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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confiscate DM's bank card

72 replies

ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 11:44

I know it sounds awful, but I'm at the end of my tether with her drinking and coming to harm and I want to stage an intervention.

DM who's in her 60's is an alcoholic binge drinker, often coming to harm in the process. In the past she has fallen over outside and cracked her head open resulting in head scans at the hospital, she has set fire to her clothes and ended up with burns after drunkenly trying to light a cigarette. She has been found passed out in puddles in the street near her over 50's accommodation. I've lost count of the amount of black eyes, grazes, cuts and bruise's she's had.

She's recently taken out a budgeting loan with the DWP which in itself is a cheek but means she has more money than usual, she's been pissing it up the wall on booze and nobody can get a hold of her because when she does this she turns her phone off and goes AWOL.

I'm currently pregnant and have a young DS, the stress of her behavior is making my life a living hell to the point where I feel as though I'm becoming depressed.

I've tried to "leave her to it" but lose sleep over the fact she's not safe and not looking after herself. I feel responsible for her, not because of the alcohol but because she does have learning difficulties as well.

I've spoken to another relative about going to her place to check on her and taking her card and keeping it at my place, meaning she doesn't have access to funds which she can splash on booze, I'd happily do her shopping for her and make sure she has food etc.

We've tried counselling. The doctors. AA meetings. Nothing has worked.

Aibu to do this? I can't sit by and watch her kill herself anymore.

OP posts:
RapunzelsRealMom · 30/09/2018 11:49

I went through pretty much this exact situation with my DF. Unfortunately he did kill himself and I have terrible guilt feelings about many aspects of this. However, he was s grown man, able to make his own misguided decisions and it was not my place to fix him (support him, yes, but not treat him like an incapable child).

You will drive her away further if you try to control her. Although you feel responsible for her, you are not. Legally or morally

Original poster
ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 12:21

@RapunzelsRealMom I'm so sorry for your loss, I feel it's just a matter of time until DM does the same and I struggle to deal with the inevitable of it happening.

I'm angry but desperately worried and resent the fact I have this burden forced upon me and don't feel able to disconnect

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 30/09/2018 12:43

It sounds like an awful situation but i really don't think you can take her bank card. When she want to buy booze she can just call the police and say you have stolen it and they will advise you to give it back. I had a situation like this when someone i know tried to take her friends car keys from her as she was drink driving and she called the police. She had to hand the keys back even though the police absolutely understand why she did it.

I think it would be best for you to take a step back to safeguard yourself but i can understand how hard it will be.

Original poster
ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 12:53

My head is telling me to do exactly that, to take a step back as I know that's the logical thing to do for my own same.

The problem is I struggle to implement it. I do nothing but worry no matter how I try to distract myself

OP posts:
Original poster
ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 12:54

For my own sake*

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 30/09/2018 12:56

You need to go Al Anon so you can learn how to detach with love and leave her to it.

It's horrific but you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

All you can do is change how you react to it.

OldShuck · 30/09/2018 13:01

My DM is a drinker, I have had to learn to detach (not easy Sad)
Remember you have not caused this and you can't cure it. Read up on FOG: Fear, obligation, guilt.

Timeforabiscuit · 30/09/2018 13:03

Please speak to AA, or a local council alcohol treatment provider as they usually have a family and carers group. You need to get some support for you as this situation is stressing YOU, and YOU are important here.

If you removed your mums card, she would simply steal the alcohol, and im guessing she wouldnt really care about the outcome of that, but you would.

Its incredibly painful, but looking the the children of alcoholics website and the 3 cs of alcoholism can bring a degree of perspective. Please invest your energies in you and your children.

Fairylea · 30/09/2018 13:04

How severe are her learning difficulties? I would contact your local council and ask for a carers assement. She may be eligible for support under them somehow. Does she understand enough to manage her money do you think?

Timeforabiscuit · 30/09/2018 13:12

Im so sorry, i missed your point about the learning difficulties.

Do you know if shes had a formal diagnosis? It might be possible to speak to your councils vulnerable adults team, especially since the sudden money has made her behaiour worse.

I say might, as this would be a hugely difficult situation to manage in any case - there is no solving it - but if the accomodation is supported and shes endagering other residents in her binges it they may see the sense in at least doing an assessment.

Original poster
ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 13:36

She has no formal diagnosis for the learning difficulties unfortunately.

The best way I can describe it is this, she struggles with reading and writing and has a mental age much lower than her years. She is child like.

I've felt responsible for her since being a child myself, aged 11 I was labeled by social services as a "young carer" and this was long before her drinking problem which started 7-8 years ago.

She was OK with managing money until she got into alcohol, although she does still pay her bills as a priority whenever she gets paid. Once her bills have been paid she splurges on booze then relies on me or her sister to buy her food and toiletries, we are so tired of it.

She relies upon her sister to handle all of her paperwork, doctors appointments, letters and make phonecalls on her behalf.

She has been on anti depressants for years which make no difference which then leads me to believe there's something deeper going on.

She can go without the booze physically and manages fine when she has no money, but whenever she does - that's what it goes on and she becomes a huge hindrance

OP posts:
Original poster
ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 13:39

Her accommodation is sheltered housing for the over fifties but the residents are independent, there's little direct support and none for people with alcohol problems. It is a big building with multiple flats inside. Think a YMCA for older people.

I am amazed she has been allowed to remain living there whilst behaving the way she does, there are elderly tenants in the adjoining flats who are in their very senior years and can do without her making a nuisance of her self.

OP posts:
Original poster
ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 13:46

I think I will contact the council tomorrow and see if she's eligible for a carers assessment.

A lot of pressure is put upon me and my aunt to worry/act and its too much sometimes

OP posts:
Kissmycousinkate · 30/09/2018 13:51

I did this, not for drinking but for someone who has mismanaged money their whole life!

I set up a separate account where there money went into , no card, deducted a weekly allowance into a separate account for living on......maybe this would help?

JovialNickname · 30/09/2018 13:54

You can't take her bank card my darling I'm sorry. I would want to in your position too, but it isn't yours to take. It is her money to do with as she wants even though I appreciate how hard it must be to have to watch her doing this to herself. I really feel for you as it's a horrible position to be in x

Original poster
ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 13:55

@Kissmycousinkate that is the sort of plan I was thinking of.

Although if she has even £10 in cash, she'll buy a cheap ready meal and spend the remainder on cheap wine or smart price booze which is always enough to get her Trollied.

As bad as it is she cannot be trusted to have money and that is so sad to say of a woman in her sixties

I was going to do all of her shopping for her, when she needs something go with her and buy it

Its far from ideal but nothing else has ever worked and we've gone down all the usual channel's of the doctors, AA meetings, counselling. She just refuses

She doesn't want to help herself that's the problem. She enjoys living as she does.

OP posts:
Original poster
ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 13:56

@JovialNickname I think in my heart I know its not the way to go, I'm just so stressed and at my wits end :(

OP posts:
AnyName1 · 30/09/2018 13:59

I'm a sober alcoholic and if I were you I would just cut her out of your life. What she does with her money is her business. There is no saving her, unless she wants it. You must protect yourself. I'm sorry you're going through this.

AnyName1 · 30/09/2018 14:01

Stopping her money (besides being illegal) could mean she starts stealing. It's such a massive need.

Original poster
ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 14:03

@AnyName1 I'm slowly realising this yet subconsciously clutching at straws out of desperation. My utmost respect to you for getting sober, I wish my DM cared enough about us to do the same

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 30/09/2018 14:04

This is so difficult for you, you have been her carer for effectively your whole independent life.

This isnt a set of circumstances youre equipped to deal with, especailly with additional expectations placed upon you with your mums needs.

An assessment would be a good place to start to objectively see whats not working and access to a learning disability specialist to help communicate with your mum.

Social services need to understand that you prioritise your children and their needs above that of your mother, you cannot hope to do both and keep yourself well in the process. State very clearly which responsibilities you can and cannot do.

Original poster
ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 14:05

I feel so desperate and sad. I'm currently at the bus stop on my way to check if she's ok. Nobody's heard from her for days

OP posts:
AnyName1 · 30/09/2018 14:08

No respect deserved, but thanks. You must remeber that if your mum wasn't so very ill she would respect you. It's the illness that has taken it away. It's like being caught in headlights and everything else is just outside your vision. It's not personal and if she was in her right mind she'd be devastated she was doing this to you. She just can't see anything other than drink.

Walk away, it's what I would want my daughter to do xx

EK36 · 30/09/2018 14:13

I wouldn't take her bank card nor try to control her. She is a grown up. I would leave her to it. Visit once a week to check on her. Put yourself and your own family first.

sportsdirectmug · 30/09/2018 14:13

I'm so sorry you are going thru this op. My F has just remarried a young alcoholic and is drinking again, and not taking his diabetes medicine. I have cut contact, I can't handle the guilt. I am so sorry Flowers

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