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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed he came home at 4.45am

69 replies

GlassIsRefillable · 30/09/2018 13:46

DP works in a large team and his colleagues are mostly in their early 20s. They tend to go out several times a month with a big night out on pay day weekend. DP is 35 with 2 children age 3 and our baby who’s just 4 weeks old.

Last night he went for his first big night out in about 2 months. Normally he comes home between 1am and 3am, but last night he stayed out til nearly 5am. Our 3 year old gets up at 6!

AIBU to be annoyed? Or is a blow out once a month fair enough? I am currently up several hours in the night with our baby, so help in the day with our older daughter is very much appreciated and he is still asleep right now! I also woke at 4.30am wondering where in earth he was so I’m feeling very tired myself today. I just think he could have come home at a more reasonable time, especially whilst our baby is so small, but don’t know if I’m being unfair because I’m tired. He is generally very helpful round the house and with our daughter.

OP posts:

diddl · 30/09/2018 15:12

It's not so much the going out-it's that he more than likely would have disturbed Op when he got in-& the assumption that he can sleep as much as he needs to!

timeisnotaline · 30/09/2018 15:13

My husband went on a lads holiday for 4 days when I had a 2.5 year old and a 6 week old with colic
This would make him my ex husband. Seriously.

H1dingInSight · 30/09/2018 15:25

Our basic rule of thumb before DCs was - anything is fine so long as you keep the other one informed so they don’t worry.

After DCs our basic rule of thumb was - no big blowouts until the youngest was sleeping through. Which meant a period of 6-12 months after each DC when we aimed to be back in reasonable nick by midnight-ish. We each felt it was a bit mean to leave the other coping with babies and toddlers on no sleep - it’s too hard work.

Once each was sleeping through, it was back to pre-DC arrangements!

Crunchymum · 30/09/2018 15:31

The cool wives on these threads make me laugh.

They obviously don't have husbands / partners who do this otherwise they'd understand how fucking selfish and infuriating it is. It's also insidious... yes it may be once a month or every now and then but it's always more often than the mum ever gets to have a fucking night off and it always means the woman is left holding the baby the next day.

It's completely unacceptable.

AssignedNorthernAtBirth · 30/09/2018 15:33

Is he up yet?

PlinkPlink · 30/09/2018 15:36

@LeftRightCentre

Sorry but my comment about hormones was innocent and not dismissive. It wasnt coming from a misogynistic 'oh its just hormones' point of view, it was based entirely on my own experience.

My hormones made me overreact way more than I normally would when my OH would go out (on the very rare occasions he did). I found it weird watching myself make a huge drama out of it. My choice of wording was poor in my original post. Apologies.

I do agree that being out of action the next day is fucking irritating especially with a 4 week old. Not really acceptable.

Original poster

GlassIsRefillable · 30/09/2018 15:42

Yes after I read all the comments on here about how I should have got him up hours ago I went in and gave him the gist of the feedback on this thread . He got up shortly after!

OP posts:

theworldistoosmall · 30/09/2018 15:42

Wouldn't bother me.
When I was in a relationship, I would often come home after 4 am. I wouldn't have stopped drinking at midnight to take care of the kids. They had another parent to do that.
I wouldn't keep in constant contact either. I would leave and say bye see you later.
Although don't know why I said in a relationship. I still do this.

I don't know why it's selfish or infuriating it is as long as both partners do the same. It's not the other person's fault if one chooses to stay in every night, or stop drinking at a certain home, instils their own curfew. When he did it, I just carried on as I normally would.

LastOneDancing · 30/09/2018 15:44

This would be fine in my house, but life would go on as usual.
So next day, the 2yo would be in bed with him wanting to play while I fed the baby. Nappies would need to be changed and he'd be expected to contribute as he usually did.
No malice, but GTF if anyone thinks I'm tiptoeing about doing all the wifework because DH chose to forget has small children.

My DH has been on stags/boozy nights out but they're planned and I can plan the next day accordingly - meet friends, go to GPs, take the boys on a day out. It's the assumption that men can say fuck it in the spur of the moment and drop the ball on a whim that pisses me off.

DishranawaywiththeSpoon · 30/09/2018 15:52

Lollypop but who wants to go on a lads holiday when you have a 6 week old baby? It's not really about whether you're okay with it it's more about what it signifies his feelings are. Would anyone on this thread actually do this when their baby was only 4 weeks old? (Hypothetically no one is breast feeding) would you go on a night out till 5am or a lads holiday? I wouldn't. A night out maybe but Id want to be able to look after the DC the next day. Id also probably be way too tired to make it to 5am.

FrangipaniBlue · 30/09/2018 16:03

I couldn't get worked up to be honest.

In the Frangipani house it is generally accepted that if either one of us goes on a night out that person is allowed to chill/sleep/whatever the next day.

I don't care if DH comes home at 4am and sleeps most of the next day because (like last weekend) I know that if I do the same he'll let me chill the next day too.

I don't buy into the whole "you have children now your life must change" mantra.

As long as you both get time to do what you enjoy and you both spend time with the DC, who cares?

BackBoiler · 30/09/2018 16:14

@twistedstitch I have three kids so yes

Lovemusic33 · 30/09/2018 16:18

I think it’s ok once a month as long as he doesn’t mind you doing it once a months too (or when you want to), but he needs to make sure it doesn’t take him the whole of the next day to get over it.

Noviceoftheweek · 30/09/2018 16:19

What on earth is any man doing out until 6.30am? I wouldn’t be happy with that. OP, you should have woken him by 11 at the latest and insist he pitch in.

shithappensonmonday · 30/09/2018 16:28

Wise up. If he comes in at 5am get him up with the 3 year old. The new rule is... if he goes out the night before he has to get up with the kids the next morning or he'll never come home.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2018 16:43

Might do some online shopping with his card/book a spa day whilst he’s sleeping

FFS.............just buy yourself something pretty love.....

theworldistoosmall · 30/09/2018 16:47

What on earth is any man doing out until 6.30am?

What a ridiculous thing to say. I can think of many reasons why any man would still be out then.
But it's fine. I'm female so I assume that's fine I often come home then or later? And yes I have children.

AssignedNorthernAtBirth · 30/09/2018 20:45

Yeah, this is it. It's the unilateral decision to fuck off any responsibility that makes this situation a problem. It bears zero resemblance to a planned stag night or whatever plus agreed recovery time.

sulflower · 30/09/2018 21:21

What is it with 'book a spa day' on MN. The last thing I would ever want is a bloody spa day. What is so special about it? Granted I have been in dozens of spas when we have been on holiday but at home, to hell with that.

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