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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To encourage dp to get a fwb?

98 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 29/09/2018 19:27

I started a thread in relationships about my lack of labido and how it breaks my heart to keep rejecting dp. The short story is i dont want sex anymore and am thinking about suggesting dp gets a fwb? The poor guy is being rejected daily and also i would love for the affection without the pressure.

Could this work do you think?

OP posts:

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 29/09/2018 21:16

Everyone is getting very outraged here, but in reality I bet there are many relationships where the female partner no longer wants sex, both parties wish to stay together, and the husband quietly has affairs.

Obviously it is different in this case as the OP loves her husband and is planning it for him (I'm sure only theoretically), but as a solution to the current problem I can totally see why it appears (in theory) an option worth considering.

HB2Me · 29/09/2018 21:19

No OP don’t do this. I think you need to get your coil sorted. Then see how you are.

VanGoghsDog · 29/09/2018 21:22

@TomHardysNextWife

It's not fair to say it's 'an utter doddle', mine was really painful. At least getting it our doesn't take long though.

"But likely the OP doesn't want sex as the hormones from the coil are affecting her libido. One of the most common side effects."

Anecdotally, but there is no reliable scientific evidence to support this.

@lolarose896

"The coil is awful there are so many horror stories out there about it, I don't know why anyone still gets it as a form of contraceptive"

Apart from insertion and removal, I've had zero issue with my three and I have very limited other contraceptive options as I am allergic to ingested progesterone, and the implant and injection are too risky for that reason, and I have migraines so can;t take the combined pill (which may or may not also cause the allergy anyway), I had an unwanted pregnancy using condoms so I find them unrelaxing to use....etc.

Zoflorabore · 29/09/2018 21:23

Op I say this gently but is the coil just an excuse for not wanting to have sex?

You do know if you mention this plan to your husband it will trigger the demise of your marriage? How could it not?

Do you feel like you could ever want sex again?
I take medication which is causing me to have terrible side effects and one of them
Is loss of libido. Doesn't help that I'm not happy in this relationship and I know that is having a major impact on me.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 29/09/2018 21:26

@FunSponges i daresay you are right.

Its just too long to explain but i have severr anxiety and the issue due to the coil have been long term only i convinced myself it was due to cancer. Its been ruled out but still niggles.

So whilst the coil caused the issues now it is an avoidance

OP posts:

spaceraidersrock · 29/09/2018 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheesyWeez · 29/09/2018 21:35

The coil absolutely killed my libido - very gradually over several months. I felt awful, like Branleuse describes. Doc said it couldn't be the coil, but when I insisted on having it out (which hurts 100 times less than having it put in) within a week we were back at it "like rabbits"! as OP said

CaptSkippy · 29/09/2018 21:36

Could your avoidance issues possibly have anything to do with the fact that your partner pesters you daily for sex. That would turn me off too, coil issues or not.

Haireverywhere · 29/09/2018 22:11

Tawdry, I get what you're saying but I think the fact that he's asking her for sex suggests he's looking for sex inside his marriage and wouldn't necessarily be up for a sex worker or affair.

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/09/2018 22:12

TomHardysNextWife
But likely the OP doesn't want sex as the hormones from the coil are affecting her libido. One of the most common side effects.

don't you think that the OP should make sure that it is the coil before anyone undergoes surgery?

TomHardysNextWife · 29/09/2018 22:59

A vasectomy is hardly surgery.... it's a minor op and they do it at our GP surgery these days. 15 minutes and it's all done. Hardly something to crap your pants at given the struggle that the OP has had with other contraceptives and has more than had a go at trying different ways.

But hey, god forbid her DP should step up to the plate even though his partner is so desperate to keep him happy that she thinks she should let him find a FWB.

Pringlecat · 29/09/2018 23:19

You need to sort out your contraception.

He needs to stop putting himself in a position where he is rejected daily.

Then, when you are seeking medical help to be physically able to have sex again, and he is respecting your right to not have sex, you can address the reason why you ever stopped. You say you were at it like rabbits - did you enjoy those days at the time?

You say he's your best friend and also that you're rejecting him daily and feel there is too much pressure. If he really was your best friend, he wouldn't be making you feel pressured, so I suspect there are other issues in your relationship that need to be addressed before this can be resolved. Perhaps more so with women, when we don't feel 100% loved, the desire to have sex dwindles.

Sort yourself out physically - because you need to see a doctor anyway - then work on yourself emotionally, and the two of you as a couple emotionally.

Bringing other people into a fragile relationship is never the answer. Kinder to just end it there and then for all parties.

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/09/2018 09:28

TomHardysNextWife

10 to 15% chance of life long pain from this surgery. But you keep under selling the issues.

AnoukSpirit · 30/09/2018 09:52

Why is your partner pestering you for sex when he knows you are in pain? What kind of an asshole does that?

Doesn't sound lovely or respectful.

Squeegle · 30/09/2018 09:57

Isn’t it the anti depressants that you are on that are causing the lack of libido. They are well known for that surely?

Branleuse · 30/09/2018 11:23

I reckon the reason youve gone off sex is likely to be at least in part due to the hormones in the Mirena, combined with the antidepressants.
I think it is worth trying to resolve these, via a different form of contraception, ie condoms or steriliaation or vasectomy, and maybe trying a different antidepressant.

I also think if your husband is being rejected daily, then hes asking too fucking much. He also needs to take the pressure off.
It says a lot that youre feeling so under pressure here and scared, that you are pretty much suggesting that putting a bomb under your marriage might be better than this.

spaceraidersrock · 30/09/2018 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShatnersWig · 30/09/2018 11:39

I do get annoyed with people on these type of threads who have a go at a man who does want a vasectomy. And that they should man up. At least 10% have long term severe pain or complication following a vasectomy and studies suggests it's probably at least 15%, possibly higher. Whenever there are these threads, women and men with experience of a vasectomy going badly wrong and causing severe problems come on and explain just how bad it can be. YES, the majority are fine, but to simply dismiss anyone who doesn't want to take a risk with surgery with comments like "man up" are frankly pathetic. Clearly "your body, your choice" is a female-only thing.

Oh, and for those who haven't read the original thread - and I partly think it unfair to comment without doing so - the OP says sex with condoms hurts. I don't recall anyone on the OP's original thread telling her to "man up" and just use condoms and put up with the discomfort. FFS.

CountessVonBoobs · 30/09/2018 11:46

The coil is awful there are so many horror stories out there about it, I don't know why anyone still gets it as a form of contraceptive

Because it works brilliantly for lots of us? I love mine. I'm on my third. It doesn't suit some but actual complications are fairly rare.

Honestly this doesn't sound like a contraception problem. It seems like it's either bound up in MH, or the relationship itself has decayed (daily asking for sex would put anyone off). I'd get sex therapy (paid for) before I took the (expensive) step of splitting or OKing an open relationship (which is usually just a delayed form of splitting).

MelonBuffet · 30/09/2018 11:58

Hormonal contraception is always seen as this great liberating thing which has saved women from unwanted pregnancy. Which it IS - but I’m pretty sure it’s also responsible for many women’s lack of libido and emotional upheaval. Messing about with our hormones is bound to cause issues - why we are expected to put up with the long list of side effects from hormonal contraception - not least of which is having our sex drive effectively taken from us - I don’t understand. If men suffered these side effects they would never take the pill - in fact trials of the male pill were aborted because men suffered low libido, weight gain, whatever, exactly as women do on the pill/implant/coil. This was seen as unacceptable for a male contraceptive. Because hey, women can physically have sex even when they don’t want to.

LEM please get the coil taken out. Forget hormonal contraception, let your body get back to its natural state. If you’re not having sex anyway you’ve nothing to lose. Once you feel better in yourself you might be inclined to give your DP a handy every now and again and will most likely want to get involved in something yourself too (presuming you still find him attractive and he’s a decent guy, in which case he won’t WANT a Fwb anyway).

DP and I have been together 6 years and I can count on one hand the number of times we have just PIV despite a very active sex life. We do other things and mostly prefer it that way. PIV isn’t the be all and end all - if more couples accepted they could have all the fun without the worry of pregnancy, I’m sure they would have a much more fulfilling sex life. Pretty sure a bloke would rather get handys and oral two or three times a week than PIV under duress once a month.

Twinkie1 · 30/09/2018 12:13

Have that coil whipped out (I pulled my own out but was told it isn't advisable 😬). Went from being totally uninterested in any physical contact with DH to chasing him round the bedroom 😏.

Life just improved as a whole too. I felt happier and less like I wanted to stab every fucker who spoke to me and dropped 10lb without trying!!

I totally understand that it is a great contraceptive for some but there are some of us that it messes up both physically and emotionally.

Original poster

LEMtheoriginal · 30/09/2018 12:27

Twinkie i am scared to be without it.

I am seeing my dr on thursday so will discuss it.

Am wondering if it is worth having it removed while i wait for referral and see how i feel?

OP posts:

diddl · 30/09/2018 15:07

"Twinkie i am scared to be without it."

But if it's not in properly, it might as well not be there!

easyandy101 · 30/09/2018 15:15

Would your partner actually be interested in this?

An open, sexual relationship absolutely isn't for everyone

I'd also recommend casual encounters over a regular fwb thing, if that's the way you both wanted to go. Sleeping with someone a lot leads to an emotional attachment whether it was your intention or not, which can be very unfair on the fwb

AlphaBravo · 30/09/2018 15:24

The coil could be causing all of your problems OP.

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