Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To choose to not got to friend's hen weekend - I'm a bridesmaid

70 replies

apothocarrie · 29/09/2018 17:55

The hen weekend is in a UK city known for its partying and is going to involve mainly booze and clubbing.

I decided to try and be sober for a month and I have concluded that I would like to do this long term due to an unhealthy relationship with alcohol that I realised I had.

The hen party is in the new year and I am dreading it. I think there'll be between 10 and 15 of us staying in a couple of apartments.

My friend and I had a very booze filled relationship. It did settle a bit when we both had kids but we're lucky if we see each other twice a year now.

I broached the subject with my husband about not going and he said that it would end the friendship.

She doesn't know I'm not drinking.

Most of the chattier hens on the whatsapp group are young, free and single and still in the party mindset so it appears that it's going to be a boozefest and is booked through a hen party site that also indicates this.

Would IBU to not go? How do you think the hen will take it??

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 29/09/2018 19:03

A true friend will respect you taking care of your health. If you can go to part where there is no drinking just do that. If not don't put yourself in harms way, this will be a problem you need to have a way of dealing with in future, a support group or counselling may help.
Take your friend for a lovely meal or walk and don't let it be a pressure.
Well done and good luck

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 29/09/2018 19:14

You absolutely do not need to go. If she truly is a good friend she will understand. I would plan something else to do with her, just the two of you, to mark the occasion. Perhaps after the wedding/honeymoon where it can be a bit of an anticlimax.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 29/09/2018 19:16

I’d tell her now, though, so she has time to get used to the idea.

Crunchymum · 29/09/2018 19:25

I have recently become teetotal and there are certain social occasions that I simply wouldn't enjoy whilst sober (the hen do described by the OP would definitely be one of these occasions!)

I can still go out and have fun not drinking, but it's quite different to spend a whole weekend with a bunch of people on the lash.

Make your excuses now OP.

Pinkclarko · 29/09/2018 19:25

Think you should think carefully about going. If course you can have fun without drinking but once your mates get pissed you'll probably find them annoying and you'll be stuck in another city with them presumably.

FellSwoop · 29/09/2018 19:30

Not wanting to derail but here's some recommended reading for you:
Catherine Gray : The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober
Annie Grace : This Naked Mind
The Sober Revolution : Sarah Turner and Lucy Rocca
These books really helped me at the beginning and gave me something to do in the evening when I'd otherwise have been drinking...I found watching TV triggered me to want wine so I had to break that ritual. Can binge watch Netflix no problem now though!

Loads of really good sobriety instagrammers out there as well...it's really helpful to read/hear other's stories when you're in early days.

Crunchymum · 29/09/2018 19:49

The OP isn't hiding away from all social events, she just doesn't want to go this one which she knows will be a weekend long piss up!!

AJPTaylor · 29/09/2018 19:49

It depends.
Is drinking optional for you?
If you are actually saying that you are dependent on drink and cannot risk the temptation then dont go.

WallisFrizz · 29/09/2018 19:55

She’s a good enough friend that she wants you to be her bridesmaid...so talk to her! Confide about the alcohol issue and your decision to go teetotal. Hopefully she’ll understand. I think you should go but if you are going to let her down (and it is a let down for a bridesmaid not to go to a hen night) then at least tell her why.

Leeds2 · 29/09/2018 19:59

I think I would expect my bridesmaid to come on my hen weekend, unless it was for financial reasons. That said, I would never have a hen weekend in the first place!

Atalune · 29/09/2018 20:04

You should go.

Unless you feel like drinking would be inevitable and you really cannot cope with that, then....don’t go.

However you must be totally honest with your friend and be prepared for her to feel upset.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 29/09/2018 20:10

Completely understand where you are coming from. I had a friend who was great when meeting for coffee but a mess on a night out for the same reason as you, she wants to join in! Make your excuses or be honest.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 29/09/2018 20:12

OP my DM is a recovering alcoholic and I know she really struggles being around alcohol. When someone's had an issue with alcohol it's not as simple as going and not drinking, especially when everyone else is.

If you aren't ready and you think it could stir up some problems, ywnbu to not go. I'm sure if you explain to the bride your reasonings then she'd be fine and if she's a real friend then she'd understand.

Ikabod · 29/09/2018 20:15

I have to say, @Stuckforthefourthtime does have a good point. My DH sounds very much like you. Stag weekends, weddings etc are a complete nightmare for him. When his Dbro got married the prospect of the stag really stressed him out - because not drinking in these situations is nigh on impossible, especially if you have difficulty controlling how much you drink and others are hitting it hard.

He really had no choice but to go. But if your friend is truly a friend, be honest with her. If a friend of mine came to me and told me what you've told us, I'd understand completely and maybe meet up just to two of us for a pre-wedding coffee & cake instead. HTH and

Thighofrelief · 29/09/2018 20:23

It's depends how important being alcohol free is to you. For me it's infinitely more important than giving offence and a hen do would be out of the question. I lost a few friends over it but realised they were drinky friends and there was any other substance to the relationships. If a close friend was having a hen do i would refuse, explain and ask to take her out for a spa day on me.

Pinkprincess1978 · 29/09/2018 20:25

I agree you should go and not drink.... that said neither of my bridesmaids came to my hen do and it didn't end our relationship

Allineedyoutodois · 29/09/2018 20:30

Talk to friend, go and don’t drink. Loads of places service non alcoholic beer which helps take her heat off younfron other people as it won’t be obvious to most. If she’s any kind of friend she’s going to be supportive. The rest of them will have a few drinks and forget all about you, they won’t notice.

HuntIdeas · 29/09/2018 20:40

I went to a boozy hen weekend while pregnant and it wasn’t a problem at all. I went down on the Saturday morning (missing the Friday night drinking) and did all the day time activities, including the cocktail making class. Then I went out with everyone on Saturday night and just got a cab back to the hotel by myself when I started to get bored with everyone being pissed

Can you do something like that?

Graphista · 29/09/2018 21:15

I've never been a big drinker due to being the daughter of an alcoholic and the granddaughter, niece, cousin of a number of other addicts in the family, doesn't surprise me at all that there's believed to be a genetic component to addiction.

I'm currently teetotal as I'm on medication which it's not advised to drink on. I don't find this a hardship but I can appreciate it very much is for anyone with a problem relationship with alcohol.

It's very much NOT as simple as "just don't drink" the addicts in my family who've successfully quit (and it's not always alcohol, but there's also the issues of cross addiction) were advised by whoever they got support from (mixture of aa, church support groups, rehab workers) that really it's best to avoid potentially triggering events/situations and people for at least a year.

I'm not necessarily saying the op needs to do this, but 3/4 month is not that long and a full weekend is a long time to resist temptation especially when the people around you are likely to be applying serious amounts of peer pressure.

Op has been really brave in recognising her difficulties and doing something about them.

Personally I think you shouldn't do, too much too soon in your sobriety. If she truly is a good friend she will absolutely understand, if she doesn't then you owe her nothing anyway as she's not a good friend.

I suspect your dh being one step removed from everything recognises she is less a friend than a drinking companion and that your sobriety, rather than your reluctance to go to this event is what will end the friendship.

BlueberryPud · 30/09/2018 00:05

I don't read this as OP being a latent alcoholic. I don't read this, either, of her being worried about being sucked in to get ratarsed on her friend's hen night.

My take is that OP is fine with not drinking, but is worried that her friends will think that she is being a killjoy, a wet blanket, a fun sponge, by not joining in with the drinking.

I've been in the same situation as OP when I did dry January. My friend's 50th birthday bash right in the middle. I was absolutely determined that I would drink lime and soda, and I did. And nobody really noticed.

I have a neighbour who tells me that she would love to do a whole dry month, but she has too many 'occasions' to attend for it to be do-able. Her son's 25th, her own WA, a weekend away with friends.
All these occasions make her feel like she has to embrace alcohol
to make it more enjoyable. That is her reason for not being able to not drink for a month.

I think OP's worry, like mine were, is that people will feel that you are being a bit miserable and saintly for not drinking. And that your friends will think you a bit of a misery guts for not necking copious amounts of alcohol. OP, if you know you won't be tempted, and you are just worried about being seen as a miserable non-drinker,, you should go. You'll be bright and breezy the next morning and they will feel like shit. That's the upside of drinking lime and soda. I just hydrates you.

I still do sometimes drink a bit more than I should, but it's rare and spontaneous. And I always wish that I hadn't.

OP. Of course go to the hen night/weekend. Just don't drink alcohol.
It's perfectly acceptable and normal to not drink alcohol if you don't want to suffer the hangover.

Flip

1 2 3