AIBU to think in laws should respect our parenting choices?

[Alwaysneedgin]

My DH's parents are very helpful and can be very supportive in many ways. We allow them more input than we maybe should as a result. They pick our children up from school/ nursery once a week and as a whole they're very good, DDS enjoy seeing them and it's great for us too.

However, we're struggling with dd1's behaviour ATM. She's started being deliberately nasty to her sister, hitting and saying mean things when she's cross. She's cross much of the time and we're spending a lot of time trying to help her to manage her emotions and understand that anger is ok but agression isn't. In the past I've shouted more than I should but for several months we've made a conscious effort not to shout and to be patient.

We try to have a family day on Saturday where the DDS choose what we do. As a consequence of poor behaviour this morning she's not going to take part in the activity we had planned. Her sister will do the activity, DD and I will watch, then we'll go for a walk or something as a family.

Mil feels that she shouldn't have consequences for poor behaviour. I'm starting to wonder whether being allowed to do as she pleases when they have her is feeding in to this bad behaviour and making it worse. She acts like a brat if she doesn't get her way (from putting her socks on to what we do at the weekend) and tantrums like a 2 year old. It's really helpful that they have her, and I prefer it if possible but if they won't support how we handle behaviour I wonder whether it's counterproductive.

AIBU to give her consequences for being rude and unpleasant? Is there a better way to deal with it? Sorry for the essay.

Try reading 1,2,3 Magic by Thomas. Phelan. Has really good strategies for dealing with behaviours.

“The 2 or 3 hours your ILs have your daughters (out of 7 full days a week) is definitely not leading to your DDs behaviour.”

I agree that it comes across like you are trying to lay the blame for your dd’s behaviour at your mil’s door. Whatever is going on, it’s nothing to do with your mil and you’re doing both your mil and yourself a disservice if you continue to think this way.

Making her watch DD2 is cruel in my opinion. And I am one who took treats away for bad behaviour. I only ever had to do it once but I didn’t make the child go and watch everyone else doing the activity.

That just seems like a recipe for a disaster she will hate her sister and it will cause resentment as others have said.

Plus. They’re her granny and granda. They aren’t here parents. My granny spoilt us rotten and let us do stuff with her that my parents wouldn’t have allowed (breakfast in bed with her every morning and watching tv programmes my parents most definitely would not have approved of. She also indulged my love of trashy novels. In fact. I think I got my first Jackie Collins off her bookshelves.)

That’s what she’s supposed to do as a granny. And she’s supposed to be able to tell your child and you if she thinks you got it wrong. My gran always did and I knew I could go to her and she would be fair if I needed to talk to her when I thought I’d been treated unfairly by my parents.

One of my DC is 7........oh my oh my. They are rude, obnoxious, spiteful, angry.....wow!

Your IL’s may or may not help with this, but as others have said (and which I’m experiencing myself) it’s a development stage.

I also agree with PP, you need to punish her after she misbehaves, not a few days later.

You'd make her watch?
Jesus.

You need parenting classes...and quick.

Her behaviour to her sister is presumably because she finds her sister annoying and is jealous and resentful towards her. So why on earth are you instigating a punishment which will further stoke up this jealousy and resentment? I think o this occasion your MIL is right.

So she’s struggling to be nice to her little sister- their relationship is not good, so you’re going to make her watch said little sister do an activity she wants to do, then all go off for a nice walk together.

I honestly don’t know where to start on what a bad idea that is. It’s a recipe for anger, resentment, smugness, triumphalism. You should be working on building their relationship, not destroying it. Of course actions should have consequences- but not by pitting the girls against each other.

Making her watch the activity is a sure fire way of promoting resentment to her sister
Think about the outcome you want and not the punishment

Yeah I think this is a very harsh punishment too. You need to do something at the time, not days later.

Looking at the time this was posted, I think it’s already happened? I think that DD1 has already been made to watch DD2 on Saturday.

Shit.

She didn't watch her. We went for a walk while her sister went on the soft play thing. She couldn't actually climb as she's too young.

Then we went out for a walk and DD got some new things for school. It was just a case of her losing one activity.
Dd1 is going climbing this weekend, we've had no nastiness since. She had got into a cycle of being nasty is hitting, kicking, screaming and saying hurtful things so we were at a bit of a loss to deal with it.

We also sorted things with ILs. This was a few days ago.

She said she'd wanted to watch it, I wasn't making her watch 😂 I said that we should have some time the two of us instead.

I was obviously cross when I wrote the post and it can across as far worse than it was

We were getting ready to go out when she had her flare up so it was immediately after the behaviour. Generally DDS get on really well, just DD1 sometimes takes things out on dd2. It turned out she couldn't have climbed anyway as they were fully booked, we told her that.

A 7 year old is going to have different interests to a 4 year old and is probably bored of hanging around with her little sister. She is probably fed up with having to choose something to 'do' every weekend. Not every weekend needs to be filled by an activity. She would probably rather be with her friends. She is 7. Friendships and a 'social life' should be starting to develop. She doesn't want to hang out with her baby sister.

Eh? At 7 kids do hang out with their family, that's normal isn't it?!

I don't think you can blame your in laws for her behaviour, they have her a teeny proportion of the time. If you are going to aportion blame in that way how do you feel about the amount coming your way as her primary carers?

Have you ever read 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk?" I have just bought myself another copy, along with Siblings Without Rivalry.

Really the best parenting books ever. They have changed my life. I have to buy new copies because other people borrow them and don't give them back.

The age gap is quite large for them to be able to do stuff together.

Also why are they deciding on the activity every weekend? That’s quite a lot for a 7 and 4 year old to have to decide on.

I think it's a bit of a jump to blame your PIL for what's going on. I was expecting a list of misdemeanours!!

I had a 4 and 7, well 4 and 7.5 and it was enough of a gap to be a problem but nit so much if a gap that the 7 was hooky to play at the 4’s level like a 12 would be.

*not

*happy

I think this has been misunderstood 😂 DD lost the climbing. She wasn't made to watch her sister climb a) because dd2 was too small and b) because we went and did something that wasn't a particular treat.

The point was that dd2 didn't lose the treat because of dd1's behaviour. There's some impressive vitriol on this thread.

Dd has been in an amazing mood since the weekend, no nastiness, no hitting, still the odd argument with her sister but that's ok. She's feeling much happier.

But you said

Her sister will do the activity, DD and I will watch

And that isn’t what happened?

That’s what has got to people. You said you would make DD watch.