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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed he came home at 4.45am

69 replies

GlassIsRefillable · 30/09/2018 13:46

DP works in a large team and his colleagues are mostly in their early 20s. They tend to go out several times a month with a big night out on pay day weekend. DP is 35 with 2 children age 3 and our baby who’s just 4 weeks old.

Last night he went for his first big night out in about 2 months. Normally he comes home between 1am and 3am, but last night he stayed out til nearly 5am. Our 3 year old gets up at 6!

AIBU to be annoyed? Or is a blow out once a month fair enough? I am currently up several hours in the night with our baby, so help in the day with our older daughter is very much appreciated and he is still asleep right now! I also woke at 4.30am wondering where in earth he was so I’m feeling very tired myself today. I just think he could have come home at a more reasonable time, especially whilst our baby is so small, but don’t know if I’m being unfair because I’m tired. He is generally very helpful round the house and with our daughter.

OP posts:
Pissedoffdotcom · 30/09/2018 14:08

4 weeks post baby there is no way in hell DP would be getting off with this. There is no routine or structure at 4 weeks ffs. And for him to still be in bed? Send the toddler in there with a pan lid & a spoon.

I have no issue with DP going out, or coming in as & when. But my youngest is 14 weeks old so i'm not the raging zombie i was at the newborn stage. Our compromise is you have to be able to get up the following day & be an active part of the family.

EK36 · 30/09/2018 14:08

I think this is so selfish.

IABURQO · 30/09/2018 14:10

I'm trying to remember when DH had a big night out after the baby was born, I think it was 12 weeks. It was for an occasion, planned in advance and he was back about 1.30am. I had a big night out about a month later. We really should have another night out each, but he wants us to do something together and I'm not ready to leave the baby with anyone else, so I know where you're coming from that you just don't want to go. Kids aren't tiny for very long, there's plenty of time when they get older for nights out too.

whiskeysourpuss · 30/09/2018 14:11

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

His arse would have been booted out of bed at 10am at the latest!

Do people in their 30's with partners & kids never mind a 4 week old baby really go out & not come home until 5/6am so fucking pissed that they can't function that day?

I agree with @crunchtime how fucking low is the bar set???

AntiHop · 30/09/2018 14:12

You don't get to behave like that when you're a parent of a new born and a 3 year old.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2018 14:13

Him going out and coming in at OMG O'clock is u p to him. Makes no difference really to the OP.

However it is absolutely not ok to write of the whole of the next day too. I would be making it clear that he can come in whenever he likes but he is to be up and about as normal with the kids, hangover or no hangover. I would be fucking raging at the total abdication of responsibility at the best of times, but more so with a 4 week old in the house.

There is no way he would still be asleep if this was me, I would have been in there to have a few, very loud and very choice, words by 10 am.

larrygrylls · 30/09/2018 14:15

There used to be an expression ‘if you go out with the ‘boys’ you come in with the men’. I.e don’t go out unless you can still manage your job/responsibilities the next day.

So fine for him to go out but then he has to man up and manage his normal role the next day. He does not get to sleep all day!

Flaskfan · 30/09/2018 14:16

I think it sometimes depends on how long it is since posters had kids. Dh didn't get home until 830the other week. I go out much more than he does.I'd assumed he hadn't booked ahead for a taxi and had to skip on a couch. Kids sort themselves out in the morning; I wasn't arsed.

Few years ago I'd have been absolutely livid, because his going out would have meant huge amounts of work for me.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/09/2018 14:18

Yeah I'd be annoyed. There's having a bit of a lie in...then there's leaving you with the kids for 8 hours when you've been up a couple of times in the night already. Yes he's entitled to some time off but when it affectsthe next day so much he needs to rein it in a bit when the kids are this small as it's all hands on deck. Suggest he do 24 hours with the two of them while you go to a spa or visiting a mate or something and see what he says!

sulflower · 30/09/2018 14:20

I would be bloody furious if my husband did that and we have no kids at home. The fact you have a 4 week old baby and he's done that is totally unacceptable. What the hell was he doing until that time.

TwistedStitch · 30/09/2018 14:22

What crunchtime said.

BackBoiler · 30/09/2018 14:24

Im not bothered tbh. Mine goes out every so often and goes out til v late. I do the same! We just run each other a bath and cook some breakfast. If it was every week id be annoyed but once a month is fine

Strawbe · 30/09/2018 14:29

YANBU

I wouldn't be happy! I'd mainly be upset with him staying in bed all day, because I assume he works 5 days a week? The weekend is a time to share the load a bit more while he's around and not at work, not for him to wallow in his hangover. You are a kinder person than me - I would have woken him up by now! I get that he will want to be part of the social scene at work - but tbh I think coming home at 3am once a month is a bit much when you have such a young baby, plus your older DC to look after. I don't want to be unfair to him, but it makes him sound a bit immature

TwistedStitch · 30/09/2018 14:30

With a 4 week old baby and another child to look after Boiler? When you've been up doing night feeds and he's still in bed at 2pm?

LeftRightCentre · 30/09/2018 14:31

I'm with crunchtime. And the comment about hormones. Honestly, WTF? I can't imagine being in a relationship with a person who found they needed to have a blowout of getting wasted all night. Just, what, are you 18? We're adults. That kind of shit stopped for a long time whilst our kids were small.

SpiritedLondon · 30/09/2018 14:38

It gets on my tits when people attribute negative / undesirable behaviour to a whole country and say “ only in the UK” or “ this doesn’t happen in other countries” - it’s bollocks. People are different.... I don’t remember my DH ever going to a night club and he certainly wouldn’t have when our DD was 4 weeks old.... he was still on paternity leave and very much involved in getting up in the night with me. That doesn’t mean no one else should. Personally I would not love the idea being out that late for a routine drink - maybe something like a stag night or other celebration. And I would not have been impressed with the in-bed until 2pm - I would probably have been running the hoover around at 11.00am. Get his arse out of bed and let him deal with his responsibilities.

flumpybear · 30/09/2018 14:39

NExt weekend i'd be booking a spa day! Possibly overnight if I could leave a newborn that long Wink

hammeringinmyhead · 30/09/2018 14:40

Not only is it unfair, I'd find it hard not to feel a bit eyerolly about "needing" a night out after 2 months with the exact same people he already sees 5 days a week. I got bored of clubbing by the time I was early 20s.

AssignedNorthernAtBirth · 30/09/2018 14:49

Unless you usually split night shifts, I'd be more fucked off about him being in bed most of today. If he chooses to sacrifice his own sleep to go out that's one thing, but what he's actually done is sacrificed your access to co-parenting for 8 hours, without discussing it first.

RangeRider · 30/09/2018 14:55

i feel like i am on a different planet to a lot of people on mumsnet sometimes.
That may not be a bad thing judging by some of the recent AIBUs and answers! I'd rather be on a different planet.
He has 2 children - he needs to be capable of looking after them. If he can do that when he gets home so late (assuming he's communicated his ETA beforehand) then fair enough. But if he needs to stay in bed then it's not okay except on special occasions. It's called parenting. If you plan to have children you need to plan to change your life.

RangeRider · 30/09/2018 14:55

Quite frankly I'd rather be tucked up by 10pm with a good book!

RollerJed · 30/09/2018 14:58

It gets on my tits when people attribute negative / undesirable behaviour to a whole country and say “ only in the UK”

🙄

DishranawaywiththeSpoon · 30/09/2018 15:07

If this was a one off, big night type thing then I think it would be okay. Like his best friends 40th or something and it was prearranged. But that's like a once every 6 months type thing.

But I think with a 4 week old baby you just can't write off a whole day, it's not like people without young babies really go on massive benders once a month, I can easily go 2 months without a big night out, I could go for years if I needed to but I wouldn't normally go out once a month. You gave birth 4 weeks ago, he should be there to care for his children. If he wants to go out till 5am he can but he needs to be up with the DC and doing his share of care.

timeisnotaline · 30/09/2018 15:07

Absolutely not for me. My baby is 4 months but a terrible sleeper and dh writing off the next day would be unacceptable. We - his children and his wife, need him. He could go out for an occasion but he would need to roll his sleeves up the next morning.

You can have your big night out op. Have a glass of wine with a girlfriend for an hour, come home and watch some box set, stay in bed the next day saying this is my hangover time, deal with it. No one asked me whether I was set for sole parenting when you got hungover.

Lollypop701 · 30/09/2018 15:07

My husband went on a lads holiday for 4 days when I had a 2.5 year old and a 6 week old with colic. It was fine. I’m quite capable of looking after my kids alone. But I could also go out etc if I chose too. If he pulls his weight normally, and this is a random longer night, and you can do the same if you want too I’d be fine. Might do some online shopping with his card/book a spa day whilst he’s sleeping

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