Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not being paranoid am I ?

90 replies

tina4567 · 28/09/2018 21:32

Recently started talking to a old friend who I was best friends with for over 10 years.
We were like best friends.
Me and her brother developed feelings for each other but he was in a relationship and had a young child so cut contact before it got worse but both said I love you.
My friend and I were friends after this and my friend knew as her brother used to chat to her about me.
Our friendship ended because she thought if I was in her life he would always "carry a torch" so to speak.
Anyway we have been texting (me and her ) daily for two months and it felt like old times.
I sent her a FB request and she said she had a viral infection so wasn't sure when she would next be on to add me.
Yet she was on her phone ,I also have her uncle on Facebook and she was commenting on his posts (so obviously just ignored my request )
Now she was the one who initiated speaking and has text me loads.
Am I being paranoid in thinking she doesn't want him to know we are chatting again? He is on her FB so he would clearly see.

OP posts:
Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 13:24

I didn't do anything wrong.
As soon as we realised how we felt we both cut contact.
We never met in person.
We were friends and as soon as we both realised that we were feeling things we shouldn't ...we cut contact immediately.
There was no affair,no seedy behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 13:25

Ok ...there was no reason for her to "choose " family.
Nothing happened.
Me and him cutting contact should have been enough.
Why did this have to impact our friendship?
Why could our friendship not continue?
Me and him wouldn't bump into each other so what was the issue.

OP posts:
SpoonBlender · 29/09/2018 13:26

Give up on thinking Facebook friending is important or significant. AS other OPs have said, she doesn't want her brother seeing you friend her - it'll pop up in his feed that she has, because that's how FB works.

Keep texting, stay private, see if the friendship will work, get out of the playground "social media is life" mentality.

MsPavlichenko · 29/09/2018 13:26

You need to buy it. It is her choice. You are stalking her FB. And her SIL it seems as you know her FB status.

You appear obsessed to me. God knows what it appears like to folk who actually know you.

bimbobaggins · 29/09/2018 13:26

I didn’t have this much angst when I split up with my partner of 15 years. Friendships shouldn’t be this much hard work.

icelollycraving · 29/09/2018 13:27

Right now I’m seeing why your friend request is pending.
Really, I mean this kindly but move on.

slashlover · 29/09/2018 13:27

Why would it upset her brother tho?
That's what baffles my head.
I am angry still tbh
I think she treated me unfairly and still is.

YOU HAD AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR WITH HER BROTHER. YOU ARE THE OW. You seem to be minimising the relationship you had with him, and are now calling his DP rough

You put her in an extremely awkward position, nearly ruined her DBs relationship and her relationship with DN as you insisted on putting her in the middle. my friend knew as her brother used to chat to her about me.

I'm not saying her DB is not to blame but it's easier to cut you out of her life.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 29/09/2018 13:28

Gonna spell it out for you as you don’t seem to be listening.

She doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want the friendship you want.

End of. You can’t make her.

You are sounding obsessed.

WheelOfMisfortune · 29/09/2018 13:29

Joe Bloggs from 21 years ago did not have an emotional affair with her brother. You did.

As I said above, you need to treat him like he is your ex and accept the fact that you are a tricky person to have around.

If you are still angry and cannot accept that then leave the poor girl alone.

SummerGems · 29/09/2018 13:32

You had an emotional affair with her brother. Whether the partner knows or not, your friend does, and that’s a difficult position to be in because even though nothing physical happened you both declared that you loved each other. He cheated on his partner with you, on an emotional level at least.

It’s not about trust it’s about not wanting to be caught in the middle of someone else’s betrayal of their partner, and chances are you might not be the only one that her brother has cheated with.

Added to that all this obsessing over facebook is incredibly intense. It’s facebook. The one acting like a seventeen year old over this is you not her. Grow up and accept that if you are a participant in a potential affair there will be consequences, and some of those consequences mean that people make their decisions based on who they feel the most loyalty towards.

And counting the number of texts someone has exchanged is creepy and bordering on stalkerish. I imagine that having got back in touch with you now she is probably regretting it because of the intensity of your obsession with her.

IABURQO · 29/09/2018 13:33

What does this mean, do you actually know the brother? Did you meet this friend on social media?

We never met in person.

MortyVicar · 29/09/2018 13:39

OP I think you're getting a bit of a hard time. While you might be angry, I think you're also confused. SHE was the one who initiated picking up the relationship, but it's absolutely on her terms. It would have been easier for you to deal with if you'd never heard from her and the friendship was still in the past.

She might genuinely want to maintain contact with you while at the same time making sure her brother isn't involved - but I think she at least owes it to you to be upfront about it.

I get that you know your feelings for her brother are long gone. I get that she isn't so sure and doesn't want to be the catalyst for starting anything up again. But it doesn't show any trust in either you or her DB for her to decide that if DB knew you were still around you'd immediately fall into each others' arms. And let's not forget it takes two to tango - the DB was in a relationship at the time and you weren't, so he has a greater share of any 'blame' or fear she might have.

This can only be resolved by communicating, and it doesn't sound like she's willing to do that. So your only choice may be to drop the texts and move on.

Rudgie47 · 29/09/2018 13:47

A texting friend who wont see you face to face isn't really a friend. She just a pen pal of some type. Your better off spending time with people who want to see you in real life.I'd move on from the whole thing.Your being offered nothing from this friend.

Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 13:51

I'm not obsessed
But I am massively over thinking the situation because I have no idea where me and her stand on this "friendship"

OP posts:
Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 13:52

I did assume because she was the one who contacted me and had maintained that contact that she was ready to put things in the door past.

OP posts:
Rudgie47 · 29/09/2018 14:05

You haven't got a "friendship" with her, you will be saving yourself a lot of upset if you just block her now. To me she sounds like she playing games with you by texting all the time. Your being strung along basically.

DeaflySilence · 29/09/2018 14:10

"I know people have said move on etc but how do you move on from someone who you love like a sister."

Was about to ask "are your tentative 'new beginnings' with your friend dependant upon her accepting you as a FB friend" in response to your post above ^, but then I saw this v v v

"It's all or nothing for me. I can't just accept being a friend who texts."

and think, well, that's those tentative new beginnings snubbed out. Your decision, your loss.

Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 14:29

All or nothing as in ..doing things friends do,go for lunch,shopping etc
What point is a friend who you just text.

OP posts:
slashlover · 29/09/2018 14:39

Me and her brother developed feelings for each other but he was in a relationship and had a young child so cut contact before it got worse but both said I love you.

Who cut contact or was it mutual?

I know people have said move on etc but how do you move on from someone who you love like a sister.

You weren't thinking of her as a sister when you were telling her brother that you loved him. You put your flirtation with him above your relationship with her.

DeaflySilence · 29/09/2018 14:46

"What point is a friend who you just text."

The point is that it is potentially a tentative new beginning, which may or may not lead to a renewed close friendship.

But it sounds as if you are not willing to be patient, while enjoying the contact you are currently having. So, yes, your decision and (at least potentially) your loss.

Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 15:02

It was mutual.
We went back and forth saying we will go back to being friends etc but that wouldn't work.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 29/09/2018 15:39

You appear to be taking the advice on this thread as much as you did your last thread, ie not at all.

It's not rocket science, neither you nor her brother had any business expressing love for each other knowing he had a partner and a baby and it's hardly surprising your friend is wanting to keep you away from them, regardless of the fact that you no longer have feelings for him.

She has offered you an albeit limited form of friendship and it's unrealistic to think that you will ever get back to being where you were in terms of best friends. It's up to you whether it's enough or not and who knows, maybe it will improve over time.

I don't know whether you are paranoid or not but you are being unreasonable.

Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 15:47

Like I said previous having me on her Facebook or meeting for a coffee does not mean I'm anyway shape or form close to him nor his partner.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 29/09/2018 16:11

Well she obviously doesn't want to add you on FB or meet you for a coffee at the moment and that's her choice. It's unrealistic to think you can go straight back to 'best friend' mode.

You need to decide if a texting relationship is something you can accept right now and hope for more in the future. If you can't then you must let the friendship go.

DeaflySilence · 29/09/2018 16:16

"Like I said previous having me on her Facebook or meeting for a coffee does not mean I'm anyway shape or form close to him nor his partner."

Perhaps, but given that the not-an-affair that you and your friend's brother had, almost certainly adversely affected your friend's Sil, Dnephew(s)/niece(s), and their whole family (or, if it was hidden from them all, put your friend in the position of living a lie with those same people) then it is hardly surprising that your friend cannot just automatically trust you again.

Perhaps, given time and communication (texts, if necessary), the friendship and trust may grow again.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread