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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not being paranoid am I ?

90 replies

tina4567 · 28/09/2018 21:32

Recently started talking to a old friend who I was best friends with for over 10 years.
We were like best friends.
Me and her brother developed feelings for each other but he was in a relationship and had a young child so cut contact before it got worse but both said I love you.
My friend and I were friends after this and my friend knew as her brother used to chat to her about me.
Our friendship ended because she thought if I was in her life he would always "carry a torch" so to speak.
Anyway we have been texting (me and her ) daily for two months and it felt like old times.
I sent her a FB request and she said she had a viral infection so wasn't sure when she would next be on to add me.
Yet she was on her phone ,I also have her uncle on Facebook and she was commenting on his posts (so obviously just ignored my request )
Now she was the one who initiated speaking and has text me loads.
Am I being paranoid in thinking she doesn't want him to know we are chatting again? He is on her FB so he would clearly see.

OP posts:
WheelOfMisfortune · 29/09/2018 13:00

I think you need to have a chat with her OP. Figure out where your friendship is as far as she is concerned.

It definitely sounds like she misses you, but if you are friends again it will always be on her terms, and you have to figure out if you are ok with that.

Either way, you have to accept that she is within her right to draw these boundaries. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 2 years since you saw her brother. You have to respect what they want to do.

Think about what kind of relationship you would be happy having with her and take it from there.

Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 13:01

I know people have said move on etc but how do you move on from someone who you love like a sister.
It's not just a random ex work friend.
Without sounding dramatic but the amount of tears I've shed over the situation you wouldn't believe.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/09/2018 13:01

I think she needs to shit or get off the pot. And you need to make a choice about whether this level of contact is enough or if you'd prefer to call it a day.

I'd text her, tell her that I had really missed her and would like to see her and ask outright if she wanted to get back to where you were before. If not, I think I'd back off and not persue this friendship. She cut you off completely before, it's not fair to invite you back in but only on limited terms - she should trust you and her brother to make your own choices. You are adults and I would resent being 'managed' in this way.

Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 13:02

It's all or nothing for me.
I can't just accept being a friend who texts.

OP posts:
Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 13:02

I'm 33 years old I feel like a naughty 17 year old who can't be trusted not to cross the line.

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 29/09/2018 13:03

Well it looks like you should just accept nothing. Let it go. She’s just not that into you.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/09/2018 13:03

You might lover her like a sister, but when push came to shove, she showed you where her prioties lie. I don't think I would have cut off my best friend because my brother was misbehaving.

WheelOfMisfortune · 29/09/2018 13:08

If it’s all or nothing you have to accept nothing.

On the other hand, if she really is like a sister to you then you surely would be willing to take whatever level of friendship you could get- I know I would. With my close friends and sisters pride doesn’t come into it.

It sounds like you are angry, like you don’t think she has a right to be keeping you at arms length. Is that the case? If so then you definitely have no chance at being friends again.

Even though you and the brother never did anything, the level of feeling involved means you have to treat him like he is your ex. You cannot be angry with your ex for not wanting you around. You cannot be angry with your ex’s sister for being cautious about letting her brother know you are being friendly.

It sucks but I cannot see that anyone is behaving badly here. It’s just a lot of hurt feelings.

So, again- decide the terms you are happy with. If you can’t follow her lead and be friends on her terms, then you have to cut ties compeltely.

elessar · 29/09/2018 13:08

Why don't you just ask her?

If you were that close, surely you can ask her whether she sees your friendship getting back to normal or if she has concerns about her brother and doesn't feel she can have you back fully in her life.

Surely better just to have a conversation than reading into her behaviour and writing off the friendship based on your interpretation of her actions.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 29/09/2018 13:09

Have you told her how you feel OP?

Nothing to lose-might as well be completely honest and tell her how you are feeling. Then you'll know one way or the other...

slashlover · 29/09/2018 13:11

It might not be because of her brother, it could be because of his DP. If she found out about your emotional affair, then of course she's not going to be happy about her SIL? being friendly with you.

Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 13:13

She text me yesterday and we spoke and I said I sent her the request (trying to see how she would react ) and I already had a feeling that she would react this way.
With her if you push she just turns on you ..which is why I've been going slowly.
Before she cut me off she changed her FB settings so I couldn't post on her FB...if I tagged her in anything she wouldn't accept it so it wouldn't post to her timeline and he wouldn't see.
It took me a while to realise but she had been doing it for months.

OP posts:
Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 13:14

His partner 100% didn't find out.
I see her daily and we say hello.
Her family are rough as can be...believe you and me if she knew we had feelings ..hell would of broken loose.
Plus his partner isn't on Facebook

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 29/09/2018 13:18

What a drama. Just let it go. You had an
near affair/ inappropriate relationship with her brother. He has a relationship and child with someone else. It isn't surprising she has backed away.

If you have shed tears over this then you've had an easy life so far imo. By the way saying you loved each other in that context means fuck all other thaan he's a prick. You seem invested still. Life is short. Move on.

WheelOfMisfortune · 29/09/2018 13:19

You mention that she changed her Facebook settings so she could approve your posts, stopping her brother from seeing.

You sound angry about this, like it’s a sign of how unreasonable she was.

To me, it sounds like she was trying to keep everyone happy. Like she was trying to keep you on her Facebook without upsetting her brother. It sounds like she’s doing the best she could.

You still sound angry OP- and you are still obsessing over Facebook for no reason.

pxfirst · 29/09/2018 13:20

you crossed a line that you shouldn't have crossed and you know it. Your friend obviously doesn't trust you and she shouldn't so that's why she wants to keep you at arms length. Accept it. This is the only way you can stay friends and if she is as close yo you as you claim to be then you would accept it this way rather than keep pushing.

Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 13:20

Why would it upset her brother tho?
That's what baffles my head.
I am angry still tbh
I think she treated me unfairly and still is.

OP posts:
Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 13:21

Doesn't trust me ?
Why because I developed feelings for someone.
I never did anything about it.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 29/09/2018 13:21

You need to step away. Sometimes friendships can be very intense.
She clearly has her reasons for keeping your friendship on the down low.
If anyone, friend,family or prospective partner started counting my texts I’d distance myself pdq. She doesn’t want the same friendship as you. You are putting too much pressure on her.

pxfirst · 29/09/2018 13:22

if you love her like a sister than just accept it the way it is. it really honestly sounds like you want something to start up with her brother again though. Do you even accept what you did was wrong?

Sequencedress · 29/09/2018 13:22

Aren’t you better than this OP? When people show you who they are etc etc...
she blocked you on platforms and now wants to keep you at a distance. You don’t want that, so don’t accept it. She’s shown you where her loyalties lie (which is fine and her right to do so) so move in with your life and make new, good, friends who don’t keep you hidden.

Original poster
tina4567 · 29/09/2018 13:22

Sending someone a FB request is too much pressure?
When you've got joe blogs on there who you spoke too 21 years ago.
I don't buy that.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 29/09/2018 13:23

So, you are angry because she chose family? Is it because you saw her as family?
Tbh it’s all disastrously dramatic.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 29/09/2018 13:23

You sound about 12

You think she’s behaved unreasonably. Hell I’d have said having an inappropriate relationship with her married brother was unreasonable but there you go.

You don’t seem able to let this go. Not sure what you want? People to tell you you’re right? The friendship sounds like it will never be the same. And that’s not her fault. It’s yours. You crossed the line. Why aren’t you angry with yourself and her brother?

CarolDanvers · 29/09/2018 13:23

She’s protecting her brothers relationship, seemingly far more than he bothered to if he was telling you he loved you Hmm

Move on.

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