AIBU to think in laws should respect our parenting choices?

[Alwaysneedgin]

My DH's parents are very helpful and can be very supportive in many ways. We allow them more input than we maybe should as a result. They pick our children up from school/ nursery once a week and as a whole they're very good, DDS enjoy seeing them and it's great for us too.

However, we're struggling with dd1's behaviour ATM. She's started being deliberately nasty to her sister, hitting and saying mean things when she's cross. She's cross much of the time and we're spending a lot of time trying to help her to manage her emotions and understand that anger is ok but agression isn't. In the past I've shouted more than I should but for several months we've made a conscious effort not to shout and to be patient.

We try to have a family day on Saturday where the DDS choose what we do. As a consequence of poor behaviour this morning she's not going to take part in the activity we had planned. Her sister will do the activity, DD and I will watch, then we'll go for a walk or something as a family.

Mil feels that she shouldn't have consequences for poor behaviour. I'm starting to wonder whether being allowed to do as she pleases when they have her is feeding in to this bad behaviour and making it worse. She acts like a brat if she doesn't get her way (from putting her socks on to what we do at the weekend) and tantrums like a 2 year old. It's really helpful that they have her, and I prefer it if possible but if they won't support how we handle behaviour I wonder whether it's counterproductive.

AIBU to give her consequences for being rude and unpleasant? Is there a better way to deal with it? Sorry for the essay.

Hellena I know it's normal for 7 year olds to hang out with their families but also they are developing their own interests and sometimes would rather be with their friends or just doing something at home that is just their own thing (for example making a comic, building lego, sorting out their Shopkins etc). Every weekend having a planned activity must get exhausting and it is also important for parents to do their own thing. Often on a weekend I go to collectables fairs - daughter stays home with hubby or they do something together (usually library), sometimes hubby goes and watches football. Families need both 'family time' and 'doing your own thing time' and at 7 she will be starting to develop this.

In all honesty I was probably just cross with my in laws.

They are very good and I know it's their job to spoil the DDs but I don't like them to be allowed to do what they like without any consequences. I was mostly likely clutching at straws.

ILs can be a bit tricky but we manage along. Our issue wasn't with them disagreeing. It was that they wouldn't listen and respect our decisions as parents to the point my DH got fed up of trying to talk to them and hung up, which is when I posted.

I didn't say I would MAKE her watch. We just all had to go to a different town for the activity so I hadn't decided what we'd do yet. Nope not what happened.

I don't see much vitriol; just disagreement with the punishment as detailed I your OP and disagreement that PIL were in some way to blame.

But can’t you see that in terms of consequence for behaviour “DD and I will watch” - it sounded like, in your op, that was the punishment for her bad behaviour? Because that’s how I read it and clearly others did too.

Obviously just a misunderstanding. I had never intended to "make her watch" at the time I was just thinking that we'll be in the town so hadn't decided what to do. Rather than it being a part of the sanction if that makes sense?

She obviously didn't watch.
We often split them to do activities, DD does activities twice a week with her school friends.

We do worry that DD has too much control over what they do with in laws and she often comes back being more defiant after she's been to them.

I can understand people not being happy about her being 'made to watch'. It was just a case of her having to come along. We found something else to do.

I’ve seen it all now.

My DD is misbehaving must be PILs fault

Op, were you struggling to find something bad to say about your MIL?

And this was all you could come up with

I must have explained it badly. Missing the activity was the consequence

I think it depends. Did you warn your daughter if her behaviour was to continue that she would lose something? Also, I think she needs consequences - but I don't think watching her sister participate in something she has been banned from when she quite clearly already has issues with this sister is the most sensible idea. You are basically set up a situation where she will feel jealous of her sister - watching on the sidelines while not being able to participate! Nuts!! Way to go about furthering the divide!
At the parenting courses I have been to they recommend allowing a child an opportunity to correct their behaviour and take away or reduce the punishment if they do.

Absolutely not, as I say I was feeling upset with my PIL as a result of several recent small things. None of which deserved me blaming them..as I've said I was just upset. As was DH.

It's all sorted now as this was several days ago.

Yes we gave her two warnings and explained that we didn't want her to miss the activity but that if she continued she would have to lose it.

What did you mean by “Her sister will do the activity, DD and I will watch”?

I’m confused. Because that’s a pretty clear statement that you and DD1 would watch DD2.

If the activity was immediately following the poor behaviour then I think you were right and I have done such with my dd (5) and my dsc when they were younger.

Maybe a reward chart would help you all? Track the items you know she is struggling with but also out some easy wins on there for her.

By I agree a 4 year old can be bloody annoying and my own dd gets right up my nose at times with her incessant wittering and whining. Perhaps the issue is she is seeing you chastise her for her reaction but not your younger dd for the root cause. Perhaps you should focus more on what is happen ING immediately before her outbursts rather than on the outburst itself iyswim

I have the opposite problem. My in-laws think I'm too soft with my kids. They're all about discipline and consequences. I think you can raise lovely human beings without being too disciplinarian

I simply hadn't decided what we do yet, but we would all have to go to the town that the climbing was at.

She. Didn't. Watch. Watching was never part of the consequence, it was just a not thought through statement which has been fixated on.

She didn't watch. We went for a walk around the local market and got her a new coat for winter.

I'm not a fan of using loss of family time as a consequence for bad behaviour. Your dd is 7 and sees it as favouritism, which will continue to breed resentment towards her little sister. Through her eyes, you are spending time lavishing your attention on her sister and she is excluded. Apply punishment on an individual basis by all means - no screen time, no sweets for a week or whatever - but together time is precious to children and isn't something they should earn or should be withdrawn iyswim? I also agree with others that she needs a chance to correct her behaviour and earn back whatever privilege you take away.

Developmentally, 7 is a tricky age. They desperately want to please, but are equally desperate to exercise independence and think they should have more freedom than most parents are willing to allow. From experience, they also value/ crave one to one time with each or both of parents, away from siblings. Unfortunately, sometimes some unintended bias creeps in towards the younger child - often purely because they demand more attention due to their comparatively young age. Parents forget that the older child is often not quite capable of managing their emotions and actions either. Bad behaviour when it has previously been ok is usually a sign that something has become a bit skewed and the child cannot express it, so they act out in another way.

I am not saying that children should not have consequences - they thrive on having clear, safe boundaries. But the tactics for managing behaviour have to adapt to the age of the child and at 7, they need a mix of strong boundaries, more freedom to do more of what they want to do, and the opportunity to correct their behaviour, and the reassurance that they are of equal importance to their younger siblings and that you want to spend time with them - as a family and with them individually.

I mean this kindly op, try seeing things through your 7yo dd's eyes. Would the punishment seem appropriate if you had the limited understanding of emotions and relationships and all the accompanying insecurities of a 7yo? Maybe a different approach is needed. Good luck.

What would you suggest as a consequence? We still had the rest of the day as family time, she just lost one activity.

She gets pocket money but isn't bothered if she loses it as she doesn't really want anything. More frequently she loses her kindle for the day. This was just a one off and does seem to have helped.

Well, you know what motivates your dd Always and that's usually the key to managing behaviour. With my almost 8yo ds it's evening screen time and sweet treats. We can apply the consequence immediately and the privilege returns when he proves himself. We also focus on praising what he does well.

If losing the activity has helped, fair enough. I'd just be a bit wary that it might not, on its own, have a lasting impact on helping her to modify her behaviour. And as I said, it's not all about consequences and punishment is it?

I do think your in laws should respect your parenting and shouldn't undermine you (inconsistency in rules does no child any favours). But I also don't think they are to blame for your dd's behaviour and may well have a perspective worth listening to.

Just a thought - did she really want to actually do the climbing? She instead got to go shopping with mummy. Maybe she prefered that as an 'activity' so now she is happy - because she enjoyed her time - so is 'behaving'.