My friend told me I’m getting fat

[PuddinginPerth]

Today I received a text message from my friend whom I live with.

She basically said she is going to put a lock on the appliances because I’m getting fat again. The tone was aggressive and accusatory.

The issue of my weight is very sensitive because I had a gastric sleeve last year and lost 35 kilos. A few months ago I lost my gallbladder so I can’t process fats properly.

I recently got down to 57kgs and I was very sick, my hair was falling out and I was weak all the time.

I’m now 60kgs and a size 8-10 (Australian size). My hair is growing back and I’m the happiest I’ve been for ages. My BMI is also in the healthy category.

I told this to my friend that my clothes are too big and my BMI is healthy and she stated (with exclamation points) that BMI means nothing and that I am overweight.

I know I’m not putting on weight, a lot of my size 10 clothes are too big for me. I wear size 8 shorts (originally the size 8 were too big - but now they fit), and small or extra small tops. Often a small is too big. I have to buy a completely new wardrobe for summer and I am stocking it with size 8 outfits. I have a thigh gap which I didn’t notice until my sister pointed it out. If I lose the thigh gap - I don’t care. I’m in my 30’s. I don’t want to be tiny.

I told her the dress I wore yesterday was too big for me and she responded “it was huge!!” (huge as in the size) - to give context it was a size 10 (from Portmans) it was very loose but I had nothing else to wear.

As a side note, my friend is a lot taller and is a size 10-12. She has put some weight on, but is also very active.

I’ve upped my protein intake and I’m eating small meals (only when I feel like it - if I’m not hungry, I won’t eat - if my digestion plays up I can only eat small amounts of porridge and nothing is absorbed).

Basically, I’m not hungry a great deal of the time, so if I feel like I’m going to pass out, I will eat something. If I haven’t had enough protein in 24 hours, I’ll eat some protein (either chicken or lamb).

People keep telling me I am losing more weight.

Last night our neighbours told me I had lost more weight (in front of my friend).

My hairdresser told me she didn’t recognise me yesterday because I’ve lost so much weight (I’ve been stable for months and seeing her for years, I think I’m just carrying a little different).

My friend said I should be a size 6 - but I’m happy to be a healthy size 8. I’ve lost no weight off my bra size and I don’t see a point in pushing myself and losing my hair again.

I met someone on the weekend and I really like him; I’m concerned that my friends comments will make me insecure in front of him.

Today’s messages have really hurt my feelings as they are aggressive and I feel it is abusive.

My friend said she’s throwing all my food out of the fridge - I have a little bit of lamb left and some fresh coriander. Basically nothing really because I clear it out regularly. I think there are potato wedges and some fruit icy things in the freezer and that is it.

I think she will get satisfaction from throwing those out.

The weird thing is, she bought me chocolate last week and there’s still some left.

I’m thinking that I’m going to have to store food at work (I need to eat), perhaps cook food at my sisters house. My concern is I need to eat small meals regularly. I’m at work right now and now I’m worrying about this!

I can’t afford to move out right now.

My question is, is my friend being unreasonable?

I find this behaviour controlling and abusive.

Also, has anyone else experienced this sort of behaviour from people around them after they have lost weight?

I can't believe what I've just read....

She needs you to feel insecure and unhappy to get some weird validation. That's a nasty situation that you need to get out of quickly. Start looking on gumtree and other houseshare sites, moving might not cost what you fear. And by the way - well done on the weight loss; if you feel happy at 60kg and are eating healthily then keep that as your target weight and just check in occasionally that you aren't going way over.

Bunny boiler. Time to move.

If she were your partner it would be perhaps more obvious to you as abuse.

She is abusive.

How tall are you? 60kg sounds fine. Size 8 is pretty slim. Size 6 is tiny!

57kg is not fine, if you are feeling faint to achieve it.

Is there any other background here?did you ask her to help you if you started sliding back to your old ways and undoing your gastric band surgery. Are can’t think of any other reason why she would think it was
any of her business. Either way she’s wrong and she doesn’t get to be your food gate keeper.

She is not a friend. She is overly-invested in you and a bit weird. She sounds like she has food issues and is projecting them on to you.

This is not healthy and it’s not friendship.

completely unacceptable. Start making plans to move out. You can't live with this person.

You are giving this far too much head-space. Move out OP and don't look back.

No, @yoyo1234 I don’t think that’s it. When I was at my sickest (hair falling out, 57 kilos and waiting for gallbladder surgery), she was telling me I was going to get fat again - because everyone does. I spent $5k on the surgery. Failing is not an option. But I also know that if I put on weight I’ll go back to my GP/dietician. I’ll take action. I put on weight because of medication and psychological reasons. I know I’m healthy now. The dietician told me 60kg was reasonable. I could push myself down to 55kgs but I was waiting to recover fully from my last surgery. There were complications and I still have pain.

She's a CF. What's it got to do with her? You did well to lose so much weight but maybe you lost a bit too much and your body needs to put a bit back on? But you're a grown up and certainly don't need your food controlled by her. Tell her to mind her own business and keep her nose out.

I’m short - 5 foot. But my BMI is healthy and weirdly I didn’t lose any weight off my chest (which is fortunate). Before, only size 10 would fit around the chest but now I’m size 8 and still a DD bust.

I actually like the look of size 10 on others.

You need to try to get out. She’s being an abusive arsehole who is clearly passing on her own issues to you. Is she your mother? No. She is your friend. Maybe try making a few comments back at her to give her a taste of how hurtful it is. Or a tinkly laugh saying “I didn’t know you were a doctor!” Or “you never told me you got a new job being a full time nosey bitch.” It is frankly NONE of her business. Please try and get out.

Point out to her that throwing your stuff out without permission is theft and that if she doesn't leave it alone you will report her to the police.

You’re a size 8 with DD bust? Your back must be killing you OP.
This is an unhinged situation you’ve found yourself in. Hand in notice and move out immediately. This is not healthy.

If you can’t move out yet, for whatever reason, that gives her power. I would be more subversive and seem as though you think she has a point (fighting will take more mental energy, and psychologically knowing you are just placating her will work better - you can ‘collect’ hurtful things she says instead of being hurt by them). But you must move out she sounds unhinged.

Who the fuck does she think she is? I would literally move out and not even tell her. Find a new home, wait until she's out and then just pack up your shit and leave. Put a note out for her and tell her never to contact you again, she sounds obsessed with you. What the fuck?!

WITH WHOM I LIVE!!!! 😡😡😡

NOT “WHO I LIVE WITH”!!!!! 😡😡😡

Anyone remember NTNOCN?

Sorry 😳

Both of you seem to be focussed on weight, food and appearance and it might be better for you – and perhaps for her too - to be spending time with people who have less intense feelings in these areas.

It’s said that bullying behaviour often arises when the bully spots in the victim a perceived weakness that is a reflection of a hidden weakness in the bully they are refusing to look at or tackle. The problem is instead projected out onto the victim alongside all the suppressed negative feelings surrounding the problem.

Would you say that your friend might herself have control issues around food that she’s not really dealing with?

Your "friend" is turning it to a bit of a psychotic cunt.

But then we can't all be perfect, can we.

You need to look at moving out sharpish. You also need to tell her that damaging your things/throwing out your food is not an option and you will raise merry hell if she dares to interfere in your life.

Is this a reverse? Your friend sounds like a complete nutter, how can you not see it, and both of you are living in a very unhealthy environment as you're both obsessed with weight and dress size.

You’re a size 8 with DD bust? Your back must be killing you

Not that it's at all the point here, but: not really. DD on a small back size is not really very big. I'm a 28FF and have been a 28GG right after DS2 was born.

It sounds like your "friend" is struggling with her weight and the comments you are getting and the fact your clothes are too big is making her jealous so she is sabotaging you. I think a Aus 8-10 is a UK 12-14? You are fine as you are OP.

The reply above is too polite, like you semi appreciate the thought with the please and thank you. It needs to be direct and without room for confusion.

Hi,

I found that text upsetting and I no longer wish to discuss my weight or food with you. Do not remove any of my food from the fridge or freezer .

Basically no discussion of motives or negotiation or unnecessary language

Firstly well done on your weight loss journey!
Secondly I would have to agree with what everyone else has said here. She is a CF and sounds very controlling. I would explain to her that due to your gastric sleeve you are only able to eat small meals at frequent intervals. Also I would point out how unwell you were when you’re weight was 57 kilos and that since gaining back 3 kilos you feel better so will be maintaining your weight at 60 (ish) kilos.
It’s your body and if you are happy with the way it looks she should not be judging you! Tell her to get a life and stop policing the fridge!

Get somewhere else to live. She’s unhinged.