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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To confiscate DM's bank card

72 replies

ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 11:44

I know it sounds awful, but I'm at the end of my tether with her drinking and coming to harm and I want to stage an intervention.

DM who's in her 60's is an alcoholic binge drinker, often coming to harm in the process. In the past she has fallen over outside and cracked her head open resulting in head scans at the hospital, she has set fire to her clothes and ended up with burns after drunkenly trying to light a cigarette. She has been found passed out in puddles in the street near her over 50's accommodation. I've lost count of the amount of black eyes, grazes, cuts and bruise's she's had.

She's recently taken out a budgeting loan with the DWP which in itself is a cheek but means she has more money than usual, she's been pissing it up the wall on booze and nobody can get a hold of her because when she does this she turns her phone off and goes AWOL.

I'm currently pregnant and have a young DS, the stress of her behavior is making my life a living hell to the point where I feel as though I'm becoming depressed.

I've tried to "leave her to it" but lose sleep over the fact she's not safe and not looking after herself. I feel responsible for her, not because of the alcohol but because she does have learning difficulties as well.

I've spoken to another relative about going to her place to check on her and taking her card and keeping it at my place, meaning she doesn't have access to funds which she can splash on booze, I'd happily do her shopping for her and make sure she has food etc.

We've tried counselling. The doctors. AA meetings. Nothing has worked.

Aibu to do this? I can't sit by and watch her kill herself anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 14:14

@AnyName1 I feel as though that's what I'm going to have to do, as much as it breaks my heart to admit that to myself because I love her so much.

Can I ask how you managed to get better? Feel free to tell me to mind my business by any means, its just I've been yet to speak to somebody who came out the other side and mum seems like a lost cause I can't imagine anything ever working for her x

OP posts:

Original poster

ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 14:16

@sportsdirectmug I admire your strength, cutting contact seems to be so so difficult to do x

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 30/09/2018 14:17

I appreciate that this is very, very hard for you but you can't control her or deprive her of money. She has a right to do as she chooses, within the law. It is an essential ethical principle that people cannot be forced to accept treatment against their wishes unless they are harming or endangering others. While her behaviour is causing you distress, that still doesn't mean you have the right to enforce a change of behaviour.

AnyName1 · 30/09/2018 14:24

I went out with quite the bang. Had about two months of 100% crazy. An internet friend called the police on me. Carted off to psychiatric hospital in the back of a police van. I had a few weeks in hospital and haven't drank since. I was close to death I think.

Original poster

ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 14:25

@ReanimatedSGB you are right in what you say, I'm just clutching at straws trying to fix something that's beyond my means.

I'm not going to take her bank card, it was a silly idea I came up with out of desperation

OP posts:

Original poster

ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 14:27

@AnyName1 thank you for sharing that with me, so you'd agree with the notion that change comes about only once somebody has hit rock bottom?

I wonder what rock bottom would be for mum.

I don't suspect she's got there yet

OP posts:

AnyName1 · 30/09/2018 14:30

When I was very bad I cut contact with everyone. They interfered with my drinking. My teenage child moved out, didn't want to see me.

I'm sober a couple of years now and all my relationships have thankfully recovered. But you must remember I wanted to be sober. Your mum may say she wants to be sober, to shut you up (!), but it could just as easily be a lie. Lying becomes second nature.

I would want my child to walk away if she were in your position.

LittleBookofCalm · 30/09/2018 14:31

can you talk to her key worker? organise for you to have power of attorney?

AnyName1 · 30/09/2018 14:32

Rock bottom is like how long is a piece of string. Different for everyone. You can't/shouldn't wait around for her to find it. Live your life.

MortyVicar · 30/09/2018 14:34

it breaks my heart to admit that to myself because I love her so much.

My utmost respect to you for getting sober, I wish my DM cared enough about us to do the same

RainbowsMum I think those two things you've said are the reasons for your guilt. You love her 100% and you want her to show you that she loves you the same. Unfortunately she doesn't. She loves alcohol far more.

I also sense that you don't want her to come to harm, but that you also want her to give up the booze so that she can have more time and love for you.

The sad truth is that she can only make that decision for herself. She won't listen to reason and you can't make her. Please try to let go. You don't have to cut her off completely, but step back from trying to fix her. She is what she is, and anything you do to protect her is actually enabling her to carry on drinking.

cantfindname · 30/09/2018 14:45

I think you have to cut all contact for your own sake and that of your baby. It isn't easy. I had to do this with my mother for very different reasons and, for a while the backlash and the guilt feelings were terrible. Eventually it got easier and I know now, without any doubt, that it was the right thing to do.. she had wrecked my life for 45 years and I deserved some peace and time without worries.

Maybe explain this to her when she is sober. Tell her you cannot, either physically or mentally, carry on worrying about someone who refuses to make any effort to help herself. Tell her you can no longer be responsible for picking up the pieces after her binges and tell her how it hurts you to watch her damage herself this way. I would give her a couple of months to change things and after that, if there is no improvement, tell her you will cut all contact.

I think you should also inform her GP of your decision and tell him she is drinking heavily whilst taking anti-depressants. He won't do anything but he will be informed of the situation.

I hope she is alright when you get there today.

LittleBookofCalm · 30/09/2018 14:58

does she have a social worker op?

Floralnomad · 30/09/2018 15:07

If she allows her sister to have all her paperwork etc could she perhaps persuade her to give herself or you financial POA . My gran was an alcoholic and much as you describe except she also never paid bills everybody else paid them she just drank . When she eventually got so mad ( either through drink or dementia or a mix of both) what we did was to give her x amount of money per day so she couldn’t drink away her pension on the first day she got it and it spread it out over the week . We never managed to stop her drinking until she went into hospital for the last time .

EmNetta · 30/09/2018 15:13

Someone earlier recommended Al-Anon, which is not the same as AA. Lots of people at meetings do manage to have reasonable contacts with alcoholics who are still drinking, and will be happy to share how the programme has helped them to cope.
My mother had the same problem, and I remember how worried I used to be about her life choices, ie drink first.
My brother recovered with the help of AA, and has now been sober for twenty-odd years, but I doubt it was because of anything I said to him.
Do try Al-Anon - anyone can go along and just listen if you like, or read the literature, ask questions etc.

Celestia26 · 30/09/2018 15:17

You are not responsible for her decisions, she is an adult.

Hard as it is to accept, you need to take a step back. Nothing you say is likely to make an impact at this stage.

Celestia26 · 30/09/2018 15:18

*Child of an alcoholic who has given up.

shakeyourcaboose · 30/09/2018 15:27

I think @anyname1 is giving good advice re rock bottom- at present with you and your aunt taking on all responsibility for paperwork, making sure she eats etc she is free to concentrate on alcohol as a priority. The advice re getting support from al-anon is very good.

MissConductUS · 30/09/2018 15:32

I'm another alcoholic in long term recovery (24 years). Like Anyname1 I had to do a hospital based detox and haven't had a drink since. I also wanted to stop, I just couldn't on my own. Very few people can stop on their own.

I second the suggestion of al-anon OP.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Unless there is some way you can force her into a residential detox program until she is rid of the worst of physical part of the addiction I don't know if there is much you can do. Without treatment it's a progressive life threatening disease.

Original poster

ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 15:36

I've just seen her, as drunk as I expected her to be. I'm glad I went as I had a horrible feeling of dread something bad had happened to her.

I did ask whether I could keep her card with me so she didn't spend all of her money on booze and end up skint and or in hospital, surprisingly she said yes and handed it straight over with no drama. I think had I arrived and 'told' her I'm taking it that would have been a different story.

She had barely any food in the house so I'm going to LIDL before it closes at 5 to get her some shopping.

She'd been drinking all day and had two cans of cider left there, I asked if I could take them as she'd had more than enough. She got emotional and said no, fair enough.

OP posts:

sportsdirectmug · 30/09/2018 15:37

It's taken me over 30 years to get to this point. I discussed his drinking with him and he attacked me in a shopping centre. It was a shocking experience and no one intervened so I was, basically, assaulted and left sobbing on the floor with my DC next to me. I am not seeing him again.

I hope you can find strength.

Original poster

ARainbowsMum · 30/09/2018 15:40

Just catching up with replies

She doesn't have a social worker no but that will be the next step I take before giving up, I'm going to try and see if I can get her one so the burden is taken off of myself and aunt

@MissConductUS I hope I don't sound patronising but well done to you too I have a lot of respect for people who have come through the other side as I can see exactly how destructive alcohol addiction is.

OP posts:

Cornishclio · 30/09/2018 15:49

That is good your mum has agreed for you to take her bank card. Often though alcoholics will stop at nothing to get their hands on booze. Presumably she won't stoop to shop lifting if she has no access to money? Being arrested for that may be her rock bottom. I was going to suggest the doctors, AA, social services but you said she has tried all these? At some point you will need to detach which is so dreadfully sad but you cannot control her drinking. You can do as you have done today and taken her card and got her food in but if she steals alcohol because she has no card she will be in an even worse position.

MissConductUS · 30/09/2018 15:55

I hope I don't sound patronising but well done to you too

Thanks! That wasn't patronizing at all, quite nice to hear actually. At times I'm a bit aghast that I made it too. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever done, but it was quit or die and I absolutely wanted to live. Most alcoholics are desperate for a way out.

The fact that she was willing to give up her bank card may tell you that she's ready to accept help. Think about gently offering another step, like a doctors visit or an AA meeting.

easyandy101 · 30/09/2018 15:57

Forcing someone onto a cold turkey without medical intervention can be extremely dangerous

checkingforballoons · 30/09/2018 16:04

I just wanted to add some support. I got to the point where I had to accept how my life would be if I stood by my father or distance myself from him to protect myself. I chose the latter.
Be kind to yourself, it’s a bloody horrendous thing to stand by and watch x

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