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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for thinking I'll be too old?

96 replies

GrandTheftWalrus · 29/09/2018 21:21

To have a second child?

Due to work I can't ttc until August next year by which point I'll be nearly 35 and dp will be 37.

If it happens in the first month again I'll be 36 when I give birth and my DP will be 38. His oldest child will be 16.

Is this too old?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 29/09/2018 22:29

I'm not sure I really get what your issue is. If you want a second child then try for one.

You are overthinking it big time.

azaleanth90 · 29/09/2018 22:30

I think ‘aged primipara’ is the phrase they used back then and until recently and it does not mean elderly!

Original poster
GrandTheftWalrus · 29/09/2018 22:32

They used elderly prim for my mum

OP posts:
polkadotpixie · 29/09/2018 22:33

I'm 34 and just had my first baby. I'd like another one in 2/3 years

My Mum was also told she was old to be a FTM when she was pregnant with me back in 1983 but it's a different time now...my health visitor actually told me I'm a young Mum compared to most of the people she sees which I found quite surprising!

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 29/09/2018 22:34

At 37 you’ve got time for 2

I had my first at 37 and I've got a whole bunch of them now Grin

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 29/09/2018 22:34

I just had a baby at 40, was absolutely fine. My consultant (who I saw for non age related issues) seems to think I'll be back at some point in the next couple of years.

ShadyLady53 · 29/09/2018 22:34

It must have been in error because it only relates to over 35's based on research in 1978 that has since moved on.

Lalliella · 29/09/2018 22:35

ODFOD

Your post is insulting to anyone who doesn’t have the choice. Too old - no. Too self-absorbed - maybe.

MrsStrowman · 29/09/2018 22:35

I'm pregnant with my first I'm 34, DH is 35, if we have a second I want at least a two year age gap and then we've got to TTC so I'll be 36 before we even think about that, so no definitely don't think you're too old!

OrdinarySnowflake · 29/09/2018 22:44

In the nicest possible way, you can't worry about the gap with your DSD as there's already 12 years or so with your current DC1 and DSD.

Your DSD will be a different 'generation' almost, and not have the sibling "playing together" type memories with your DC1, but if you have a DC2 soonish, your 2 DCs will be close enough to have that.

I repeat - it doesn't really matter about being classed an "older mother" - in your early to mid-30s is the same stage! You'll be treated no differently than your DC1 pregnancy due to your age (although as a 2nd time mum you'll be treated differently based on your last pregnancy/labour, not your age).

Decide if you want a DC2/DC3 for your DP. Decide if you want to have one earlier to have a small age gap or wait due to work issues. But your age isn't an issue at all.

iliketomoveitmoveitMOVEIT · 29/09/2018 22:48

In theory no.

In practice your body and circumstances are unique: too old for one person might still be young for you. You could have some fertility tests done - that would hopefully set your mind at rest.

As for loving the second, I wouldn’t worry too much about that. Certainly I found it much easier to bond/fall in love with DC2 because she didn’t come with that terrifying WTF HAVE I DONE!!!? But the practicalities of 2 are much harder, so you could use the time to try and work out some strategies for juggling two (not literally Wink).

Italiangreyhound · 29/09/2018 22:51

OP I was 39 when dd was born. However, I never managed to carry another baby to term, an early miscarriage and lots of failed fertility treatment. I adopted ds in my 40s.

I think whatever age is fine, but I would not put this work trip before your fertility if you really do want another. I'd go ahead with your plans and either go to Ireland pregnant or if on maternity leave then hopefully work will do something similar if you go back. If it is literally just a trip you want, I'd just go and then get busy! But 36 is not old!

Dustbunny1900 · 29/09/2018 22:54

Is this a joke/light hearted/tongue in cheek question ?
Of course not, unless you somehow go through early menopause or have hormonal issues.
My mother had me (her first) at 36 Shock. And kept going u til she was 42.
Many many modern women wait til their 30s to start a family, I'd look at it as more the norm where I'm from. im totally Hmm Confused at this question haha

Original poster
GrandTheftWalrus · 29/09/2018 23:33

No it's a serious question.

I tried for 6 years with my ex husband and it never happened.

So it happened with my DP the first month.

I am just so worried I won't love another one the same and I'm not a good mother.

OP posts:
ShadyLady53 · 29/09/2018 23:45

It’s not really an age issue then is it? More like anxiety...

ShadyLady53 · 29/09/2018 23:48

Do you actually genuinely want another child? The Ireland thing, the age thing, the step children thing...are they all excuses masking something deeper going on?

You don’t have to have a second child if you don’t want to. But if you do, why are you so worried you won’t love it? And what makes you think you are a bad mother?

I feel like there is something else going on here...

Italiangreyhound · 29/09/2018 23:49

"I am just so worried I won't love another one the same and I'm not a good mother."

I am sure you will love a second, that's what most families have, at least two (2.2) so it's not really an issue even if it feels like it. Whether you are a good mother or not, that' snot something we know.

Good luck.

happymummy12345 · 29/09/2018 23:50

My mum has 3 children, we were all born 10 years apart. She was early 40's when she had her youngest.

MrsPob · 29/09/2018 23:53

I'm 38 and yet to have any children. I am staying positive and thinking/hoping I still have time. I don't think you're too old at all!

wonderstar1216 · 30/09/2018 00:01

I'm 36 and have birth 2 weeks ago to our third child. You won't be too old!

BackforGood · 30/09/2018 00:03

How long are you planning on gestating for ?

If you are 34 when you first start TTC ( Due to work I can't ttc until August next year by which point I'll be nearly 35 ) and you succeed in the first month, ( If it happens in the first month again I'll be 36 when I give birth) then surely you will be 35 when you deliver this baby??

^ pedantic I know, but you are being ridiculous.
Not sure where in the world your Mum gave birth, but 26 wouldn't have been considered 'elderly' for a first baby anywhere I know of. Plus, this isn't your first baby. Of course people have babies throughout their 30s, just as 'the norm'. Many women have babies in their 40s.

QuimNiceButDim · 30/09/2018 00:06

This is like a lesson in goading.

Hanuman · 30/09/2018 07:30

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Savita_Halappanavar

Some good reasons not to travel to Ireland during pregnancy

Lizzie48 · 30/09/2018 07:50

I wasn't able to conceive when I got married in my 30s so it obviously is too late for some women to get pregnant. (Although my fertility problems might have been there for years before then.) But I wasn't too old to be a mum at all; my DH and I adopted and I'm now a mum to 2 DDs of 9 and 6 at the age of 49.

So you're definitely not too old.

nutbrownhare15 · 30/09/2018 07:56

I'm pregnant with dc2 and will be 37 when they are born. My husband is 40. So I'm obviously quite biased in saying you are not too old!