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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To encourage dp to get a fwb?

98 replies

LEMtheoriginal · 29/09/2018 19:27

I started a thread in relationships about my lack of labido and how it breaks my heart to keep rejecting dp. The short story is i dont want sex anymore and am thinking about suggesting dp gets a fwb? The poor guy is being rejected daily and also i would love for the affection without the pressure.

Could this work do you think?

OP posts:
Santaclarita · 29/09/2018 20:04

I wouldn't tell him to get a fwb. Get the cool out, what about trying the implant? Less invasive than the coil.

Branleuse · 29/09/2018 20:06

getting a coil removed doesnt hurt. Its nothing like having it put in. Is it the mirena, because progestogen can affect libido. They kept telling me that it was a small dose and localised, but i gained weight on it and had mood effects, and this is not uncommon

Can you ge sterilised or him get the snip

VanGoghsDog · 29/09/2018 20:07

@LEMtheoriginal

You don't have to put up with this from your coil. I speak as someone who was crucified by having mine put in, I'm on my third now. Having it swiftly removed is a short, sharp pain - just get it removed.

If you need a new one for contraception (I did, no other sensible options available to me), I persuaded the NHS to have mine inserted under general anaesthetic.

I really think you should be sorting out the coil and looking into medical reasons for your lack of libido. It's a shame for you both.

OhTheTastyNuts · 29/09/2018 20:07

DH and I use condoms. Isn't that an option? I had no libido at all when using hormonal contraception. It did come back!

Merryoldgoat · 29/09/2018 20:08

It’s perfectly fine to decide you don’t want anymore sex - equally reasonable for him to decide he doesn’t want to accept that and leave the relationship.

I wouldn’t stay married to someone who put an embargo on sex without reason or didn’t try to fix a fixable issue.

VanGoghsDog · 29/09/2018 20:08

@Branleuse

It hurts some people - it's impossible for you to say what hurts other people. I found it very painful. but it was at least quick.

Original poster
LEMtheoriginal · 29/09/2018 20:18

@Branluese they have dismissed my concerns also. I had one coil inserted totally pain free but this last two have been shit

OP posts:
TomHardysNextWife · 29/09/2018 20:24

OP I've had 5 Mirenas and I can promise you they are an utter doddle to come out in comparison to insertion.... my cervix is so well hidden that I've had to have the last 2 placed using ultrasound and it wasn't a remotely nice experience. Having it removed.....they literally just grab the ends and pull.... takes about 15 seconds.

I've had issue after issue after 2 c sections and DH sorted out a vasectomy without my even asking him. That's what you do when you love your partner and you want a sex life.

Tell him no sex until he's got one done. FWB my arse!!

lolarose896 · 29/09/2018 20:30

The coil is awful there are so many horror stories out there about it, I don't know why anyone still gets it as a form of contraceptive

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/09/2018 20:33

To those suggesting a vasectomy.

The OP doesn't want sex.

Removing the coil should be the first port of call not calling for the bloke to have a vasectomy.

Bobbybear10 · 29/09/2018 20:35

I’m obviously missing something.

Why would you not just get the coil removed?

Why can’t you use other contraception?

Why would you have the coil when it gives you pain and MH problems?

It seems utterly crazy! I don’t get it?

diddl · 29/09/2018 20:35

So your current coil isn't reliable, you were in agony having it & the previous one put in, but contraception is still falling to you??

TomHardysNextWife · 29/09/2018 20:44

But likely the OP doesn't want sex as the hormones from the coil are affecting her libido. One of the most common side effects.

Pumperthepumper · 29/09/2018 20:46

LEM I mean this so gently, which is hard to get across in text - I think I remember from your previous threads that you have health anxiety, is that right? Do you think this might be anxiety speaking?

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs · 29/09/2018 20:53

LEM love, don’t even suggest it. It’s never as simple as all that. Get your coil removed, you don’t even have to tell him if you don’t want to, but previously he’s seemed like a decent bloke, are you sure he wouldn’t understand? See if your libido improves. Take things from there. Your MH does NOT need to deal with him having sex with someone else, it REALLY doesn’t.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 29/09/2018 20:55

LEM - I hear you. I had terrible problems with the coil. Just awful. And nothing else suited me.

The one thing I can recommend on a purely practical level: Naturalamb condoms. Not at all like your bog-standard condom; my partners can attest to that. They really are quite extraordinary. They're pricey, but I felt that was the price I was willing to pay. Now my partner has had a vasectomy, so no more having to torture myself.

FWB as a fix to a problem that has other solutions isn't going to work. Opening a marriage up because both partners want that experience is probably the only reason I'd recommend sex outside a monogamous arrangement - and even then it rarely works.

ArrivisteRevolt · 29/09/2018 20:57

OP, the coil thing is avoidance.

You could (and should) get it removed and sort out alternative contraception. You haven’t done that. Why not?

puzzledlady · 29/09/2018 20:58

I’m sorry OP - but I think that will the the downfall of your relationship. You as essentially asking him to mindlessly have sex (an intimate act with someone they love/like/adore) with a random and hope he can disassociate the two?

I’m sorry you’re going through what you are - but if you are seriously thinking about this arrangement, just be aware that in that fwb situation, he might find what you cannot give him too tempting - could you live with that?

What about the pill? What about a condom? There are options? Unless youve already given up on the relationship, this solution seems very extreme.

CaptSkippy · 29/09/2018 20:59

Why is your partner pestering you for sex when he knows you are in pain? What kind of an asshole does that?

Haireverywhere · 29/09/2018 21:05

Oh sorry OP I suggested a vasectomy but hadn't grasped the issue of using contraception problems as avoidance. I think if your partner values but you don't want a sexual relationship ever again and don't want to explore these feelings with your GP, therapist or partner, it's best to end the relationship rather than open it.

BuntyII · 29/09/2018 21:05

Your marriage is fucked either way tbh. You keep things are they are and he grows to resent you - who wants a sexless life Confused or you send him off to someone else and you're both driven mad and end up splitting.

Third option - remove the coil, see a counsellor if that is possible for you, both of you work at regaining the intimacy and saving the marriage.

teaandtoast · 29/09/2018 21:08

I can't get over the daily pester rejection.

Pumperthepumper · 29/09/2018 21:14

Oh god, I missed the daily rejection bit. How long has this being going on for LEM, how long has it been an issue?

FunSponges · 29/09/2018 21:15

The chances are he won't go for this idea OP. I've suggested it to DH as I'm not interested in having sex (nothing to do with contraception) and he was horrified and said it wasn't normal and he isn't interested in getting it elsewhere.