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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To choose to not got to friend's hen weekend - I'm a bridesmaid

70 replies

apothocarrie · 29/09/2018 17:55

The hen weekend is in a UK city known for its partying and is going to involve mainly booze and clubbing.

I decided to try and be sober for a month and I have concluded that I would like to do this long term due to an unhealthy relationship with alcohol that I realised I had.

The hen party is in the new year and I am dreading it. I think there'll be between 10 and 15 of us staying in a couple of apartments.

My friend and I had a very booze filled relationship. It did settle a bit when we both had kids but we're lucky if we see each other twice a year now.

I broached the subject with my husband about not going and he said that it would end the friendship.

She doesn't know I'm not drinking.

Most of the chattier hens on the whatsapp group are young, free and single and still in the party mindset so it appears that it's going to be a boozefest and is booked through a hen party site that also indicates this.

Would IBU to not go? How do you think the hen will take it??

OP posts:
JohnnyKarate · 29/09/2018 17:58

You can still go and not drink. I do not drink and recently went to my friends hen party in Newcastle which is not known for its tame night life and had the best time totally sober.

Sirzy · 29/09/2018 17:58

If you are planning on stopping drinking surely you need to find a way to do that that doesn’t impact on your overall social life?

Is it really worth missing such an event over? Just drink soft drinks, or limit your drinking.

PlateOfBiscuits · 29/09/2018 17:59

Go and don’t drink?

Mightywease · 29/09/2018 17:59

If you do want to give up alcohol completely then you will have to face situations when others are drinking but you're not.

So I'd say go but explain you won't be drinking.

Merryoldgoat · 29/09/2018 18:00

I would not end a friendship with anyone over not coming to a hen night and anyone who would isn’t worth being friends with.

Disappointed, sure, but that’s it.

If you don’t feel able to go, tell her the truth, explain and ask if you can take her out for a mini-hen a different time.

Felicitycity · 29/09/2018 18:00

You should go and not drink. If you're going to go TT altogether it will take you a while to find your way to deal with boozy situations. TBH mosy people aren't that bothered what other people are drinking.
By the way - well done you - I am impressed -and a bit jealous-

LegallyBrunet · 29/09/2018 18:01

You can still go and not drink? I have a friend who doesn’t drink but still comes on nights out and I can’t drink much because of a health condition so manage by alternating between soft drinks and alcoholic ones

Oblomov18 · 29/09/2018 18:01

Why would even consider not going?
Loads of people do 'dry january' or 'sober October for cancer research' so it's hardly unheard of. OTT.

chestylarue52 · 29/09/2018 18:02

Just go and don’t drink. The whole weekend surely won’t be just drinking. You don’t even have to declare it, just drink non alcoholic drinks in a wine glass etc. You don’t have to go to the clubs, you can just join in the daytime lunch / dinner etc. It is possible. It’s just if you’re willing to put the effort in.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 29/09/2018 18:02

If you have had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol then don't go. Sure, later on you might have to face these situations - but you are in the early days and it might be very hard.
Sounds like a lot of the posters here haven't had much experience with people trying to address alcohol issues, you might have more luck on a dedicated forum or even at AA (there's no qualification or level of alcoholism needed to attend, but a lot of experience and people who will help). Good luck

Aprilislonggone · 29/09/2018 18:03

Fake needing antibiotics and offer to be the chauffeur? Suggest how much cash it will save on taxi fares..

BrokenWing · 29/09/2018 18:04

If you have decided to be teetotal then just go and don't drink. If you are cutting back, go and alternate 2 soft drinks with one alcohol. Maybe leave early beige they all get too legless.

Most brides would be disappointed if their oldest /closest friends who they chose to be a bridemaid didn't make the effort to go on a reasonably accessible hen. But you know your friend better than us.

HappyBumbleBee · 29/09/2018 18:04

Either go and don't drink.... Your explanation being that you don't drink anymore or - if you're worried they'll be pushy - because of medication
Or don't go and use illness as an excuse (although that means pretending you're going up until the time) or tell her you won't be able to make it as childcare issues /Hubby works away sometimes so it makes planning that far ahead impossible etc x
If there's that many going and it's a booze fueled weekend I don't think she'll throw away your friendship over it. Maybe if you tell her you can't go for whatever reason, tell her you'd like to do something just the two of you instead (spa day or treat her to a special lunch) x

Alarae · 29/09/2018 18:05

Just go and don't drink. I still have a blast when I'm out with friends clubbing and dancing even thought they are drinking and I'm not.

You don't need alcohol to have a good time. It's a mindset.

DolceFarNiente · 29/09/2018 18:07

YWBVU not to go! As others say, you don't have to drink. I went to my own hen weekend without drinking for medical reasons and I was still able to have a great time even though I never fathomed having my hen booze-free (my friends drank, of course).

You might want to make it clear you're off the booze so that they don't keep including you in rounds. You don't even have to say why though.

PurpleDaisies · 29/09/2018 18:07

This would be more easily forgivable by your friend if you’d decided you needed to stop drinking for good but you’re only doing it for a month. I’d go, but have a word with your friend in advance saying you’re not going to be drinking.

Joinourclub · 29/09/2018 18:08

If it was next week I’d say maybe don’t go. But in the new year you will have been 4 months sober and you should just go and not drink. You need to be able to not drink in situations where other people are drinking if you want to continue to have a social life.

PurpleDaisies · 29/09/2018 18:09

Ignore me, ive just reread your post and realised I missed the line about stopping drinking permanently. Blush

TeaMeBasil · 29/09/2018 18:09

You can go and not drink, or you can explain that you can't go and still be a bridesmaid.

I've done both of the above when I've been a bridesmaid & it's absolutely not ruined any friendships. If it did then it wouldn't have been a great friendship to start with.

Put yourself first on this one, decide what you want to do and talk to your friend, hopefully she'll be a good 'un and understand.

AnotherCareerThread · 29/09/2018 18:11

I'm tee total, doesn't mean I get locked in at night.
Go, have fun.
If you can't have fun without alcohol there are bigger problems to address and if you're friends give you shit for not drinking, they're not your friends.

Shoxfordian · 29/09/2018 18:11

Yeah you should go and not drink

AnotherCareerThread · 29/09/2018 18:11

*your

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 29/09/2018 18:14

Sounds like a lot of the posters here haven't had much experience with people trying to address alcohol issues

This.

The OP has come to a realisation about her problem drinking and is trying to address a longstanding dependency. That's nothing like going to a hen do and not drinking because you're on antibiotics or doing Dry January. She's probably feeling pretty vulnerable right now as it's very early days.

OP, you need to take things at your own pace. If you're not ready to face questions about why you're not drinking or to be involved in social events that centre heavily around alcohol then that's completely fine. You're doing a really good thing for your emotional and physical well-being and if that means that on this occasion you have to tell a white lie and invent a work or family commitment you can't get out of then it's not the end of the world.

museumum · 29/09/2018 18:14

It’s in the new year. You’ll have been sober four months or more by then. Do you really not think you will be able to resist for one night by then? If that is the case you’ll need to speak to the bride.

MeltingSnowflake · 29/09/2018 18:14

I think the 'go and don't drink' advice is missing the point a bit.

When you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, it can be really hard to go to something like this and not drink - that's the unhealthy part. And by going, she could be persuaded to have just the one and one becomes another and before you know it, you're back in old habits.

I'd tell your friend about why you're giving up drinking and why you're worried about the hen weekend - if she's a good friend, she'll understand and she won't want to jeopardise your health/progress. Ask her advice re: coming up with a solution that will make both of you happy. Involve her in the process and hopefully you can work something out. And perhaps you'll just have to wait and see where you are with the not drinking by the time the hen do comes around - if you're feeling strong, go for it! By that time, you may well have reached a point when you CAN just 'go and not drink.'

FYI there's a great group on the Coach Me app re: not drinking - if you need tips on how to survive this weekend or even if you just feel yourself slipping one day, you just shoot them a message and they rally around you and suggest ideas to take your mind off it.

Good luck!