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Original poster

Daughter punishment too severe?

89 replies

Debfronut · 28/09/2018 16:36

Please help me with a reality check. My daughter goes to a private school which I do a job and a half to afford. She chose the school and loves it but she does have a long day and gets tired which I accept. However she keeps crying and trying to get time off on a Friday saying she is ill. When I was away two weeks ago she told my mum she was ill and stayed home and today she refused to go claiming she was ill. She is 14 bigger than me and so too big to put in the car in her pyjamas. I have rung the school and they are making her stay in every lunchtime next week to catch up on work. I have removed her phone and computer until Monday (she lives on those all weekend) she is now screaming, kicking doors and saying she wants to see a counsellor. I have said unless she attends school all term I am moving her to the local state school. Am I being to harsh? Her crying is tugging at my heart but we all feel rubbish in the morning I need her to develop some resiliance. But am I going about it the wrong way?

OP posts:
Idontbelieveinthemoon · 28/09/2018 16:37

I don't think you're being too hard, but I do think you need to get to the root of why she's refusing to go if she's been fine until now - has she offered any sort of explanation, and can school offer any advice?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 28/09/2018 16:39

Yes, you are being harsh, have you actually sat her down and spoken to her? Asked her if there is anything upsetting her at school and why she particularly doesn't want to go in on a friday?

Thesmallthings · 28/09/2018 16:39

Why is it only a Friday she's refusing to go in?

Could it be a specific teacher she's trying to avoid.

ladybee28 · 28/09/2018 16:39

She loves it but she's miserable enough to be trying to skip school?

Something's up. I'm assuming you've talked to her gently about it rather than immediately taking all her stuff away and threatening to move her to a different school? What did she say?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 28/09/2018 16:39

I think the fact she's asking to see a counsellor speaks volumes.

MrsStrowman · 28/09/2018 16:40

I don't think you're being too harsh, but what is happening in a Friday that she's trying to avoid? PE? Swimming? Or a lesson she doesn't like our with a teacher she doesn't like? Or all of her peers taking about their extravagant weekend plans? Could be anything but important to get to the bottom of it

DaniC18 · 28/09/2018 16:41

I would be wondering why she isn't wanting to go on a Friday in particular. Is it because she is tired? is it a specific class she dislikes? Or does she want an extra day off over the weekend?
I think if you speak to her and she gives you honest answers I would possibly give her the computer back as a reward for being honest and to encourage her to talk openly. However, I would make her aware that you pay for her school so if her attendance doesn't improve you will be moving her to a public school x

PorkFlute · 28/09/2018 16:41

Does she accept that she hasn’t actually been ill then? Why is she refusing to go? Would she be bothered about moving schools since she doesn’t seem too keen on this one?
You need to have a chat with her. You may well be being harsh if she is avoiding school due to something like bullying.

pigsDOfly · 28/09/2018 16:42

I'm not surprised she's upset with you. Have you actually tired to have a conversation with her about what's going on at school before removing her things and making threats about moving schools?

Has she told you what's going on from her perspective.

She's 14, still a child who perhaps feels she's bitten off more than she can chew with the school. Is she out of her depth? Is she struggling with the work? Does she have friend problems? Do you actually know what's going on with her.

She's your child, speak to her.

Original poster
Debfronut · 28/09/2018 16:43

Hi thanks for reply. She has double PE which she is not fond of on a Friday but I have sat down and asked about issues after the last Friday she had off she said she had none. Her head of year did the same again no obvious issues. She is happy at school usually spends a lot of time with her friends outside of school.

OP posts:
spaceraidersrock · 28/09/2018 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PorkFlute · 28/09/2018 16:44

If she’s that tired simply from the work and I imagine a fair bit of homework then a less pushy school might be a good idea.

HurricaneFloss · 28/09/2018 16:44

Too harsh. Limit phone/computer use don't ban it.

MrBeansXmasTurkey · 28/09/2018 16:47

I would look at if she is genuinely too tired and if so try to look for ways round that. Is she getting enough sleep or staying up late on the computer or phone or even doing too much homework? Is she eating properly. Could she need some vitamin supplement or something. Obviously a busy school day is tiring but a healthy 14 year old should be able to cope. But I know my dd has trouble sleeping sometimes and will stay up late and then she does struggle to get through the week.

TomHardyswife · 28/09/2018 16:47

Just a thought OP

I hated PE with a passion at a particular school when I was around 12. I was overweight, freckly and one of the first girls in my class to go through puberty so I had boobs and pubes too.

The period before PE was French and during French I used to put steps in place to get out of PE and claim I had a sore throat. Mum would receive a phone call from the school asking her to pick me up and take me home as I was unwell. Luckily she was a SAHM.

Years later my Mum was gobsmacked when I revealed the truth.

Like a PP has said too, I think your priority is finding out the root of the problem as opposed to punishing her.

mostdays · 28/09/2018 16:47

So access counselling.

Start with kooth.com/, it won't cost anything.

Original poster
Debfronut · 28/09/2018 16:48

We talk all the time and normally have a good relationship. She told me last term that everyone wanted to go to a counsellor because she came in during maths. I should mention here that is my part time job also. I do believe she is tired and feels crap on Friday as we all do but she seems to think its ok to just quit at everything if she just doesn't want to do it. No bullying that has been ruled out already.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 28/09/2018 16:48

I agree you need to find out what's prompted this Xtreme behaviour, but I don't think you're being harsh at all. Dont give in re the phone and computer - maybe she'd benefit from doing something a bit more proactive over the weekend? You're wasting your money on a private school if she won't attend.

chiccoc · 28/09/2018 16:50

I would try and get to the root of the problem before punishment.

I'd also try positive reinforcement and encouragements rather than punishments.

Original poster
Debfronut · 28/09/2018 16:50

It may be the PE but I could get her out of that if it was. But she told her HoY and me last time it wasn't a problem

OP posts:
PorkFlute · 28/09/2018 16:53

What does she do when she is off? Just rest? My eldest is a little younger but I’ve always had the rule for my kids that if you’re too ill for school then you are in bed - not on phones or anything. If they are actually ill they are happy to rest and be supplied with painkillers and soup and what have you but they wouldn’t choose to spend a day like that otherwise.
And yes to making sure she’s not on screens until all hours and is getting enough sleep.

Lethaldrizzle · 28/09/2018 16:53

The whole situation seems too pressurised - you working so hard to send her to private school, her seeing state school a a punishment. I think you both need to take a step back and find a less tense way if living. This obsession with private education doesn't help.

Original poster
Debfronut · 28/09/2018 16:58

Porkflute I have real problems with her staying up all night on the phone to the point where we have resorted to taking her phone and the hub to bed with us which has annoyed her adult brother. Thinking about it maybe she wants to be online on her day off. The rule is you stay in bed or on sofa to watch tv when off but I work so she probably doesnt do that

OP posts:
Original poster
Debfronut · 28/09/2018 17:00

Lethaldrizzle no obsession with private education. Her circumstances mean it is the best option for her it was not done lightly or on a whim. She gets no homework so her time is her own after school so no pressure

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 28/09/2018 17:01

Why take the hub? Just take the phone!!

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