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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with my partner's existing child :(

65 replies

minilemonade · 01/10/2018 09:40

I feel horrible about this but here goes. I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant after a lot of cancer treatment and being told I'd be infertile it was a very happy accident. Currently off sick because while the baby is doing well, the symptoms have shot me down. I'm 29 and my partner is 41, he's Australian and already has a son from a teenage pregnancy. So the son is 23.

Son lives in Australia normally so not something I have to deal with on a regular basis but he's currently staying with us for a year (until January) this was discussed with me and I didn't see any problems at the time because I assumed he'd be an adult and help around the house etc. The plan was he spends a couple of months travelling around Europe and then come and live with us, find a job and work full time for the rest of the year.

He did the travel, moved in with us, obviously not having a job. He didn't manage to get a job until August so he's been living here for free, food and everything included and not helping at all around the house,he just sits on his laptop all day when he's home and stops for food and sleep, and his sleeping pattern is just all over the shop.

Now he has a job, he spent his entire first pay on a holiday to Ireland, didn't give us any money (we asked for £200 a month) then the next month he did give us money but he's kept phoning in sick and not bothering to go to work. He's clearly going to get the sack and honestly I hate him being here all day every day. I need time to myself which I don't get at all and neither does my partner. It would be fine if he at least tried helping, doing dishes, cleaning etc but none of that happens. And it seems pointless threatening him with anything because we can't kick him out or stop feeding him. The stress is making me more ill and I'm getting more pregnant and less able to clean a whole house. My partner works really long hours so it's just me and him all day for four days a week and I can't stand it.

OP posts:
Poppylizzyrose · 01/10/2018 10:15

You’re facing a third trimester with this lazy twat leaving mess around your house! Not on. If husband isn’t supportive cut the treats for him too. Will the house just clean look after and cook for itself?! No. His son doesn’t come first he’s 23! You have a tiny little life and have been through cancer and hell already. Look after yourself you deserve to relax and enjoy this time and everyone to be supportive and help you! If that doesn’t happen I would t make things easy for these twats who don’t have to grow a baby themselves or know what it’s like feeling sick gassy and emotional! Grrrr

Original poster
minilemonade · 01/10/2018 10:15

They had the conversation. Ended in an argument which my partner then apologised for the next morning 😭 so it went back to standard basically straight away. The grandparents sort of took him in for a couple of months at the beginning while we were sorting the place out and they're probably worse for him in a lot of ways. They have a lot of money and they just give him whatever he wants. I might try the cleaning rota and see how that works out

OP posts:
DPotter · 01/10/2018 10:18

There's a thread on trend currently where the OP is asking when did people become such wet blankets and she's (I'm assuming) getting a bit of a pasting. However your behaviour is pretty much the definition of a wet blanket in my view.

The young man is 23, not a vulnerable 9 year old. He's in your home and he is taking the piss. You wouldn't accept such behaviour from a guest or a member of your family so why accept it from him. All this hand wringing is not good for the blood pressure.

Your Dp can't / won't act, his grandparent can't / won't act, so that leaves you. You could give DP and GPS a warning that they deal with him or you will or you could just tackle it yourself. He has no right to live with you as he's a fully fledged adult (unless you've given him a tenancy agreement).

On the basis that it is easier the ask for forgiveness than permission I'd 'loose' with the son and give him the benefit of some home truths (lazy, sponger, etc). Don't wait for him to offer to help around the home - tell him too, and if he comes back with the 'I'll do it later', stop access to food - don't make meals, buy food just before you need it, that sort of thing. You need to make his life uncomfortable. Yes - don't just put the wifi on a timer (he's 23 he'll figure that out in under 5 mins) - take it with you to work. And when he complains to his Dad and grandparents - look them straight in the eye and say 'he's an adult living in my home. don't care who his parents are - he behaves or he goes. I expect rent, chipping in for food and beers and helping with running the home.' Don't engage with any argument - leave the room.

I'm making a sweeping statement here - IME Australians pride themselves on their plain speaking / telling it as it is approach to life. Time to adopt an Australian tradition in your home. If nothing else it will be excellent experience for when you baby is a teenager.

MrsStrowman · 01/10/2018 10:19

Your DP needs to be direct with him, eg - while you're staying with us you contribute to the household, financially (so I suggest you go back into work) and practically, as you don't seem to know which chores need doing there's a list on the fridge, some of them have your name next to them they need to be done by Friday every week.
End of conversation.

BlueBug45 · 01/10/2018 10:19

OP as PP have pointed out you need to be firm and stick up for yourself as no one else will.

You can either be passive aggressive e.g. turn the internet off, hoover in early morning, loud music or be blantant.

Tell boy he needs to help out as he is not a guest or a child under 5 otherwise he leaves and goes to stay with his grandparents. If his grandparents are on your side then he has some where else to live.

If your partner doesn't like it then he can slept on the sofa, in the shed or in his car until he gets message.

Poppylizzyrose · 01/10/2018 10:23

Here here!!!

You’ve been kind and understanding, you need to try a tougher approach and think of your baby. Plus you want to teach them how to behave and respect others! You can start by enforcing some rules now. Don’t argue always leave the room but flat out don’t do things for him anymore. Don’t buy one thing he likes, take away the internet completely. Say he can pay for it. You will have to act on your own behalf as it doesn’t seem anyone else will; however you will feel better I promise. Xxx

Hadalifeonce · 01/10/2018 10:25

I would actually say something like, we were really looking forward to having you to stay, and I was particularly happy about getting to know you properly, but, you are taking the piss. You are a 23 year old, not a 3 year old. You shouldn't be expecting me to pick up after you, provide and cook all your meals. In case you haven't noticed I am pregnant, and get totally knackered, if you are staying here you need to pull your weight. We are more than happy to provide a home for you, but you need to contribute both financially and physically. It isn't on, and I do believe that you are aware of it.

I would say it in a normal voice, with no hint of irritation, so it doesn't get heated.
It may be that he is deliberately doing it to punish his father and you for not being there.

Good luck.

oldgimmer78 · 01/10/2018 10:28

Please don't go down the PA route and try to make his stay miserable in the hope he will leave. This is a young man who sounds as if he has been pushed pillar to post and hasn't seen his DF for 4 years. There is no need to argue, he is an adult and as your DH is not addressing this then you need to communicate your needs to him clearly. He has been pampered by his GP's so may not be aware that he is expected to pitch in.

My stepmother was seething with me over things and instead of just coming out and saying it she went all PA, which for me was very confusing and made me feel like an unwanted visitor in my dad's home.

EK36 · 01/10/2018 10:29

Put up a Rota of chores to do. When he's done them all, you give him that days Wi-Fi password.

Powerless · 01/10/2018 10:32

LTB - Until the Sloth Son is gone

Gersemi · 01/10/2018 10:32

We both know he's acting horribly but there's nothing we can threaten.

As he's not paying his way, tell him you will no longer be feeding him or allowing him to use your internet unless he starts both paying and helping around the house.

Original poster
minilemonade · 01/10/2018 10:34

I don't want him to leave and I don't want to have to leave myself. I just want him to understand what's expected of him, however given I'm only 7 years older than him I don't feel comfortable as a step parent. I try and get on with him as a friend more than anything. I'm not going to damage any relationship between them by being a prick but I think my partner needs to be firmer with him. It shouldn't be my job to sort this out.

OP posts:
finn1020 · 01/10/2018 10:38

He might be your partner’s child, but he’s not a child, he’s an adult. A free loading lazy adult, whom you’re subsidising financially and housework re cleaning/cooking despite being pregnant and recovering from cancer.

This is not on, if it was just for a month I’d grit my teeth and let it go, but it’s not feasible any longer.

Your partner is being a coward and needs to step up and be a partner. If he wants a relationship with his son based on mutual respect he also needs to think about why he is allowing his son to freeload, cause massive strain in the relationship between the two of you and basically allow his son to call the shots.

Feefeetrixabelle · 01/10/2018 10:41

You need to have a chat with him and say he needs to ensure he’s paying his keep and that means keeping his job. Ask him what household job he would like to be responsible for. Could he take care of the garden/clean bathroom etc. A job that’s just his to do and tell him how frequently he needs to do it. Explain he shouldn’t be creating work for anyone else now he is an adult he should be pitching in.

Poppylizzyrose · 01/10/2018 10:45

Oldgimmer I don’t think it’s the same situation, it sounds like until he moved in he was living it up traveling, then used his first wage on a trip to Ireland! I think OP deserves the rights to her house and freedoms now. He’s there not helping not paying and living off them! It’s in his and her best interest for her to get tough and show him how to live in real world and care and look after others in need. She’s been through the mill, fighting cancer and now is pregnant, well into second trimester which has its own stresses, facing a third trimester with him still there! Honestly I’d be harsh as can be! But that’s because I’m size of a whale I think and a hormonal mess. If you’ve tried being kind it is time to step it up and be tough!

PeridotCricket · 01/10/2018 10:50

It's highly likely that a 23 year old bloke isn't going to want to be in a house with a new born...can you hold out that long?

RhubarbTea · 01/10/2018 10:52

I agree with others that you are allowing the idea of a step mother or step parent relationship to get in the way of sorting this out. While he wouldn't be in your house if he didn't have a family connection, he IS an adult and you can relate to him as such. Try and forget that he is your partners son and deal with him as you would a flatmate in a shared house.

So, be kind and open about what your expectations are regarding housework, continue to demand money each month, if he loses his job that's his issue to sort and he will have to find something else in order to continue paying his way. It's important that you don't enable him into being childlike or else he will leap into the role assigned for him. So - treat him like the grown up man he is!

Make it very clear in a firm but polite way what jobs you expect him to do and discuss with him - adult to adult. This could be an important period in his life where he learns to man the fuck up and act like an adult, it could actually be quite formative. But you need to let go of the wicked stepmother guilt, and also let go of the attitude of 'this isn't my problem, my partner is the one who deals with this'. Just muck in and train him rather than sitting there silently seething.

LittleBookofCalm · 01/10/2018 10:54

whatever your age you are acting as his stepparent, so step up op.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/10/2018 10:58

If all he does is internet and sleep can't he do all that back in Australia.

I think a sit down conversation with him about actually acting like a grown up. He isn't a child any more.

Either he wants to stay in which case he goes out and gets a job or he goes home as their isn't anything keeping him in the uk

RomanyRoots · 01/10/2018 10:59

Why can't you ask him to leave, he's 23.
I'm not saying you should, but you certainly can, it's your home.
just give him the house rules and let him know that board is paid irrespective of job, just the same as every adult.
Tell him what you expect from him.

Sparklingraspberry1 · 01/10/2018 11:13

He's 23. You most certainly can kick him out and stop feeding him. By ignoring this behaviour you're giving bitnthe green light to do whatever he wants and treat your house like a hotel. Kick him out for a night or two then see if he changes his tune. He was obviously brought up with no rules or respect. Brat.

Sparklingraspberry1 · 01/10/2018 11:15

I also don't think it's only your DH responsibility to tell him. He isn't a child he's an adult, and he's living in your house. So you should tell him his you feel obviously after consulting with your other half. But it's not like he's a kid who needs reprimanding, that attitude is what has you in this mess. He's nearly the same age as you, call him out !

jackio2205 · 01/10/2018 11:23

It sounds like he's pushing to test your boundaries. He's family at the end of the day, you don't want to cause a rift, but he absolutely will not understand your point of view, he's not had children, his own home, so I think a chat to refer back to what was agreed would be good. Also to remind him about what the trip was for, travel, time with you both, maybe make a plan of sights and things to do with him and give him a chance to turn it around?
X

Weenurse · 01/10/2018 11:26

When our girls turned 18 we sat down around the table and discussed a chore chart. It was explained that we are all adults and everyone needs to contribute to the clean up ,just as they contribute to the mess.
This chart is reviewed on a regular basis because of time table changes etc.
I think they like to know what their responsibilities are.
Early on we had a couple of’i can’t cook because I’m going out’ calls. That stopped when I said I was happy to swap nights, but not pick up everyone else’s.
The chart is displayed in the kitchen.
The sad thing is that my 54 year old OH, is often heard to say, ‘it is not my night ‘ 😀 when asked to help.

Boredisboring · 01/10/2018 11:45

What is the reason for his visit? It seems like a strange age to be spending an arbitrary one year abroad. Did he want to "experience" the UK, or just reconnect with his Dad?

Is he looking for adventure or is he just kicking his heals until January rolls round? Understanding his motivation might help you to work out how to deal with him.