It's not just my mother though. It's my whole family, 30+people. My DCs cousins, kids I babysat for and refused to even accept gifts I sent them for their weddings. Obviously not invited. They won't even speak to my adult DC who has contacted them herself.
I know the depression is reactive and perfectly normal but I still can't let go after 8 years so how will I ever be able to? This is a massive thing in my DCs family history too. It will have long lasting impacts.
The being addicted to stress struck a chord, very good! I am always stressed and I recognise that I create that deliberately, albeit subconsciously, myself.
I am pretty sure I have PTSD but was diagnosed with OCD, the intrusive thoughts were in direct relation to what my mother used to tell me I was a child. I have suffered the traumatic death of a baby at birth too but never had any help for that until I had treatment for the OCD. My very first therapist told me that I should confront my mother which is what started all this. It should have been empowering but it turned out the repercussions were much worse that I ever imagined in her disowning me and telling my siblings to do so too.
My DD has had contact with my mother (and only her, mother has not opened the gateway for her to contact my siblings) which is a massive bone of contention but I understand she is entitled to her own feelings and I don't want to feel guilty.
My siblings all have normal lives and they ditched me without a second thought, which is where the worthlessness comes from, notwithstanding my mother doing it too, if people who've known me all my life can do that then what is the point of making friends who'll potentially do the same too?
I suspect I'm hoping that I go back into the family fold and my mother realises what she did and apologises and all the stars line up and bam, my self esteem starts building but that's not going to happen. She's deeply damaged and narcissistic. I understand why now and I know her well enough not to be mindfucked (that's exactly it) again. She would never see my younger DC without me being present.
Urgghh, no more therapy. I've spent thousands. Waited 3 years for OCD treatment at a specialist centre which massively helped.
The premise was letting go of the brick wall and believing it is strong enough that it won't fall down. To apply that to my self identity as a whole is terrifying. I don't know who I am, what if I am actually a monster like I was taught I was? Easier to keep the status quo and go back to being mummy's little scapegoat? Lots to mull over.
Thanks again everyone.