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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my DDad to come home early for birth of grandchild

64 replies

Thefirstofthelasts · 28/09/2018 19:34

Need objective opinions on whether IABU or if I'm just a pregnant hormonal mess

DDad spends half his time abroad in holiday home... Currently abroad now and due to come back 6 days after my new baby is being born (I know the date specifically as it's a Csection)

Current trip was booked before I was pregnant, but have obviously since told him the planned CS date several times and said about him changing his flights to come home in time to meet DGC first

Before he even left for this trip or indeed looked into the cost of swapping he weren't overly enthusiastic about bringing the home date forward.... Since he's out there now and I've reiterated the date to him he's checked how much it will cost and it's in region of £100 to swap flights to come home earlier

His initial text to me was that it would cost too much so he won't be doing it

After I complained to him about putting money before DGC he then back tracked saying it's not about the money, this trip was booked before you were pregnant or he wouldn't have chosen these dates

AIBU to be absolutely furious

Or am I just a hormonal mess?

It is "only" 6 days. I get it. Drop in the ocean.

If this was a once in a lifetime holiday he's been saving his whole life /retirement for I would get it, and wouldn't expect him to come home early. But it's not, he's there almost 50/50

IMO these special life events (probably the last one he will experience as I won't have anymore DC) comes before money

IMO he can afford it. The £100 "saved" by not coming back early would easily be spent in the extra 6 days of his trip

AiBU?

OP posts:
SassitudeandSparkle · 28/09/2018 19:48

Sorry OP, I think you are being a bit over the top too - why does he need to meet DGC 'first' (you mention that in your first post), who is he trying to beat to meet the baby?

Original poster
Thefirstofthelasts · 28/09/2018 19:49

Okay so I'm totally overreacting Blush

I'm glad I asked now as I was getting myself really wound up about it

Even questionimg whether he would do the same for my DBro etc

I think I'm going mad Grin

OP posts:
Topseyt · 28/09/2018 19:49

Sorry, but you are being over sensitive here. No need for the fury.

My PILs were at their holiday home in Majorca when my DD1 was born in 1995. They came back a few days later. Not an issue. DH phoned them with news of the birth and all was fine.

partypolitics1 · 28/09/2018 19:50

YABU, and sound a little precious sorry. 6 days Is nothing, I was in hospital for the first 5 days of DC1's life and only a few family members came in to see us and waited until we got home. I don't really understand the obsession with people needing to see a new baby fresh out of the womb and personally appreciated the time to ourselves.

MrsMozart · 28/09/2018 19:50

Enjoy the six days of bonding time lass.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 28/09/2018 19:50

My Dad was in the States on business when DS1 was born. He got a round of applause in the meeting room when the call came through saying he was a Grandpa and DS1 received lots of cool American baby clothes. I think it's perfectly fine for your Dad to be away.

Aragog · 28/09/2018 19:50

Do you have a partner, or someone, who will be there when the baby arrives and you come home?

Are there other grandparents around?

TBH after a CS you may be in hospital still for a couple of those days, and so visitors may well be restricted. And when home you may be finding moving around a little tough, and not as up to visitors as you might wish you were.

FIL didn't see DD until she was 5 or 6 days old. He was in hospital when she was born, so didn't see her before, with MIL. However, it didn't prevent him bonding nicely with his grandchild and they still have a lovely relationship now she's a teen.

Try and enjoy the first few days, and look forward to your dad seeing his GC whilst she is still very small anyway.

ShesABelter · 28/09/2018 19:51

Yeah yabu. My dh parents were away when I had my first at 36 weeks when we were 19. My dad was away for my second.

It's really not a big deal..it's only 6 days.

Aragog · 28/09/2018 19:51

round of applause in the meeting room when the call came through saying he was a Grandpa

FIL got similar in the ward when MIL called the hospital to let him know he'd become a grandad. :)

LadyHooHa · 28/09/2018 19:52

Oh dear... Yes, I think YABU. Blame the hormones. It will all be fine.

Crunchymum · 28/09/2018 19:54

I'm sure if you'd had the baby 6 days after he was due to go he would have changed his dates? Or if baby had arrived a few months into his extended holiday, he would come home for a visit?

The way the dates have fallen, means it makes sense for him not to change his flight.

oldsockeater · 28/09/2018 19:54

Do you mean your father or the baby's father? If the latter yanbu!

Emelene · 28/09/2018 19:55

Just a note of sympathy to say you might be being a little unreasonable but I would be upset about this too (I'm also a heavily pregnant hormonal mess. :P) I guess it's the fact he could get back but won't? Anyway I'm sure you will enjoy newborn cuddles and he will enjoy seeing his grandchild when he does. Smile

GuntyMcGee · 28/09/2018 19:55

Yeah definitely hormonal and BU here.

Newborns aren't very interesting for anyone other than the parents for more than half an hour I'm afraid.

6 days isn't really that long and what is your dad going to do? Visit every day? All day? Unlikely.

Let the old guy enjoy his time abroad and when he gets back you'll be more mobile too.

Crunchymum · 28/09/2018 19:59

Just to add that no-one (barring MIL and my dad) met our DC3 until she was well over 2 weeks. Not even her siblings Shock she was a winter neonate and infection control meant no young siblings could visit

SaucyJack · 28/09/2018 19:59

YABU. He’s probably timed it very nicely for both of you.

Baby will still be a teeny tiny newborn- but you’ll be at the point of being out of hospital, and not too off your nut on morphine to be able to put your pants on ;-)

Feefeetrixabelle · 28/09/2018 20:00

After a c section you might not want to see anyone. Six days on and you’ll be in a much better place pain wise.

Oobis · 28/09/2018 20:01

Oh OP, you're not going mad. Yes you are hormonal, but you're disappointed your dad isn't going to be there. That's ok, hormonal or not. Does he actually know how much this means to you?
Definitely don't fall out over it though - you don't want your beautiful baby's first cuddles with Grandpa to happen with you glaring at him !!!!
All the best with your section and meeting your beautiful baby. Exciting times xx

HolesinTheSoles · 28/09/2018 20:04

Bless you OP, it's not easy to put yourself out there and stand down when you're wrong. We've all probably had similarly hormonal thoughts its a big and scary time. Flowers

Celebelly · 28/09/2018 20:09

I guess it depends how close you are and what your family dynamic is, but I don't think you are necessarily BU to be upset.

My mum and stepdad usually go on holiday in January and February every year, but I am due in February so they have rescheduled –it wasn't even a question, immediately my mum said they would go away later in the year instead. My stepdad has been around for every one of his grandchildren's births (all four of them), and my mum will be for mine (her first). I would be quite upset if she wasn't, but then so would she. But we are very close and our dynamic isn't the same as others' dynamic.

batshitbetty · 28/09/2018 20:11

Definitely being unreasonable - if he wasn't coming back for months I could understand, but 6 days is nothing

Angelil · 28/09/2018 20:15

YABU. Even if this is not your first child/C-section you have no idea how much time anyway you will want to recover thereafter, or indeed what complications there may be.
It's my first child (due end Oct) and I sure as heck don't want family descending the second I've had him (and I live abroad!). I'm going to want a bit of time and space to myself first while my husband and I spend time with the baby just the 3 of us.

Original poster
Thefirstofthelasts · 28/09/2018 20:16

Cellebelly
**
"My mum and stepdad usually go on holiday in January and February every year, but I am due in February so they have rescheduled –it wasn't even a question, immediately my mum said they would go away later in the year instead. My stepdad has been around for every one of his grandchildren's births (all four of them), and my mum will be for mine (her first). I would be quite upset if she wasn't, but then so would she. But we are very close and our dynamic isn't the same as others' dynamic"

I'd be interested to know how you would feel if, they knew u we're due in Feb, but decided to book the holiday, and not come back early ?

IMO I am close with my DDad

We speak daily

See each other at least once a week when he's home more often than not several times

OP posts:
CurlyWurlyTwirly · 28/09/2018 20:23

You will feel so different when the baby arrives.
All you do is stare at it and think “I made that” ( or was that just me? Grin )

Celebelly · 28/09/2018 20:25

Hmm, it's hard to say. I think if the holiday had already been booked and it was going to be prohibitively expensive to reschedule then I would make peace with it, although I would be a bit disappointed. But I know her and she would reschedule for something like £100 as it's important for her to be here, and it's important to me. If she knew the dates and then booked a holiday then yes, I would be upset.

I think it's difficult because some people seem to have quite awkward relationships with their parents where they describe them 'descending' or having to cope with 'visitors' and that's not the relationship we have. When my mum and stepdad are here, they will be cooking, cleaning, helping in any way they can and letting me, baby and DP spend as much time together as we want. They have no expectations, they are just immensely supportive and practical and will entirely go with what we want.

If my mum was the kind of person who would arrive, expect to hold the baby and be made a cup of tea and waited on and expect me to be dressed or in a mood to chat, and was generally overbearing., then no, I wouldn't be as disappointed if we had to wait!