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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to think dh is being unreasonable?

64 replies

11112222 · 30/09/2018 00:22

So, we scrimp and save so our ds can go to private school. We have just found out that the business course / EPQ type thing ds signed up for is going to cost £1000+. We hadn't foreseen this and it's a bit naughty of the school to only just announce the price.
We have said that ds can't do the course. I was moaning to my mum about the fact that school withheld the price of the course and how expensive it was / we can't afford it etc. I wasn't asking for money.
Then mum calls back to say they will pay for the course. I felt awful that I may have pressured them into doing this. Mum assured me I hadn't and I was very thankful.
Now I have told DH and he has said no, we will not accept money from my parents to pay for ds's education.
Mum says she doesn't want ds to know who is paying for the course ( they have other grandchildren!) and DH says he will only accept the money if ds talks to mum and asks for the money Hmm so it becomes an arrangement between ds and his Gma.
I don't get it. AIBU to accept the money as per mum's wishes?

OP posts:
Original poster
11112222 · 30/09/2018 10:17

Thank you so much everyone.

to answer a few questions -

The course is the Mini MBA.
Yes, ds will cope academically.

The deal with going to a private school was that we couldn't afford the trips. He has never done a school trip there other than the curriculum ones. Ds has been offered the chance to move to a (v good) state school and be able to go on trips etc, but he decided to stay where he is for 6th form.

I really don't understand DH's attitude to this and it's surprised me tbh.
Thank you again for all your comments. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
11112222 · 30/09/2018 10:20

ps - I hope my mum isn't on MNet!!! She would be really upset to know dh felt like this.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 30/09/2018 10:23

DS should accept the money and pay it back to his grandmother when he is working. Leave his parents out of it.

Happygummibear · 30/09/2018 10:42

Is it a pride thing... dh feels bad that he can't afford for his son to do the course.

Could you arrange a payment plan to pay your dm back? Or agree that it's birthday and Christmas presents etc ?
If you do make an arrangement you would need to get your ds to agree as he might not like it and prefer not to do the course. He is a young adult and needs to understand the full picture to make an adult decision with support

GnomeDePlume · 30/09/2018 10:57

Honestly? I think it's a waste of money.

I have had a look and can't really see what your DS would get out of it. He's too young, too inexperienced.

zzzzz · 30/09/2018 15:32

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StartingGrid · 30/09/2018 15:42

@zzzzz maybe he didn't want the upheaval of moving if so much is expected of him academically, not really his fault if the parents chose to school him in manner they couldn't comfortably afford, I'd hardly blame the boy for not wanting to leave established friends and trusted teachers

zzzzz · 30/09/2018 15:46

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RedSkyLastNight · 30/09/2018 15:49

I wouldn't take such a sum of money from may parents because however freely they claimed to give it, we would have to show our extreme gratitude for years to come, and my parents would take it as an excuse to interfere in DS's education. So firstly, if DH has similar concerns, I totally understand where he is coming from (and this maybe why he is trying to say it should be something that your mum is doing directly for her grandson, so he doesn't need to feel beholden.

However, that's a lot of money for something that sounds of dubious value, and that DS has only chosen to because of timetabling.

I wouldn't take the money and would encourage DS to choose something else.

moredoll · 30/09/2018 18:51

If someone gives you a present it's really really rude to refuse it. Your DM is an adult with her own money, presumably with mental faculties intact, who wants to use her money to help her grandson. Why would you insult her by refusing it.

zzzzz · 30/09/2018 18:53

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moredoll · 01/10/2018 02:06

How is a GM paying for an educational course for her GS an inappropriate present? She's not buying him boxes of brandy and cigars ffs.

zzzzz · 01/10/2018 06:28

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RedSkyLastNight · 01/10/2018 07:46

... and also because the gift may come with strings (not clear if this is the case, see my post above), shows favouritism to one grandchild above another, and means the parents will have to invent some sort of story (using GM's plan of not telling DS the money comes from her) as to where the money came from.

Especially as the parents have told DS he can't have "extras" if he stayed at private school.

But mostly ... because it's not really worth spending that money on this course at age that DS is.

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