuff round the house n lieu of rent

Poppylizzyrose · 01/10/2018 09:50

What a lazy lout you have on your hands. I’d be tempted to draw up a cleaning rota, I wouldn’t cook a meal for him, I’d give him a space in the fridge and say he can keep his food there. Give him a basic food allowance, print out idiot proof instructions on how to use washing machine and dish washer work (take out something called white goods insurance), leaving the instructions out for him. Your house isn’t a hotel, I might systematically turn off the WiFi too. Explain he needs to take care of himself as you’ve got enough on your plate and he’s an adult. Xx

Alpacanorange · 01/10/2018 09:50

What would happen if you were to ask him to help you out round the home because you were really feeling exhausted and would so appreciate his help. Appealing to a sensitive side of him?? I’m not making excuses but sometimes you have to change tack.

Original poster
minilemonade · 01/10/2018 09:51

Thanks everyone. It's good to know I'm not just being horrible. I was tempted to turn the internet off on a timer during the day while he's here and see what happens. But none of it feels like it's my thing to do. And my partner gets funny when I try and talk about it in more depth and says his son has to come first but there's another child on the way and he doesn't seem to see that in some ways

OP posts:
Original poster
minilemonade · 01/10/2018 09:53

Tried the I'm pregnant route. He did dishes once (we don't have a dishwasher) he does wash his own clothes but that's the best I've got to. His grandparents live here too and I've even spoken to them about it and they don't know what to do either.

OP posts:
Poppylizzyrose · 01/10/2018 09:57

Your 100 percent right in the WiFi thing! Why should he laze around not paying a thing. I think hit him where it hurts/change the password. :/ he should be doing his fair share while he stays in your house. You’ll tell him the password when he acts like an adult not a teenage freeloader! Or if you want less honest but more passive abbroach, make out there’s an issue with the connection; while he’s internet free hint at how much it all costs. Give him the washing machine and dish washer instructions. (Shouldn’t assume everyone’s got them) if you haven’t he should be earning his keep at th sink!

Vanessatiger · 01/10/2018 09:58

I’m tempted to say “leave” before you get into a mess. Your partner isn’t being a partner to you.

RubaDubMum89 · 01/10/2018 09:59

Could you send him to live with his grandparents for a month or two? Explaining you really need some time to rest and recuperate without the extra work of another person that does nothing as, when baby arrives, all hope of rest goes out the window?

ShotsFired · 01/10/2018 10:00

Ah, I recognise this. Your husband has the guilts because of the long distance thing. Feels like he can't say no to anything because he doesn't see the son often etc. That is the thing you need to sort out first, as nothing will ever change otherwise.

That is one of the things that broke my last relationship up. My ex had a daughter (similar age) and he expected our entire lives to go on hold for her every whim, passing comment or idea at any time. Even confirmed and booked plans we had were immediately shelved because she casually suggested in a phone call where she was just asking for money as usual a visit "at some point" (which then never happened anyway!).

Snowymountainsalways · 01/10/2018 10:00

I would arrange for him to go and stay with his grandparents for the next few weeks or a month on the basis that you are pregnant and need some space.

You have the perfect opportunity to then put a rota together and arrange a space he can use his laptop.

I understand your dp will want to spend time with his son, but he does not come first over and above you and your pregnancy. I am sorry but you come first, and his adult son needs to either start looking after the house and cleaning and making himself scarce for a few hours minimum or he will have to find somewhere else to live.

I would not stand for this Op, I am amazed you have coped with it for this long.

LittleBookofCalm · 01/10/2018 10:01

You need a put a rota up, a physical piece of paper.

Poppylizzyrose · 01/10/2018 10:02

Yeah I realised after shouldn’t assume everyone has them! Maybe explain if he’s just taking plates and leaving them by the sink they don’t wash themselves. You can’t cook a roast by putting the chicken next to the oven! Ect. I think internet is your best course, he’s far too cosy and lazy and you have a little one to look after, even if they’re not here yet you should be taking it easy. Speak to your husband but failing that and failing that you’ve tried to appeal to his kinder side, change WiFi password and you just use it. X

mumsastudent · 01/10/2018 10:06

turn off wifi use vacuum cleaner outside his room as early as possible (leave plugged in & on - provided it doesn't interfere with neighbours!) turn on music he might hates loud in living room when he is in living area

SleepingStandingUp · 01/10/2018 10:07

Has any one had a grown up conversation with him?
Was he told this is what we expect Re chores?

Or the managed approach. Mate, can you come and do your chores now so I can get on with mine? Son so you need to go to the doctors, as your off sick again? What do you plan on doing for money if you lose this job?

Alt you need to dump his crap in his room and make DH sort it when he leaves

Poppylizzyrose · 01/10/2018 10:07

100 percent cleaning rota, think of him bit more as a tenant. Don’t get into arguments, just remember your doing him a favour. It is unfortunate that his dad feels this guilt but to help his young son he could do with teaching some life lessons better late than never. Help him to grow up and live in the real world, ect. It’ll help him in long run with relationships and saving and all sorts if he helps shares and budgets his own money paying his way. Until that day cut all the privileges, basic food allowance, no cooked meals lovelingly prepared by you, you can make some changes which may give him a kick up the backside.

caffelatte100 · 01/10/2018 10:08

Seems pointless in him staying here until January! Suggest he pulls his socks seriously up or leaves. Rota, list which has to be done. He's an arse behaving like this. My 14 year old son would't be like this.
Or he could join grandparents I guess. Your husband needs to parent here.

This is a special time for you, you are not well and it's all being spoilt.

MrsCar · 01/10/2018 10:11

That would drive he crazy too OP, but it's October now, so January is in sight.

ShotsFired · 01/10/2018 10:12

Everyone saying change the wifi password - most new routers now have a simple button (WPS) you can press to automatically connect all devices in range anyway.

So it needs to be actually turned off and removed if that's the route you're going to take.

KC225 · 01/10/2018 10:13

Ring the grandparents and say you need a break. Lay it on thick. Tell them its for two weeks, a month etc.

Essentially, he is living like a student but he is 23 and needs to grow up. Whilst he is away, make a rota as others have suggested. Washing his own clothes, does not cut it.

StopCloudSeeding · 01/10/2018 10:14

Can you stay elsewhere? With parents? Because that's what I would do. Let the two of them get on with it!