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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed he came home at 4.45am

69 replies

GlassIsRefillable · 30/09/2018 13:46

DP works in a large team and his colleagues are mostly in their early 20s. They tend to go out several times a month with a big night out on pay day weekend. DP is 35 with 2 children age 3 and our baby who’s just 4 weeks old.

Last night he went for his first big night out in about 2 months. Normally he comes home between 1am and 3am, but last night he stayed out til nearly 5am. Our 3 year old gets up at 6!

AIBU to be annoyed? Or is a blow out once a month fair enough? I am currently up several hours in the night with our baby, so help in the day with our older daughter is very much appreciated and he is still asleep right now! I also woke at 4.30am wondering where in earth he was so I’m feeling very tired myself today. I just think he could have come home at a more reasonable time, especially whilst our baby is so small, but don’t know if I’m being unfair because I’m tired. He is generally very helpful round the house and with our daughter.

OP posts:

crunchtime · 30/09/2018 13:48

do you have a blow out once a month? would it be acceptable for you to stay out until 5am and leave him alone with both children and no notice?

SneakyGremlins · 30/09/2018 13:49

YANBU. He didn't tell you he was going to be out so long?

MrsStrowman · 30/09/2018 13:50

If it's his first night out since baby, it's not unreasonable unless he woke you up on the way in and has now written off today with a hang over. He would've been better just staying with a friend, and you should get a night off too if you want one.

Cheeeeislifenow · 30/09/2018 13:50

Wouldn't have an issue personally..unless he woke us up . And as long as there were no issues me doing the same..where was he until that time anyway?

JennyHolzersGhost · 30/09/2018 13:51

“Helpful” ? He’s the kids’ father.

Original poster

GlassIsRefillable · 30/09/2018 13:52

I haven’t been out for a year because I was pregnant / have new baby. Before that I’d say I probably went out once every 3 months but I have never stayed out that late even when I was in my 20s! Since having my older daughter if I did go out I would stop drinking at 12 and be at home by 1am so I am still able to look after her the next day.

OP posts:

Scrumptiousbears · 30/09/2018 13:54

I would let it go.

However I think you need to sit him down and say you done mind him going out every once in a while but he is expected to get up at a reasonable time the next day to contribute to family life.

I'd also make sure I got a night out or day out once a month.

Both parents deserve some time out.

PawPawNoodle · 30/09/2018 13:54

Realistically what difference does the time he got home make? It doesn't sound like he told you he would be home at 3 and stayed out longer, but even then I don't think I'd care too much because 1-2 hours isn't going to make him any more productive or useful the next day.

I mean it's fair enough to be annoyed if you want but I'd say you'd be unreasonable to have a go at him or make PA digs etc. Let it go this time and next time agree a time for him to be home and make it clear that you will need him to be able to look after the children from, say, 11am the next day so that you can go and do your bits.

Original poster

GlassIsRefillable · 30/09/2018 13:54

He wouldn’t mind me doing the same I just choose not to. He was at a night club then got food and walked home..

OP posts:

ninjagomum · 30/09/2018 13:55

Crunchtime makes the important point. If he's otherwise involved and pulling his weight with the kids then the monthly big night out isn't necessarily unacceptable, however you should have option of same amount 'time off' for yourself, so a night out and/or uninterrupted lie in until 2pm or later! Obviously this might not be an option with a tiny baby but you should bank them or take more shorter breaks for yourself.

Planned in advance is also only courteous when you are landing the other partner with all the work for the next day.

Cheeeeislifenow · 30/09/2018 13:55

"Before that I’d say I probably went out once every 3 months but I have never stayed out that late even when I was in my 20s! Since having my older daughter if I did go out I would stop drinking at 12 and be at home by 1am so I am still able to look after her the next day."

Yes but isn't that your choice.. could you do the same once a month if you wanted to without dp getting annoyed?

EdWinchester · 30/09/2018 13:55

I would think he needs to grow up a bit. He's not young and care-free anymore.

Do you go out until nearly 5am? I bet you don't.

spacefighter · 30/09/2018 13:57

It sounds like it doesn't happen often so I would let it go. You know when you go for a night out you can be out as late as you want.

RollerJed · 30/09/2018 13:58

His first blow out since the baby arrived 4 weeks ago

I think these types of responses sums up how I see marriage/long term partners in the UK and why it's generally a fucking disaster zone compared to my non British friends.

No it's not fucking acceptable. Dh would get an almighty bollocking and if he did it again before I was ready for such bullshit I'd LTB.

But I understand I'm a minority in my thinking on this on MN.

EdWinchester · 30/09/2018 13:58

OMG - just saw that he is still asleep at 2pm.

What a selfish arse. My dh would never do that in a million years.

RollerJed · 30/09/2018 13:59

Oh sorry, it's been a whole 2 months.

Fuck. That.

Cheeeeislifenow · 30/09/2018 14:00

Oh yeah if he is still asleep though that's bollox..he should be up with ages.

Original poster

GlassIsRefillable · 30/09/2018 14:01

Thank you all - good suggestions. I will let it go for today and when we are both less tired ask him to make sure in future whatever time he comes in he is still able to look after the children the next day.

OP posts:

Howhot · 30/09/2018 14:02

I don't think there is a right answer here really. Personally I'd be but I also have the type of OH who wouldn't even be tempted by a night out when we have a 4 week old at home, it just wouldn't cross his mind and is the last place he'd want to be. But for others it's no big deal and by 4 weeks you're usually getting into a bit of a routine. It's still exhausting though

PlinkPlink · 30/09/2018 14:03

Your hormones are probably making this worse. I know it did for me.

OH came home at 7.30am one morning when DS was 8 weeks. I was NOT fucking happy!!!

It was a combination of being annoyed that I was being left to look after DS not just for the evening but for the whole of the next day, jealousy at not being able to go out and party with him/with my mates, and annoyance at him not texting me to let me know he was OK (I'm going to worry about his wellbeing whenever he goes out, just as he would with me).

Fast forward to now, my hormones have settled and he went out the other night. Came home at 6.30am. No problems, no arguments. I'm glad he had fun 😄 he doesn't go out that often so it's not a big deal.

IABURQO · 30/09/2018 14:03

For an occasional night that's agreed to be a big night out that's fine; but not as a regular thing where you're expected to keep on looking after both kids the next day. Do you have expressed milk so you can leave him with them while you get a long sleep in later?

ConsiderHerWaysAndOthers · 30/09/2018 14:05

It’s his first night out in 2 months/since baby arrived and the difference between 3am (when he’s got home in the past) and nearly 5am is so arbitrary. I’d let that go, but make a point of arranging your own night off/out and have him return the favour with the kids, including a lie in the next day. But seriously still asleep at 2pm is not on, send the kids in to jump on him.

crunchtime · 30/09/2018 14:05

i feel like i am on a different planet to a lot of people on mumsnet sometimes.
How is no big deal for the father of a four week old baby to stay out drinking until 5am, without letting his partner know and then to stay in bed all day the next day leaving the partner to deal with the four week old baby and another child, alone all day?

On what fucking planet?

How low does your bar have to be set to think this is ok?

Sparklyfee · 30/09/2018 14:06

Just make sure you get time to yourself OP however you choose to have it. And go kick his arse out of bed, he needs to take you all out for Sunday dinner!

Ixnayonthehombre · 30/09/2018 14:07

He's a selfish twat. You have a brand new baby. He's laid in bed all day presumably. The most selfish thing about it is the waste of the next day. No family time. No support. No rest for you.

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