To ask the evil witch to forgive me and come back into my life?

[Stuck38]

My mother. She disowned me. I have spent 8 years in purgatory and never felt so alone and worthless in my life, and I've felt like that all my life. I never understood how it felt to feel empty inside until this. It goes right to the bone.

I have been in a deep (but functional as have DC) depression and I know it will never lift until I either make my peace with it or have her back in my life. I'm isolated, don't trust anyone, can't look strangers in the eye.

I've tried to make peace with me being better off without her. After all this time I'm still trying. My life is slipping by and I'm too old to waste anymore of it.

She is pure evil though, broke me as a kid, discarded me like trash as an adult and made me truly suicidal. What she did is unforgivable BUT does it matter if I feel better having her disgusting toxicity in my life?

Hi-OP. I didn't want to read and run. Are you seeing any type of counsellor at present? If you could access some counselling perhaps you could talk it through with a professional and make a decision when ready. You sound as though you are in a very dark place right now.

What do you hope to gain by having her back in your life?

You won’t feel better, you will feel worse.

Thanks Armadillo. I have had lots of counselling. Not in a particularly bad place at the mo. Just a realisation that this 'issue' will never end, and the feelings that it has created. I don't feel empty all the time, late at night mostly or when I'm alone in a crowd as I was earlier today. I'm sick of it.

There are people I have forgiven who'll never know it. You can make your peace without inviting her back into your life.

I understand what she is now.

It will take a massive amount of grovelling and humiliation before she'll let me back in though . Can I sink to that level just to get rid of these feelings though

Just because she doesn’t value you doesn’t mean that you’re worthless

AIBU To ask the evil witch to forgive me and come back into my life?

Yes. You are definitely being unreasonable.

Your reaction to her going non contact is worrying and wanting to get back in touch is emotional self flagellation.

Please stop grieving for the relationship you should have had with a loving and normal mother.

...and would you really want that toxicity in your DCs lives? Sounds like you’re rid of her, freer of her toxicity now than if you were to have her back in your life.

It's very hard to face that your parent did not love you as a parent should, as other Mums loved their children. You have to accept that there is something wrong with her and not with you. You have to feel anger at the unfairness and grieve for the loss. Your depression is sadness and you have every right to feel sad. You did not have a normal mother.

I can't see how having an evil witch in your life will help you to accept and deal with any of the above. It will most likely just distract you from dealing with old hurts and pain by inflicting new hurts and pain upon you.

She won't give you what you want and need, it will just cause you more angst and heartache. It's not fair and it's horrible for you but she isn't the answer to your problems. You aren't worthless, she is just a crap mother and always will be.

Find another way to make those feelings go away. It'll be better in the long run.

You won’t feel better having her back in your life; remember how you felt before? You may feel worse...You are grieving the loss of a relationship you never had with your mother; the one you should have had.

You're not going to get rid of these feelings if she is as toxic as you say. You'll just be replacing them with conflicted feelings about apologising and then with reacting to whatever unfolds with her.
It's good that you've had counselling but it sounds as though you're giving too much credence to passing thoughts late at night or when you're alone. Read about coping mechanisms for intrusive thoughts. I think that may be more beneficial than restarting a relationship with someone you call an 'evil witch'.

Depends on what kind of toxicity. I would say, have her back with limited contact. But first u need to b ready to face an emotional rollercoaster and reign above it .

Nope. You want her back like an addict wants heroin back. Don’t do it.

Oh OP I am so sorry. Your mother sounds like a narcissist and if I am right, you are probably co dependant (my story is similar to yours). You need her in your life, because she raised you to constantly seek her approval for crumbs of what appears to be love but really isn't anything other than tolerance. You may not know who you really are without her, as she became all your identity because you had to bury you to become who she wanted you to be. It's a mindfuck. Has your therapist got knowledge about narcissism? Please don't get in touch no matter how much you want to. You are still in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). PM me anytime and keep posting for support.

This might sound callous but I honestly think you would be better off treating your mother as if she had died.

Mourn for her as you would any relative dying.

Then slowly rebuild your life without your mother in it, as you would do following a death.

Make peace with the past and with her actions then move on and live your life.

It will hurt but from what you’ve posted honestly you will never be able to have a functioning relationship with her.

Let her go and find peace.

I suspect you want her in your life because as a victim of abuse (and it sounds like you are exactly that), you are programmed to crave the high tension sensation that comes with living with your abuser. It is similar to sports people or pop stars who no longer get the adrenalin rush from performing or people who have lived in war zones who seek out reisky situations. It has become 'normal' for you to have that high level of stress and without that level of stress stimulation, you feel empty. Can I suggest you seek out a qualified therapist who specialises in PTSD and or post abuse recovery.

Please don't allow her back. I get the lining for a mum but you want something that never existed and never will. Write a letter with all you want to say and look at it a week later. Burn it or send it but don't call her. Not yet never

Don't do it. You'll regret it and it'll hurt you more next time. Go to therapy for yourself & build up your self esteem, then you'll stop pining. What is happening is you're mourning the loss of the relationship that you never had to start with. It still won't be there if you go back.

You need other people in your life, not her. You are obviously lonely.

Move towards the positive and away from the negative - that has been my moto since I cut contact with my terrible family. It works as a mantra. Eventually you will wake up happy and go a whole week without even thinking about her.

Do you have a friend that you can talk to OP?

Do you want her back in your life because you want HER as she is or are you subconsciously hoping you'll get her back as the person you want her to turn into?

My life is slipping by and I'm too old to waste anymore of it.

This, please say this again to yourself. It’s a very strong statement. It’s good, it’s positive.

Contact your mother if you want.

However you’ve outlined your problem very clearly. You are putting your happiness in your mothers hands. Whether she be good or bad, or evil, don’t do this. Your happiness is not your mothers responsibility now and has not been for many years.

How you get out of that may take professional help - but this is your direction, not towards your mother, that will not help either way.

It doesn't sound like she'll add to your life. There are programmes for visiting elderly and vulnerable people, or you can talk to local care homes, hospitals or churches to find people who need visitors. Or pick a lonely neighbour. What I'm getting to, is to ask if there is any way you could join something where you meet some older people and adopt yourself a new mother? Someone who's worthy of being loved, but is alone themselves.