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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a Christmas Day fully at home.

70 replies

JKCR2017 · 30/09/2018 18:24

I’ve asked this before but still haven’t sorted this out. Basically every year we visit the in laws and my parents & grandparents on Christmas Day before getting DS back to go his dads. Christmas Day is exhausting. Me & OH have been tougher for 6 years and we’ve never had a fully Christmas Day together not having to drive everywhere with DC aged 7&3. The in laws live 8 miles away and my family 10 miles away which isn’t far really but still takes up a considerable chunk of the day.

We have the young DC and they don’t even get chance to look at any of their presents until Boxing Day as it’s too busy and I’m exhausted by the end of it. It seems so unfair!

Luckily we’ve had a chat with my Mil and she understands! But my parents cannot accept it. Thinking we should all be together at Christmas. There will be 9 people there at my mums on Christmas Day and I find it too much as does DS who has additional needs and gets overwhelmed easily.

I’ve told people they can come to us to visit on Christmas Day or we will see them on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day!

Surely I’m not a bad Person for wanting one single Christmas at home? In my own home??

OP posts:

CraftyGin · 30/09/2018 19:13

Just tell them what you are doing.

We had a year where we broke the plans to the ILs in October worried about a cataclysmic fall out. They just said that that was what they did when they were in our position. Worried about nothing!

Before that, we actually fitted the roof box to the car to make sure DC had our presents to open. What utter madness!

Be strong and pick a day for your visit - 26th or 27th. Make that the new tradition.

AJPTaylor · 30/09/2018 19:20

Do it. Do it this year.
Your parents will sulk and get over it.

Glumglowworm · 30/09/2018 19:21

What did your parents do when you were young? If they stayed home at least some of the time, it’s definitely time to remind them of that fact!

YANBU

Both sets of my grandparents lived far away from us, I’m very glad my parents didn’t make us spend most of Christmas in a car! (I used to get very car sick as well which would’ve added to Christmas travelling misery!)

GunpowderGelatine · 30/09/2018 19:26

YANBU. We are hosting this year for only a couple of people, it's not fair on kids being dragged from pillar to post on a day where they really just wanna play with their toys. We've told people they can pop round if they like.

Plus, I am a terrible glutton and I want Christmas dinner my way on my terms we tend to rotate and I'm sick of going to peoples houses to nonchalantly be told "oh we've been so busy we only put the turkey in an hour ago" 😭😭

Cuddlykitten123 · 30/09/2018 19:27

If they are that close then I'd just do an open invite to yours for pudding and Turkey sandwiches from 6pm or something similar...

Ansumpasty · 30/09/2018 19:30

YANBU- invite them to you!

You could always separate them if it would be too many people at one time and invite half for breakfast and half for Xmas dinner? Your husband can cook one of the meals and you the other, so it’s not one person cooking all day long.

We always stay home in our pyjamas on Xmas day. Pyjamas, opening toys and eating the entire day

Maelstrop · 30/09/2018 19:31

I don’t understand this crazy rushing round and carting kids all over the place at Christmas. I’m lucky that my dh works shifts so we don’t necessarily have Christmas Day and can’t travel to somewhere 5 hours away.

Crunchymum · 30/09/2018 19:33

All that aggro and you may not even be fed?

You go home and make an Xmas lunch between in-laws and your parents?

EvaHarknessRose · 30/09/2018 19:38

We told everyone we were not going to travel at Christmas but it was open house if they wanted to visit or stay. Mil and DM and her husband often join us and 15 years on we have our own traditions as a group now! Bro also visits after Christmas and dsis sometimes.

LargeGlassOfPepsi · 30/09/2018 19:40

I don't understand parents who insist on seeing their grown up children on Christmas Day! It's ONE day of the year for goodness sake. Our children are grown up and we drop gifts over a few days before Christmas depending on what everyone is doing. We see each of our children and the DGC at some point over the Christmas period but rarely all together due to their jobs etc. We really enjoy a chilled out Christmas Day with no pressure from anyone nor putting pressure on anyone.

GreenMeerkat · 30/09/2018 19:42

YANBU!

It's only my parents that we visit on Christmas day and they live round the corner so we are quite lucky in that respect. MIL lives abroad and goes on holiday every Christmas and all other family are too far away. But we still had our first Christmas at home year before last as my mum was working until 2pm (nurse), so I offered to cook. The cooking was stressful but it was nice being able to stay at home and drink baileys at 9am. My parents and DBs came to ours.

ednclouda · 30/09/2018 19:43

We stopped it and now go away every xmas to a cottage my dh has 4 brothers with 15 yes 15 kids so its a NITEmare we are the only couple kids free his brothers are soooo jealous of us cos MIL is v controlling ordering everyone around be here at 1pm be there at 630pm ………... the silence is wonderful can't recommend it highly enough

MrsDeanWinchester75 · 30/09/2018 19:47

Yanbu, Christmas is about the kids, we used to have to visit the grandparents when I was a kid and my main memory of Christmas is opening presents in a rush then out all day feeling desperate to get back and play with my new toys.

Squidgee · 30/09/2018 20:00

Yanbu.

My brother and I always took it in turns to visit mom and dad at Christmas, he did one year, we did the next with them, it allowed us every other year at home to ourselves!

Parker231 · 30/09/2018 20:03

We have an unofficial rota. We live in London. In laws are in Canada and my parents, Belgium. One year we go to the in laws, next year to my parents, next we’re at home alone or we go on holiday. It seems to have worked ok. DH sister now lives in the States but is happy to meet up at the in laws. Luckily my sister lives near my parents.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 30/09/2018 20:10

Christmas Day is our day in our own home with our two children. We don't drive around and we don't have visitors. They are 5 and 4. This day is for us.

Boxing Day is for the rest of the family. We either drive over to the UK for my mother or we see DHs family.

flowercrow · 30/09/2018 20:17

Multicolour Mophead I'm so sorry.

NearWildHeaven · 30/09/2018 20:57

We ended up unexpectedly staying home for Christmas Day last year, quite last minute. In laws moved things forward before Christmas.

It was bliss. Honestly just so lovely and relaxing. It's ruined us a bit for this year now

buckeejit · 30/09/2018 21:58

Yanbu. I would like a Christmas at home alone-we're in a pattern of staying home (NI) & catering for anyone who wants to come from my side-2-8 extra or at pils in England. It's ok but I may be tempted next year to stay home & ask people for teatime!

Fluffyears · 30/09/2018 23:09

We stay home and family come here. We only get 25th and 26th off. My mother’s house is filthy (how she hasn’t got botulism I don’t know) so we won’t eat there. She refuses to clean saying ‘take me as you find me!’ I like a clean and tidy house. Mil cannot cook and has the worst tiny ill equipped kitchen so no way we can serve a Christmas dinner there.

The only thing that spoils it a bit is mil having to stay. She is an awful houseguest and I honestly can’t even go into last year as it still rankles and I wanted to chuck her out. Grin, bear it and drink baileys is how I get by.

hanbanbea · 30/09/2018 23:27

Hey, really relate to this post!
All of our parents are separated and we have family miles apart. Our solution has been to have Christmas at home and say anyone is welcome. It's not smooth as some folk like a house-full at Christmas, but we do have a wonderful relaxed Christmas every year.

Weathermonger · 01/10/2018 02:03

We went through the same thing with 3 young DC. We decided to hold our own Christmas celebration on Boxing Day. No visitors, no travelling. As the parents and in laws have aged, we now host everyone on Christmas Day, but our children (now 14, 17 and 21) still maintain the best day of the holidays is our private celebrations on Boxing Day. Good luck with whatever you decide.

stellabird · 01/10/2018 02:35

I'm a grandma and I'd never expect my children to bring their kids to me for Christmas Day. To me it's a special day for the little kids - the adults should be able to manage around the children's needs. I go to my daughter's place on Christmas Eve for a casual meal, and I take "Christmas Eve presents" - boxes with new PJ's, mugs and books for the kids to open in the evening. It's lovely, very special.

I always had to go to my parent's place for Christmas and I hated it - like you I'd spend all day in the car, and the kids never had a happy day in their own home. I vowed that I'd never do that to my family when they got older and I haven't. I'm sure your parents will get over it if you put your foot down, and stick to your guns.

Keep it all about the children , not about yourself or your parents. Say the children need to spend a happy day at home, not rushing around in the car. Your parents could come over on Christmas Eve to spend the evening at your place if it's all so important to them - or make it a day on Boxing Day.

mehimthem · 01/10/2018 03:36

I too remember the craziness of piling 3 kids (a newborn prem son; 3 yr toddler son, & an almost 9 yr son) into the car, with loads of gifts, stacks of food & driving first to the IL's (closest at about 25kms away) then another drive of about an hour to my parents. MIL loved to have 1st-dibs so the boys were very indulged with sweets & many toys, & she would often be sad/annoyed that we had to leave straight after her huge Xmas lunch to head into town. Then my parents got to try & entice us with either a late-lunch or sweet snacks, more gifts - but generally got the already full tummy looks, or tiredness/over the present looks. All too in scorching summer heat :) It was so hard in hindsight to try & please everyone. The year that my DH (who loathes Xmas)said no more was such a blessing. This is your family, & these are your family memories you are making. Now we have DGC it can be our turn to visit them. Dont let them spoil your wee kids day.

mathanxiety · 01/10/2018 05:21

YANBU.

ExH and I and four DCs used to go to his parents home for Christmas, 9 hours away by car, and spend the week. It was a massive pita to lug children clothes including nice Christmas clothes and Santa presents all the way there, often in bad weather, and get them all home again, with the complication of bad weather. We decided to end the madness before DC5 was born, and stay home. The ILs got used to the idea eventually after a lot of harrumphing.

This was in the US and we compromised with going to theirs for Thanksgiving (late November). At least we didn't have to lug presents with us for that.

It was so nice to just relax at home on Christmas Day, with no 'best behaviour' expected, and we don't even bother getting dressed until dinner time now.

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