Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to think dh is being unreasonable?

64 replies

11112222 · 30/09/2018 00:22

So, we scrimp and save so our ds can go to private school. We have just found out that the business course / EPQ type thing ds signed up for is going to cost £1000+. We hadn't foreseen this and it's a bit naughty of the school to only just announce the price.
We have said that ds can't do the course. I was moaning to my mum about the fact that school withheld the price of the course and how expensive it was / we can't afford it etc. I wasn't asking for money.
Then mum calls back to say they will pay for the course. I felt awful that I may have pressured them into doing this. Mum assured me I hadn't and I was very thankful.
Now I have told DH and he has said no, we will not accept money from my parents to pay for ds's education.
Mum says she doesn't want ds to know who is paying for the course ( they have other grandchildren!) and DH says he will only accept the money if ds talks to mum and asks for the money Hmm so it becomes an arrangement between ds and his Gma.
I don't get it. AIBU to accept the money as per mum's wishes?

OP posts:
Cheeeeislifenow · 30/09/2018 00:24

Can you pay your mum back? Is the course essential? How old is ds?

Doubletrouble99 · 30/09/2018 00:27

I think your DH is making this all a bit too contrived. Is there some back story about his relationship with your parents?

Original poster
11112222 · 30/09/2018 00:28

Probably unrealistic to pay it back being truthful.
The course is a 6th form EPQ type course. He can't do the EPQ option because of timetable clashes, so he had to pick a different option. The course sounds good, and he'd like to have his own business one day.
He's just started 6th form.

OP posts:
Original poster
11112222 · 30/09/2018 00:29

I didn't think there is a back story. Mine and his parents come from different backgrounds, but it's never been an issue before.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/09/2018 00:33

I don’t think it’s fair for your DS to feel indebted to your mum, she doesn’t want that so what’s the point

Original poster
11112222 · 30/09/2018 00:36

so what do I do now? I feel like I'm stuck between DS, mum and DH. Sad

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 30/09/2018 00:38

If your parents are happy, could your dp be persuaded that it's part of ds's 18th birthday present, sort of a "start of adult life" present?

BackforGood · 30/09/2018 00:40

I'm confused.
If he can't do it due to timetable clashes, then what difference does the £1K make ?

It's just part of the curriculum at (state) schools round here - but not essential, it is an option they can take.

Italiangreyhound · 30/09/2018 00:40

Your dh is being really unfair to all three other people, your son, your mum and you. Your mum wants to do this for your son, it seems quite straight forward really.

Original poster
11112222 · 30/09/2018 00:47

BackforGood He can't do the EPQ because of timetable clashes. But there are other options other than the EPQ he could choose from, and he chose the business course. All the dc at his school do one of the courses.
He is looking at possibly applying for Oxbridge if anyone knows if this type of course is essential or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
11112222 · 30/09/2018 00:49

The EPQ course is free by the way. Annoyingly.

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 30/09/2018 00:53

Is ds your dh's child?

Original poster
11112222 · 30/09/2018 00:54

yep. Dh is his dad.

OP posts:
Applesandoranges1 · 30/09/2018 00:56

Is part of the issue that your DM doesn't want your DS to know that she would have paid for the course because she has other DGC and would feel obliged to give them the financial equivalent?

Original poster
11112222 · 30/09/2018 00:59

Apples yes, she is not intending to give her other DGC £1k at this moment. But that's not to say she won't in the future. Ds is eldest DGC.

OP posts:
lborgia · 30/09/2018 01:07

Has DH ever had a problem with the difference in your backgrounds? Is this maybe the first time that their money has been involved? It feels as if he is embarrassed/chippy and the only person who’s suffering as a result is your son.

Not on at all.

Happy to be proved wrong!

Dollymixture22 · 30/09/2018 01:14

I don’t think your son should have to ask his grandmother for the money. Grandmother could say to your son that she would like to pay for the course. Then so could say thank you. But I understand your mum wants the arrangement to be with you and not your son incase the other grandchildren find out.

It is a kind and generous offer. And quite normal in a lot of families.

I think you need to find out what your husbands issue is. I think he is being a little rude saying his family will only accept this gift if your mum changes how she gives it. I would be a bit hurt and offended if I was your mum. If it’s ks about pride,it is selfish of your husband to put his pride before his sone education.

In other words, I think you husdand needs to wise up.

VimFuego101 · 30/09/2018 01:25

You and your DH chose to put him through private school, which (I assume) comes with these extras attached. I don't think it's fair to make your DS feel indebted to anyone for these costs.

timeisnotaline · 30/09/2018 01:29

I suppose I’d start with what I know is acceptable. I would not have my ds ask grandma for money- I think it’s a very rude thing to encourage, and i would not want him to feel indebted.
From there, I suppose it becomes do we accept it or not. I’d happily accept it, and prob think dh should go along with this for our son’s education. 6th form is fairly final , if it is something that upsets him a bit it’s not like there are future school years, it’s a bit of a one off to get over.

Original poster
11112222 · 30/09/2018 01:34

ok. so how do I get out of this without upsetting anyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
11112222 · 30/09/2018 01:35

Just thinking out loud really.

I think I need to say Thankyou very much to mum, and tell dh to get over it.

OP posts:
AimlesslyPurposeful · 30/09/2018 01:37

Does your husband not know that your DM would rather your DS and other DGC were not made aware that the money has come from her?

I really don’t understand why he’s happy for her to pay if DS asks but not under any other circumstances.

Surely your DH would like DS to do the course so why does he have a problem with his DGM treating him?

It’s three against one - Your DM is happy to pay, your DS would like to do the course and you’re happy to let your DM treat him.

It’s sounds like your husband likes to be in control and he feels he hasn’t had much say in this so is trying to lay down silly ground rules. Personally I wouldn’t pander to him.

missnevermind · 30/09/2018 01:42

Maybe your Mother could say that instead of the driving lessons she was thinking of getting him for his 17th / 18th she would like to pay for this instead as ‘it would cost about the same’?

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2018 01:43

It's not good your husband wants your son to do this, it's simply to save his pride. Tell him to get over it. Fast, as what he's suggesting is just ridiculously contrived.

moredoll · 30/09/2018 02:02

Ask your DM to talk to your DH about why she wants to pay for the course. He can explain his reservations, whatever they may be. Maybe go out for a meal so you're all on neutral territory.