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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a Christmas Day fully at home.

70 replies

JKCR2017 · 30/09/2018 18:24

I’ve asked this before but still haven’t sorted this out. Basically every year we visit the in laws and my parents & grandparents on Christmas Day before getting DS back to go his dads. Christmas Day is exhausting. Me & OH have been tougher for 6 years and we’ve never had a fully Christmas Day together not having to drive everywhere with DC aged 7&3. The in laws live 8 miles away and my family 10 miles away which isn’t far really but still takes up a considerable chunk of the day.

We have the young DC and they don’t even get chance to look at any of their presents until Boxing Day as it’s too busy and I’m exhausted by the end of it. It seems so unfair!

Luckily we’ve had a chat with my Mil and she understands! But my parents cannot accept it. Thinking we should all be together at Christmas. There will be 9 people there at my mums on Christmas Day and I find it too much as does DS who has additional needs and gets overwhelmed easily.

I’ve told people they can come to us to visit on Christmas Day or we will see them on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day!

Surely I’m not a bad Person for wanting one single Christmas at home? In my own home??

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 30/09/2018 18:26

No you're not a bad person at all. We have Christmas day at home and tend to visit people on boxing day instead

YeTalkShiteHen · 30/09/2018 18:27

But my parents cannot accept it. Thinking we should all be together at Christmas

Then they make the effort to come to you, not expect you to do all the running and overwhelm your DS!

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 30/09/2018 18:28

Yanbu. My brother is having the same issue with our parents...they don't want to accept that he wants to do his own Christmas with his own family. I'm trying to tell them to be reasonable...they're slowly coming round.

dementedpixie · 30/09/2018 18:28

Why should your parents always get to stay home while you cart 2 small children around who just want to stay home to play with their presents? Means you can't drink either if you're driving all over the place

user139328237 · 30/09/2018 18:29

As long as you're not planning on unilaterally changing the arrangements around DS having contact with his Dad there is nothing wrong with spending xmas at home. Tell your parents you'll visit on a different day instead.

Lariflete · 30/09/2018 18:29

No, you're not. Hold firm - we have compromised with one Christmas at home and one at my mothers. She still expects us to go there every Christmas, but it's not fair on my children and I have loved the two Christmases we have had almost alone. So much more relaxed and special.
The kids enjoy being at Nan's but equally love getting to choose Christmas lunch (jam roly poly!!) and Christmas tea.
People come to us in the morning so still see family.
If you wobble, just think that you are doing this so that your son has the best Christmas possible. That helps me when I get the guilt trip!

Blessthekids · 30/09/2018 18:30

No you are not being unreasonable. I totally get you, we always seem to have to accommodate the needs of my in-laws and never get to just enjoy the day. Even my own family have had to adapt their plans and accept they will not see me or dc on Christmas Day. Every year we try to change things and every year we get guilt tripped into another Christmas Day that suits them.
Good luck and hope you are better than us at sticking to your guns this year!

ForalltheSaints · 30/09/2018 18:30

Not unreasonable, especially if you are offering to visit on Boxing Day.

Petalflowers · 30/09/2018 18:31

Put your foot down and say that this year you will be at home. If you want to see your gps, then invite them over. I was pleasantly surprised recently when one of my dteen dcs said he loves the christmases we have at home.

If you think about it, when you were little, you and your parents had Christmas ‘ at home’. It’s time to start doing that with your family.

Prestonsflowers · 30/09/2018 18:31

You are definitely not a bad person and it’s really good that your MIL understands.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 30/09/2018 18:32

As the one who's always expected to travel to everyone else I think YANBU!

I've told DH that this is the last year I'm doing it.

sparklepops123 · 30/09/2018 18:34

I've never gone any where for Xmas, how can people expect to give chidren their Xmas presents then take them away from them! Relatives can work round it

toolazytothinkofausername · 30/09/2018 18:38

Christmas day at home just me, dh, and dc is the best! So relaxing and enjoyable :)

averylongtimeago · 30/09/2018 18:39

Stay at home.
I did when the dc were small, now I am a grandma we visit them.
I have had my turn at being "in charge " of Christmas- now I fit in with DD and DiL.
Of course, if they said they all wanted to stay with us, they would be more than welcome, but it's their choice.

User5trillion · 30/09/2018 18:47

I am lucky we have a pattern that works for us and everyone slots in. Xmas eve at one set of parents, presents for the kids, buffet meal etc. Then xmas day at home - open invitation to all ( my mum usually rotates between us dc), the boxing day in laws and aunty comes over.

My parents understand how hard it is with the kids and they just want to be at home with their new toys. Much less stressful that way.

Stand your ground op, they will adjust.

RiverTam · 30/09/2018 18:48

One lot of parents on Christmas Eve, home for Christmas Day, other set of parents Boxing Day. Or similar.

Original poster

JKCR2017 · 30/09/2018 18:49

thank you all. So nice to hear I’m not the only person craving a christmas at home.

Every year it’s gone like this.. we get up, open presents, rush to get dressed, go to the in laws. Either have dinner there or come home to do our own. The in laws arent too bad on Christmas Day as they are pretty chilled. Go to my families, get stressed there. There’s no organisation there. They literally chuck presents to the kids quickly and I have no idea who bought what and who to thank and the kids want it all open at once. Have 1000 toy parts all over my mums house that I have to search for amongst wrapping paper, dog hair and other peoples presents. Put all of it in there (like Tetris in my tiny boot) and take it all home unload it. By this time it’s tea time and I am ready for bed. DS gets picked up from the ex (this isn’t the issue at all as he only lives 2-3 miles away) and pretty much fall asleep, Miss all the good TV and wake up the next morning thinking how shit Christmas Day was with a load of toys needing homes 😂😂 I want different this year!

OP posts:

Pinkprincess1978 · 30/09/2018 18:52

We were the kids who were always carted around to others for Christmas and had to watch my cousins play with their new toys while ours remained at home.

As soon as we had kids I was clear from the start I'm not doing it to them. My in laws come to us almost every Christmas Day which is fine with me.

User5trillion · 30/09/2018 18:54

Op that sounds stressful. Xmas at home is great, we do everything to our beat and its a lovely relaxed day. Put your foot down now and every year it will be easier.

Parisbun · 30/09/2018 18:57

You make your own Christmas traditions as PP have said.
So no more getting dressed just to go out and leave you lovely things behind.
Have an open house of you like and invite anyone who wants to join you but commit to not leaving the house at all until boxing day. Your family wont combust because you are making good christmas memories for your children and you wont be too tired to enjoy the day.
To be honest I didnt even consider other peoples feelings on the matter once I realised my dc were missing out on their christmas through having to leave the house. So I just decreed it one year and it just happened. We have our own traditions now and really enjoy the day together with no interruptions.

MulticolourMophead · 30/09/2018 19:01

OP, I agree it'll be nice to have Xmas totally at home. Some years, we managed to do that when we were still with ex.

This year the DC and I will be at my parents. Mum is terminally ill and until she has passed my dad won't go out for a meal anywhere, not even to my house. I'll do the cooking there, but when she has passed I'll have dinner at our place, to give dad a different place to associate Xmas dinner.

However, DC and I plan one day at least over the period where we stay at home in PJs, have our favourite foods and DO NOTHING.

divadee · 30/09/2018 19:05

We had this with mil expecting us to go to hers which is 4 hours away every year. I put my foot down 2 years ago when very heavily pregnant (was 36 weeks at xmas). Then last year I did have a temper tantrum and say I am now spending Xmas in my own home with the little one (eldest has flown the nest) and partner can do what the hell he likes (he always felt bad as he felt like he was abandoning Xmas at his mums). He stayed at home with us. People came to us. This year I haven't had to say anything as he did first and say it's so much easier staying at home. Yayyyyy win!

I say just tell them they can come to you. Some will and some won't but don't back down on it.

agnurse · 30/09/2018 19:06

YANBU. For years we stayed home on Christmas day. Mum's family had a big gathering on Boxing Day 2 hours from where we lived, so we went for the day. When we were very young we didn't visit Dad's family at Christmas because they lived 6 hours' drive away and the weather was often poor. (We live in Canada.) We visited Dad's parents at Easter and during the summer. When we got a little older we usually went to Dad's parents' on the 27th and stayed over New Year's.

We can't always visit my parents at Christmas because it depends on Hubby's work schedule and my kid (she has Christmas Eve and sometimes morning at her mum's). Over the years when I was working as a nurse in clinical practice there were many times I didn't get Christmas off. My parents' attitude was always "We party with whoever shows up and we see you when we see you". They recognized that getting everyone together at Christmas wasn't always possible.

MissCharleyP · 30/09/2018 19:09

YANBU. I used to live 200 miles from my family and I was always expected to do the visiting. Really annoyed me. I used to beg for no physical presents as it meant me trying to juggle suitcases, parcels and bags on the train/tube/train/taxi home. The first year I was with DH we stayed in a hotel near my DPs - was OK but not ideal. We drove from on Beds to Lincs on 23rd, then up to Lancs. On 27th from Lancs to S Wales, then on 30th from S Wales to Kent. Staying in Premier Inns. The following year I put my foot down and said anyone who liked could come to us but I was not prepared to move out of my house until after Boxing Day.

crumpet · 30/09/2018 19:09

Could your parents come over to you for breakfast on Christmas morning instead, and then head back to theirs to prepare for their guests?

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