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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To choose to not got to friend's hen weekend - I'm a bridesmaid

70 replies

apothocarrie · 29/09/2018 17:55

The hen weekend is in a UK city known for its partying and is going to involve mainly booze and clubbing.

I decided to try and be sober for a month and I have concluded that I would like to do this long term due to an unhealthy relationship with alcohol that I realised I had.

The hen party is in the new year and I am dreading it. I think there'll be between 10 and 15 of us staying in a couple of apartments.

My friend and I had a very booze filled relationship. It did settle a bit when we both had kids but we're lucky if we see each other twice a year now.

I broached the subject with my husband about not going and he said that it would end the friendship.

She doesn't know I'm not drinking.

Most of the chattier hens on the whatsapp group are young, free and single and still in the party mindset so it appears that it's going to be a boozefest and is booked through a hen party site that also indicates this.

Would IBU to not go? How do you think the hen will take it??

OP posts:
Gersemi · 29/09/2018 18:15

The trouble with going but not drinking is that it's liable to make the weekend extremely dull for OP. There is nothing more boring than a load of drunken people thinking they're hilarious, falling around, throwing up, etc etc.

To be honest, if it were me I'd probably throw a sickie.

Original poster
apothocarrie · 29/09/2018 18:17

I am not planning on not going to any social events that include booze.

I'm not concerned about being surrounded by booze when on a night out for example but this will be more full on as it's a whole weekend.

Maybe I'm being a bit hasty.

OP posts:
TakeAChanseyOnMe · 29/09/2018 18:18

mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/?m=1

This blog is a great read. She’s a well off mother who was drinking far too much and stopped entirely. She’s almost certainly a member of MN given her descriptions! Very well written.

HundredMilesAnHour · 29/09/2018 18:19

I think you have to go really unless you think you will be tempted back into drinking (in which case, keep away and stay home! it isn't worth undoing your hard work). Tackling this sooner rather than later is key. Can you speak to the bride-to-be and tell her that you've stopped drinking for medical reasons, and will she be ok with you coming on the hen weekend and not drinking? Let her make the decision so you will know if she will support you in being TT or if she will be a pain (in which case, don't go).

I kind of understand where you're coming from. I went on a close friend's hen weekend (I wasn't a bridesmaid but was doing a reading during the wedding ceremony) and it was only a few weeks after I'd had major open surgery. I had to be really careful what I ate, I couldn't drink at all and I was exhausted most of the time (certainly not up to bars and clubs). I also ended up in a room on my own (someone else pulled out) and although I appreciated the privacy, I felt very isolated and not part of the hen group really. But I smiled and acted like I was having a great time, paid my money and just counted the minutes until I would be back home. The bride-to-be was happy and I'm sure she never realised what a miserable weekend it was for me. But I did it for her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2018 18:20

You may find that she is a 'drinking buddy' not a friend. The reality of giving up an unhealthy relationship with alcohol is that you may have to give up some other unhealthy relationships at the same time. Sad I know but it happens.

If you're comfortable, could you talk to her about your drinking and the decision to quit? Her reaction will tell you a lot. Also, people that tell their friends and family are sometimes more accountable when they decide to give up drinking.

The DP... is he part of the problem or the solution?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2018 18:21

Sorry your DH not DP.

greendale17 · 29/09/2018 18:21

You are the bridesmaid- you are definitely expected to be at a hen party.

You have 4 months to work on your alcohol issue. You’ll be fine. Maybe see it as your first big test?

specialsubject · 29/09/2018 18:22

if everyone else will be really pissed you will find them extremely boring if you are sober. If it is just a social night with a bit of alcohol that's different - only you know if it is that or a shriek, swill and spew.

if your mate dumps you because you don't go on a swill-in then good riddance and best of British to her fiance because he will need it.

I hope she is a better friend than that.

Unicornandbows · 29/09/2018 18:22

Do you not trust yourself around booze?

If you can go without drinking and being around booze is not a problem but fear peer pressure you could say that you are pregnant?

Celebelly · 29/09/2018 18:22

I stopped drinking three years ago, at first just because I had a truly awful hangover and then, a few months later, realised that I didn't miss drinking at all and actually was enjoying not drinking (and the consequent feeling like crap). I'd say it's very possible that by the time the hen do comes around, not only will you be perfectly able not to drink, you'll actually prefer it.

For example, when I go to social gatherings where people are really drunk, I mostly just inwardly feel so glad that I'm not going to have their hangover in the morning! I don't feel any envy or desire to have a drink. And it hasn't really impacted on my fun - I've been to weddings where I've quite happily danced sober all evening and nights out with friends where I've done same (and then been able to get into my car and drive home!)

I wouldn't write it off now. You could always compromise by going for one day & night or staying separately.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 29/09/2018 18:25

You have 4 months to work on your alcohol issue. You’ll be fine

It really doesn't work like that.

Some people may be fine going to a weekend long, booze-fuelled event like a hen do after 4 months but others may simply not be ready. It's not an exact science.

GreenShadow · 29/09/2018 18:28

I broached the subject with my husband about not going and he said that it would end the friendship

Who would end a friendship over this? Surely not?

I think I'd be inclined to talk to her and suggest you wouldn't fit in and maybe take her out for a nice meal on another occasion.

Hellywelly10 · 29/09/2018 18:30

I think you should give it a miss op. You'll find out if she is a true friend or a drinking partner. A friend of mine was uninvited to a wedding because she missed the hen. When you give up drinking relationships change.

FaithInfinity · 29/09/2018 18:30

Hmm, I can see it both ways. I used to drink a lot and chose to stop for a year. I found it easier than I expected to go out sober, my only gripe was a lack of choice of drinks (only so much fizzy I can manage). Do you have the option of cancelling if you don’t think you’ll manage it? Or could you explain your situation to the bride and book something else like a spa day just the two of you as an alternative to the boozy weekend?

CatulusLady78 · 29/09/2018 18:32

You have 4 months to work on your alcohol issue. You’ll be fine.

Eh? Sorry but I don't think that 'alcohol issue' and 'it's 4 months away you'll be fine.' are compatible ideas.

I think you should explain to your friend. If she thinks that appearances on her hen night is more important than your wellbeing then I'd not be too worried if she's upset, she isn't much of a friend.

bridgetreilly · 29/09/2018 18:35

Presumably if you're a bridesmaid, she's a good friend? I think you have to talk to her and explain the situation. There might be some middle way that you can work out? For instance maybe you go, but you don't stay out the whole night? If you do go, prepare well and ask your husband to check in with you every hour. It's tough, OP. I hope you can find a way to keep sober.

Hoppinggreen · 29/09/2018 18:39

I went on a Hen weekend a few years ago to Dublin and at the time I wasn’t drinking at all. There WAS a medical reason but it was a bit Wooly and not easy to explain
Nobody bothered me at all about it, I think they probably all thought I was pregnant and I still enjoyed myself

DerelictWreck · 29/09/2018 18:44

It sounds like you have bigger problems than this Hen Party.

If you're avoiding all social events that involve alcohol, to the point that you don't want to be around it, then it suggests you have a seriously problematic and dependent relationship with alcohol and should seek help.

Sohardtochooseausername · 29/09/2018 18:44

If I was you I’d make up an excuse not to go eg other commitment but offer to make it up to the bride eg take her out for a manicure/afternoon tea/go shopping for wedding stuff

PawneeParksDept · 29/09/2018 18:47

I think you have to go and turn up or she will be very hurt and all her hens will be whispering

"I can't BELIEVE her BRIDESMAID no showed"

I think you can go and slip off early when everyone's getting to the drunk stage and no one cares anymore

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/09/2018 18:48

I think you should confide in your friend, and give it a miss. If it was just for one night, I'd advise differently, but a whole weekend with boozy revellers, will be a bit much for you.
See if you can make arrangements for a night out/lazy lunch with the bride to be, instead. If she's a true friend, she'll understand,
Well done you, for deciding to stop drinking, not easy when you enjoy a drink.🌸

Sohardtochooseausername · 29/09/2018 18:48

"I can't BELIEVE her BRIDESMAID no showed"

I wouldn’t want to be friends with people who behave like this tbh.

FellSwoop · 29/09/2018 18:50

Oh OP, it's such a tough one!

I was in exactly your position re my relationship with alcohol 6 months ago. Had done dry Jan and then started again. I quit at the start of May, went to AA (not suggesting you need to do that) which I found helpful in the beginning, but realised about a month ago that it wasn't for me anymore. I knew I wanted to stay sober but also knew I could do it on my own with lifestyle changes. 150 days sober today.

I completely empathise with you about your apprehensions about the hen. I went to a family wedding at 5 weeks sober, it was fine but got really dull the more drunk everyone around me became and I couldn't wait to get home! Now though, I happily go on nights out and it doesn't bother me one bit...but I have the luxury of a sober best mate, we dress up, go out, drink tonic water and lime, have a laugh and go home when we are bored (usually before midnight vs the staggering in at 6am of my old life) I don't know if I could handle a weekend booze fest.

Perhaps try a few nights out not drinking in the mean time...see how you get on sober over the Christmas period and decide closer to the time? Or compromise and go for the first night/full day?
What you are doing takes immense bravery. The important thing for you is protecting your sobriety, if that is what you truly want. And to do that effectively, you need to set your boundaries on what is best for YOU - not for anyone else's benefit.
PM me if you want to...I'm happy to give you my number/email if you think you would benefit from a bit of support. xx

HoraceWimpIsThisYourLife · 29/09/2018 18:59

I think it’s too soon to say you wont be going because of alcohol.
I can understand being nervous about being around alcohol when you are giving up, but it’s months away yet.

Don’t say anything and play it by ear. If you feel able to attend at the time then great! If you still feel wobbly then you could always have a stomach bug.

EK36 · 29/09/2018 19:00

Joining AA might be good support for you. I would probably turn down alcohol based events until I'm on an even keel. Otherwise all the girls will be constantly badgering you to drink. As its that sort of mentality. I would take her out for a nice meal before her hen though.