AIBU to think in laws should respect our parenting choices?

[Alwaysneedgin]

My DH's parents are very helpful and can be very supportive in many ways. We allow them more input than we maybe should as a result. They pick our children up from school/ nursery once a week and as a whole they're very good, DDS enjoy seeing them and it's great for us too.

However, we're struggling with dd1's behaviour ATM. She's started being deliberately nasty to her sister, hitting and saying mean things when she's cross. She's cross much of the time and we're spending a lot of time trying to help her to manage her emotions and understand that anger is ok but agression isn't. In the past I've shouted more than I should but for several months we've made a conscious effort not to shout and to be patient.

We try to have a family day on Saturday where the DDS choose what we do. As a consequence of poor behaviour this morning she's not going to take part in the activity we had planned. Her sister will do the activity, DD and I will watch, then we'll go for a walk or something as a family.

Mil feels that she shouldn't have consequences for poor behaviour. I'm starting to wonder whether being allowed to do as she pleases when they have her is feeding in to this bad behaviour and making it worse. She acts like a brat if she doesn't get her way (from putting her socks on to what we do at the weekend) and tantrums like a 2 year old. It's really helpful that they have her, and I prefer it if possible but if they won't support how we handle behaviour I wonder whether it's counterproductive.

AIBU to give her consequences for being rude and unpleasant? Is there a better way to deal with it? Sorry for the essay.

I should add that DD has just turned 7. Dd2 is 4

I don't think you're wrong at all. I think all children needs to learn that their actions have consequences. I will certainly instill that in my little one as she gets older.

If actions don't have consequences from childhood, then you're going to have big problems when she hits the teenage years.

Trust your parenting instincts op. The hitting and tantrums for not getting her own way are unacceptable behaviour. Children need firm boundaries. Parents or gps not setting firm boundaries is scary for a child and makes them feel insecure.

Your DD is going through a normal developmental stage and it sounds like you’re handling it fine. I wouldn’t worry too much about what happens one afternoon a week because you’re consistent the rest of the time. Your other DD will go through the same thing, it’s some sort of hormonal brain development

What does your mil actually say?

Yes to developmental stage- I believe that baby teeth fall out due to hormone surge at around 7- good luck, stand firm, it will pass!

Mil feels that she shouldn't have consequences for poor behaviour.

I doubt that. She's got to age 7 and it's only recently become a problem. So it's the once a week after school visit that's creating this?

Imo mil in giving mixed messages about behaviour. I would think about telling them both that after school club is being considered in her behaviour continues.

The only suggestion I would make is if her behaviour improves she can earn her treat back

If she loses her treat on Monday she has no incentive to be good the rest of the week - she has nothing to lose

I agree that bad behaviour should be dealt with but making her watch her sister have a trear that she wants to do sounds over the top. When the behaviour happens deal with it there and then - dragging things out is just going to breed resentment and unlikly to improve behaviour.

Mil feels that she shouldn't have consequences for poor behaviour. I'm starting to wonder whether being allowed to do as she pleases when they have her is feeding in to this bad behaviour and making it worse.

Does she think there should be literally no consequences for bad behaviour ever or does she just with this particular consequence or just disagree that this particular incident was bad behaviour? Otherwise it seems like a very odd attitude.

I very much doubt your in laws are making DD1 naughty - she's with you most of the time! Behaviour like that usually has some underlying cause (anxiety, jealousy if DD2 is getting attention, tiredness from school etc).

Either way I would listen politely to in laws since they're so helpful and do what you think right as you're the parents.

Think your punishment is harsh to be honest and I’m not a softy by any means. Making her pay for something she did today in a few days time is a bit evil to be honest as is making her watch her sister get the treat while she doesn’t.

You did ask.

I agree pictish

Mil is probably right on this occasion

I agree there should be consequences for bad behaviour, but I’d try to make it something more immediate — mine is only six, but I think he’d struggle to understand properly that bad behaviour on Sunday merits a punishment the next weekend. And as a pp said, if your DD can’t earn back the treat by improved behaviour, then she has nothing to lose by being a little horror all week...

The 2 or 3 hours your ILs have your daughters (out of 7 full days a week) is definitely not leading to your DDs behaviour.

I agree there should be consequences and yes, your MIL shouldn't undermine your parenting but you (or your DH) can only suggest that your MIL does the same when She looks after them. You can't demand how she handles bad behaviour on her watch. You can ask for consistency, but your post come across as trying to lay the blame on her somehow for your DDs behaviour.

You are making her watch ? FFS

At DGP house then it's DGP rules (within reason). I was spoiled at my granny's house and DM is the same now she's a gran. I think expecting a grandparent to act like an actual parent is really mean on both the grandparent and the child.

That said, if she's openly criticising you in front of the DC then that's a different matter.

I'm with your in laws. I think it's cruel to stop her joining in. You should punish when it happens so she has direct consequence at that time and pertaining to that says behaviour.

She might have been an angel at the week end and it just encourages a second bout of moodiness and attitude.children of that age do not have the frontal lobe development to attach a behaviour with a consequence that may happen days later. Also, if you did not make her aware that her actions were going to lead to this then that is going to breed resentment.

I would personally let this one to and deal with it better next time.

Be careful with how you impose punishment because you could cause more trouble than good.

I don't disagree with you that there needs to be consequences for bad behaviour, but I agree with others, that I'm not sure the way you're handling it is going to end with the best outcomes.

Making her watch DD2? Way to stoke the fires of resentment. And increase her anger/frustration. This seems unnecessarily cruel and, as you say, counter-productive.

Pull her out of the activity, but don't make her go and watch her sister.

Plus I do think it's a grandmother's grandparent's prerogative to spoil their grandkids.

I agree with PPs that delayed punishments breed resentment and are ineffective. Deal with her behaviour straight away and then let it go until the next time she misbehaves. Don't drag it out.
It's not her grandparents doings that cause her behaviour. It's normal for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren, and children adapt their behaviour to whoever it is they're spending time with.
So, in short, yabu.

Do you have alternative childcare while your other DD's at the activity. I'd have to take both DC as I wouldn't have anyone to look after the one not taking part. The only alternative would be both missing out, which I'd probably do.

You made your dd1 watch dd2 as a punishment for something she did days earlier. This needed to be addressed immediately. She’s far too little to properly make the connection. You’ve probably actually made the rivalry situation worse so I’d look at what you’re inadvertently doing to exacerbate it.

Your dd is angry and kicking off. I think you need a new approach tbh. Time to introduce a sticker chart for good behaviour. Include easy wins such as tidying shoes and coat after school and one or two more difficult ones. Perhaps start with or “kind hands and feet” rather than no hitting or kicking and when that’s under control change to “being kind to dd2”. Perhaps find another like “sharing nicely” if that’s something she’s ok at to see she’s getting good points. I think you also need time alone with your dd. So I would say the rewards could be more grown up things you / your dh do separately from her sister. She is probably going to fail at the task initially so give a couple of warnings / chances for minor misdemeanours.

Look at how dd2 is contributing to the situation. Does she goad her sister?

There is plenty of information online about these situations. Suggestions include having a small space in the house, where parents only play with one child and not the other and vis versa.

I agree you need to sort this out or there will be all hell to pay. Both in the teen years and beyond. Im now nc with my brother as he was violent to me as a child and threats and violence continued in adulthood. Excused by my mother as my fault and my childhood whitewashed as me having bullied him - an older and far stronger male.

What has MIL actually done? Criticised this one sanction?

Because if so, I wouid rather agree, as I think making DD1 watch is rather nasty extra to what is otherwise a standard sanction of missing a treat, and it could be counterproductive. I wouid stay home with her instead, or at least found somewhere where doesn't have to see.