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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed Dh keeps booking days off when I’m off?

95 replies

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 30/09/2018 20:47

I’ll try and be brief because it’s boring.

I work Monday- Thursday and he’s a shift worker on a 4 week rotating pattern. Our children are all in school and I’m a childminder so Fridays are quiet and lovely in our house and hardly at any other time. I’m an introvert so really love and need that time.

Anyway, Dh’s 4 Fridays are - day shift, late shift, late shift and rest day. So he’s here for 3 out of the 4 Fridays during school hours. The fourth Friday I relish the time to enjoy the whole house to myself.

But he keeps booking the bloody days off! Bear in mind that sometimes these days fall in the school holidays too, it means I can go a few months without a day to myself. Before anyone asks, he has time when on rest days that no-one is in. Not as long, but more regularly.

Aibu? I do love him of course and we like our Fridays together, going out for breakfast, mooching around town, daytime sex, getting stuff done etc. but I crave time by myself too. Is that selfish? I pulled a face earlier when he told me he’s booked another one off and I can tell it hurt his feelings.

Sorry that really wasn’t brief!

OP posts:

stealthsquiggle · 01/10/2018 17:36

I feel your pain, OP. DH and I both work mostly from home, but currently I go to an office a lot more often than he does. This means that I almost never get time by myself at home. He is much more diligent than me about getting “jobs” done and TBH it’s driving me nuts. I’m sure he feels he is always having to set the agenda, drive for necessary things to get done, etc but I am getting more and more desperate for some time to do the stuff I want/need to do, in any order I choose, without having to justify or explain.

Rant over.

MulticolourMophead · 01/10/2018 18:18

ReanimatedSGB I agree with your post. Also that some on here are buying into this and not seeing that OP spends 3 out of 4 Fridays with her DH, and just wants 1 in 4 to herself.

I don't think it's too much to ask for time to yourself.

canadianbanana · 01/10/2018 18:44

Since he can't read your mind, just tell him you need time to yourself to recharge your batteries. Book date nights so you can still have time together to look forward to. Be glad he actually wants to spend time with you.

parentin · 01/10/2018 19:30

Sorry I'm exactly the same, my hubby understands as I have told him. So I think just an honest conversation

MachineBee · 01/10/2018 19:31

YANBU. I completely understand your need to have an occasional day to yourself. How about seeing if you could arrange a different day to have your charges ‘to help out their parents’ once in a while? They’d appreciate your offer of flexibility if it was required. Just don’t tell your DH if one gets arranged.

Wavyheaded · 01/10/2018 21:27

I'm an introvert too and I need my time alone. My boyfriend doesn't really understand but if I phrase it as "I need some Me time" then he sort of gets it and doesn't take it personally. If I just say I want to be alone, he gets a bit upset! Perhaps have a chat with your husband and say you're an introvert and not having your "me time" makes you feel stressed and resentful? I'm sure he won't want you to resent his presence!

FunSponges · 01/10/2018 21:47

YANBU! I get one day off a week and DH is on shifts at the moment which means he leaves for work in the afternoon. 1.5 hours later I'm off to do the school run. Really bloody annoying! He does the whole 'sorry, don't you want me here' thing. NO, I don't actually. I NEED downtime, alone time, peace and quiet. When he is at home at any time, he has this really irritating fucking habit of appearing in whatever room I'm in and is just in my way, then tells me that he isn't. It gets on my tits!

I've never lived alone. Maybe I should try it (although I'd want the DCs here still).

user1471426142 · 01/10/2018 23:03

I think his reasons probably trump yours in my mind. Assuming he’s not going to take 12 days of annual leave on Fridays you should still get some days to yourself. A long weekend will be more refreshing than the odd day off in the week and I can see why he wouldn’t be keen to take his annual leave when the house is full of kids. If you need that quiet time to be alone can you arrange to go out on your own and do something for yourself like a museum visit or walk where you can get a couple of hours to recharge?

Haireverywhere · 02/10/2018 08:27

Oh I missed the point of the thread I think. He wants some down time alone in the house, without the mindees too? I thought he was booking time off to be with OP.

MulticolourMophead · 02/10/2018 08:33

I don't think his reasons trump the OP's.

He wants to take time off to be with the OP, it seems, and he's already spending time with her most Fridays. Why should OP have to be the one to go out to get time alone?

Nanny0gg · 02/10/2018 08:38

You want one Friday off every now and then on your own - not in the least unreasonable.

And you don't need to be an introvert to need that time and space either. I love having the house to myself.

MrBeansXmasTurkey · 02/10/2018 08:39

A slight tangent but it seems a shame to use up all his AL taking odd days anyway. Wouldn't it be better to save it up and take a full week or fortnight.

GerdaLovesLili · 02/10/2018 09:29

And this is EXACTLY why I've taken to using Ikea's cafe as an extension to my living room. YANBU. YA so NBU.

greeneyedlulu · 03/10/2018 09:48

I get needing time to yourself but I really find most of the answers here a little sad.... I adore spending time with my other half, I love the surprise afternoon sex, cuddles, banter and just being together even if we are just doing housework!

Op you need to have an honest conversation if you feel like this before you feel resentful but I'm surprised you'd think he'd book any other day off with a house full of other people's kids.... I wouldn't

ResistanceIsNecessary · 03/10/2018 09:56

You need to be honest with him.

I had a situation years ago where I'd booked a day off to coincide with one of DH's rest days, as a surprise. At this point I should mention that I used to work a flexible shift pattern and have a day to myself every fortnight. DH's face completely fell when I told him about the 'surprise' and it really stung because I honestly thought he'd be pleased.

It took a few days but I twigged eventually that actually I was being pretty selfish - I got my days to myself but DH had been really looking forward to that day as he rarely got one where he was alone. Since then we have always been careful to make sure that we both get time alone - even if it's just one of us going out for 5-6 hours to leave the other one to potter about.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 03/10/2018 09:59

Greeneyedlulu I also love spending time with my DH. But I need periods of time on my own to recharge and be alone - and he's the same. It's a bit dismissive to imply that people who need this time are somehow lacking because they don't want to spend every waking moment with someone else, just because it's something that you can't relate to.

MulticolourMophead · 03/10/2018 10:02

greeneyedlulu just because you like being being with your DH all the time doesn't mean everyone else is sad for not doing so.

OP's DH gets plenty of time with OP, she just wants some time to herself. Nothing wrong with that, just different to you.

Thursdaydreaming · 03/10/2018 10:16

I understand where you are coming from but it's a tough one because of your job. I'm on mat leave and I was secretly annoyed DH recently booked himself two weeks off. It would have been OK if he also made some plans for us/himself to do things, but of course he didn't, I guess the "plan" was we sit around and stare at each other for 14 days.

The only solution I see is that you try to get your alone time out of the house. I know that's not quite as good but it still can be nice. I go out on a long walk, to a cafe and read, or go to try a new cake shop that might be a long drive away.

greeneyedlulu · 03/10/2018 11:20

I said I understand you need time alone, I do but I find some of the answers here sad as in heart breaking not the actual op's post.

One answer saying about cleaning on a Friday instead of hanging out with your husband and of course if you have sex with him, he will take time off and if you stop he'll stop taking time off. It's like these women hate their husbands and now they have kids, a house and man to pay for it, they no longer have any regard for their husbands needs/feelings. I couldn't imagine living in house and laying in a bed with someone I felt that way about.

Maybe they were joking, I don't know but I'd be heartbroken if my man said such things about me or our relationship and to be honest I think most women would be!

specialsubject · 03/10/2018 11:35

it is his house too and you don't get to decide that he can only be in it when you are not. Is the place so small that you can't get out of sight of each other?

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