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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to think dh is being unreasonable?

64 replies

11112222 · 30/09/2018 00:22

So, we scrimp and save so our ds can go to private school. We have just found out that the business course / EPQ type thing ds signed up for is going to cost £1000+. We hadn't foreseen this and it's a bit naughty of the school to only just announce the price.
We have said that ds can't do the course. I was moaning to my mum about the fact that school withheld the price of the course and how expensive it was / we can't afford it etc. I wasn't asking for money.
Then mum calls back to say they will pay for the course. I felt awful that I may have pressured them into doing this. Mum assured me I hadn't and I was very thankful.
Now I have told DH and he has said no, we will not accept money from my parents to pay for ds's education.
Mum says she doesn't want ds to know who is paying for the course ( they have other grandchildren!) and DH says he will only accept the money if ds talks to mum and asks for the money Hmm so it becomes an arrangement between ds and his Gma.
I don't get it. AIBU to accept the money as per mum's wishes?

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 30/09/2018 02:21

Stiff necked pride is so tedious. I think your H is the type who needs to "win" at all costs so, good luck in changing his mind. He's made much ado about nothing, that's for sure

Shirleysomemistake · 30/09/2018 02:25

I think your son can do an epq without any timetabled hours. It doesn’t seem to be a ‘taught’ thing in my experience- more independent research then writing it up

thedogiswearingtartan · 30/09/2018 02:31

Your husband is being really mean. Why would he do that to his son? Your mum is doing a nice thing, just let her do it.

Topseyt · 30/09/2018 02:40

Your last update is the correct way, I think.

Accept your Mum's offer, thank her and tell DH to get his head out of his arse. Tell him that nobody, including DS, will be asking her for the money because it is contrived and extremely rude. Then just leave him to stew if he doesn't like it.

Jux · 30/09/2018 02:50

Your dh is being an idiot. This is your son's future, fgs!

If necessary, I suppose you could say you've sold something - jewellery, your body, an antique...

Nightwatch999 · 30/09/2018 02:52

The student loans/grants surely pay for these courses seen he is at college?

There are other options such as a non private school that offer the same course for free!

snowbear66 · 30/09/2018 03:10

My son did an EPQ and certain university courses lower their grade offers if the student achieves a good mark (A, A*) in the EPQ.
This has given my son the chance to apply to a Uni that he could not otherwise have looked at.
I think you should accept the money and don't see why your husband has a problem with it.

1forAll74 · 30/09/2018 03:13

This is what grandparents do,if they can afford to do it,. it makes them happy, and shows love and concern for all things family.

Just wait until you are grandparents yourselves, then you will know how things are, !!!!!!

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2018 03:14

So because your DH doesnt want to feel indebted to your mum he would rather your son was? Some father!

I can only say what I would do but I would tell him that DS has signed up for the course, it has been paid for and he needs to remove his head from his arse. Suggest he pays your mum back himself or gets over it.

counterpoint · 30/09/2018 03:17

Agree with the many PPs who say your DH's personal issues shouldn't be allowed to jeopardise your DS's future.

Respectfully, your DH sounds bitter and jealous over this matter.

There are so many pluses to let your DM contribute, and none to allow your DH to thwart.

Please think of your DS.

zzzzz · 30/09/2018 03:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/09/2018 03:50

I think your DH is being a bit of an over-proud tit, actually.
I think you can get round it by telling him that the money is an investment by your mother into your DS's future, and that actually DH has no right to prevent her from doing that, as it is for DS's benefit and not DH's.
If you can spin it that he's actually obstructing DS's education by being over-proud then it might swing it.

Peridot1 · 30/09/2018 04:36

Am I right in understanding that’s it’s not actually the EPQ but a business course instead? Alongside his A levels? How many A levels is he doing?

DS is in upper sixth and was doing an EPQ alongside his 3 a levels. However he has now been advised to drop it - his chosen subject was difficult to prove sources for. He has a lot of coursework for his A levels and he was advised to concentrate on getting the best grades he can rather than do the EPQ. He is planning a gap year and won’t apply to universities until next year which means that he will actually have his grades at that stage so the EPQ won’t make much difference.

I would be worried that your DS will be under too much pressure doing an extra course alongside his A levels.

Bu your DH is being an idiot about it anyway!

TotHappy · 30/09/2018 05:07

Its not a necessity for Oxbridge op, don't worry about that.

I think the school is outrageous for charging that when the equivalent EPQ is free.

I think your husband's solution makes no sense but it seems a bit dramatic to day your son's future is on the line - I wouldn't say courses like that have any bearing really.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 30/09/2018 06:05

Your DH is being silly. Lots of grandparents pay for or contribute to their DGC’s education. Mine went to independent school and many of their contemporaries were funded by DGP. Same at uni.

FishesThatFly · 30/09/2018 06:18

Peridot1 has a good point. Will DS actually cope with another course on top of his current work, or will something suffer?

mysteryfairy · 30/09/2018 06:41

What is the course that's costing £1k? I've had 2 DC do A levels at independent school, one of whom got an Oxbridge offer, and a third DC who has chosen to do A levels at college currently so I have sat through many options and Oxbridge evenings and I can't think of ever hearing of anything like you've referenced. Plus Oxbridge and a business course don't sound the most likely of bedfellows. I'd investigate the course more thoroughly and maybe even get more advice on here about the course itself before I agonised over who was paying.

GnomeDePlume · 30/09/2018 06:42

I would wonder about the usefulness of the business course at this stage in your DS' life. In reality it is going to be 5 years (A levels + degree) before your DS is in the position to be able to even think about starting a business. By that time a lot of what he has learned may well be either forgotten or out of date.

Not being able to do the EPQ because of timetable clashes is fine. Means your DS has more time to concentrate on getting good A levels.

Dollykitten · 30/09/2018 07:19

I would just accept the money on behalf of your DS. Your DH will come round in time.

CowInTheMeadow · 30/09/2018 07:43

Ask your DM to talk to your DH about why she wants to pay for the course. He can explain his reservations, whatever they may be.

Why should OP's Mum do this? She probably doesn't want to spend 30 minutes trying to persuade her son in law to take her money.

You just need to make a decision between you and say yes please or no thanks.

Personally I think your husband is being unreasonable, assuming your mum can easily afford to give you the money.

swingofthings · 30/09/2018 07:52

Do some research into the EPQ. Schools sell it as a very well considered course by uni but my reading has shown that many don't value it as much as left to believe and won't help much getting and offer.

Many kids gave it up after a year at DD school because it was talking a lot of time away from their A levels. DD decided to give it up after 3 months against my recommendation and it was the best decision she could have made.

No way would I pay £1,000 for it.

Butterymuffin · 30/09/2018 08:10

Questioning the value of the course is one thing, but saying the money can only be accepted if asked for by DS just seems like a way of trying to make himself the controller of it all. Agree, tell him he needs to get over it.

BlueJava · 30/09/2018 08:21

As DS really wants the course I'd accept the money. I'd tell DS that his grandparents are paying but want to keep it to themselves as they won't be giving other DGC cash right not but may later on . I'd tell my DH that DS asked grandparents for the money although in reality he didn't. I'd tell my parents your have told DS (and he'll write a thank you letter) but he won't say anything to anyone becuase you both want him to know where the money has come from and want him to be grateful for and understand the economics of it. You DH sounds like the only thing that matters to him is his pride and not your parents, your DS or you.

cornflakegirl · 30/09/2018 08:43

I think DS should get to choose. If doing this course means that he might not get help with eg driving lessons later on, then he should be aware of that.

Ariela · 30/09/2018 10:05

How about you speak with your parents to tell your DH that they will make an allowance for this in their will, or that your parents tell your DH that they have the funds availabe to help ALL the grandchildren equally at whatever time they might need it eg home buying

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