To ask the evil witch to forgive me and come back into my life?

[Stuck38]

My mother. She disowned me. I have spent 8 years in purgatory and never felt so alone and worthless in my life, and I've felt like that all my life. I never understood how it felt to feel empty inside until this. It goes right to the bone.

I have been in a deep (but functional as have DC) depression and I know it will never lift until I either make my peace with it or have her back in my life. I'm isolated, don't trust anyone, can't look strangers in the eye.

I've tried to make peace with me being better off without her. After all this time I'm still trying. My life is slipping by and I'm too old to waste anymore of it.

She is pure evil though, broke me as a kid, discarded me like trash as an adult and made me truly suicidal. What she did is unforgivable BUT does it matter if I feel better having her disgusting toxicity in my life?

My husband was cut off and then she came back. It was ok for a while but a leopard can’t change it’s spots. She is the stereotypical narcissist. She won’t ever change.

We are a happy family of five and it’s brilliant. He doesn’t regret his decision just built on the positives we have.

I think contacting your mum would be one of the worst things you can do for your mental health and judging by her past actions, you are not going to get the reaction or peace that you dream of. Her and the rest of your estranged family are the cause of your sadness and will not be the cure. You are looking to your mother to give you peace of mind but as soon as you do something wrong you will be in a world of pain as you are so emotionally dependent on her approval which will never come and she will use this to control your emotions and wellbeing and drive you to further depths of misery.

I think you need to find a way of finding peace within yourself and understanding why you feel you need to be in touch with your mother when she has been so unsupportive and toxic. I understand you crave a mothers love (who doesn't) but it doesn't sound like you will get what you want from her and that you will be disappointed.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you need to find a way to break the continually looping of your thoughts so you stop connecting the belief that contact with your family will make you feel better - it might briefly but in the longterm you will feel worse if she rejects you again or only approves of you if you act in a certain way. I don't think conventional therapy will help you, you need to do something which will change the way you think and stop associating their approval with feeling good. I would look into alternative therapies that can break the neurological link and your automatic reaction to certain thoughts and beliefs. Best of luck!

Has your DH actually said that he resents you being ‘damaged goods’?
Having counselling together sounds like a good idea perhaps?

I’m so sorry. It sounds as if you are in a difficult place.

I, too, tried to set things right with my mother and move on. I ended up grovelling and apologising to her shouts and screams. So your story is very familiar. My mother twisted what I was saying to mean I wished she were dead, which brought about an endless punishment. My punishment is emotional abuse. Yours is excommunication. And yes, I was also encouraged to confront her by a professional.

I have tried to set the record straight since but each time it has made it worse. So my advice would be do NOT do it. There is no reasoning with people like this.

I’m really not sure that you are done with therapy at all. I think you haven’t yet had the therapy that you need or else you haven’t allowed the therapist in. I finally found an amazing woman. She stopped my mothers voice playing in my head on loop 24/7. It took me to my 40’s to find her and I’ve seen a lot of people.

Despite what many say we don't absolutely need a mother. Especially when that mother is a damaging witch, like yours. What we need is good people who love us and build us up, no matter who they are.

And that's what you need. Please seek another counselor, it doesn't sound to me as if you've found the right one yet. Just like you'd search for the right doctors if you were physically ill, you need to search for the right counselor who will help you work this through in a way that is right for you.

And if your husband isn't fully supportive, you need a new one of those, too! Or at least get rid of the one you have!

This must be so painful for you, OP. But by the sound of it, you can NEVER get what you need from your mother. It's really hard to come to terms with someone cutting us off, but I'm betting her reasons for doing it were purely selfish.

Have you tried EMDR? You know you're never going to have a good relationship with your mother but it might help with the symptoms you have like the intrusive voices and OCD.

It seems that the sadness about all this, is that you dearly wan't to know your Mother again, and you said, ask for her forgiveness, even though you say she was evil, a very strong word to use is that..

What you have been through with your Mother in the past sounds horrible, but you,like others who have had bad things in the past, need some identity and closure to all things.

It all depends on what your Mothers mind set is now, if she is eternally stubborn and non communicative etc.

I hope that you can get some peace and happiness soon,