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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter punishment too severe?

89 replies

Debfronut · 28/09/2018 16:36

Please help me with a reality check. My daughter goes to a private school which I do a job and a half to afford. She chose the school and loves it but she does have a long day and gets tired which I accept. However she keeps crying and trying to get time off on a Friday saying she is ill. When I was away two weeks ago she told my mum she was ill and stayed home and today she refused to go claiming she was ill. She is 14 bigger than me and so too big to put in the car in her pyjamas. I have rung the school and they are making her stay in every lunchtime next week to catch up on work. I have removed her phone and computer until Monday (she lives on those all weekend) she is now screaming, kicking doors and saying she wants to see a counsellor. I have said unless she attends school all term I am moving her to the local state school. Am I being to harsh? Her crying is tugging at my heart but we all feel rubbish in the morning I need her to develop some resiliance. But am I going about it the wrong way?

OP posts:

CashewNut11 · 30/09/2018 10:25

Just a thought, and I may have missed this/missed the point upthread, but what is she actually doing online? Is it just tiredness or is she part of any group that is particularly active on Fridays? Would anyone be encouraging her to connect on Friday afternoons - or - is she being encouraged to chat late into the night on a Thursday?

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 30/09/2018 10:37

My DD is 14 and phone obsessed. She also went through a phase of trying to get a certain day off and found out it was related to swimming. The rule in our house is the phone is given to us when she gets back from school. Homework completed and she gets it back and we remove it at night and leave it charging for her in the morning. My DC go private too and they have a long day but manage to keep up and I don’t allow them missing days because of tiredness. Not sure why your DD is not doing languages as at my DC school they do two or three but now your DD is trying to take a few Fridays off too and having tantrums about it I would be looking to change schools too. Missing school has an affect on your results....I wouldn’t be paying a fortune for education for my DC to refuse to do certain subjects and then trying to pull sickies on a Friday....

Feefeetrixabelle · 30/09/2018 10:43

I would be making her an appointment with a counsellor to talk about tech addiction. She’s obviously struggling and there’s no easy way to deal with a stubborn teen. I would get some professional help. I would also change the WiFi and computer password. So you can lock her out at certain times. If she has a phone on contract I’d be cutting her data time and making sure there’s a cap on her spending

alfagirl73 · 30/09/2018 11:01

What jumps out at me here is that she is asking to see a counsellor... so let her see a counsellor! It's possible that, despite her being able to talk to you about other problems, this might just be one problem she feels she needs to talk to someone else about. Clearly something is occurring on a Friday that is causing her stress, anxiety, worry, upset... it could well be her being over-tired due to spending too much time on tech gadgets at night but if she is asking to see a counsellor, then that would be ringing alarm bells to me and I'd be looking to facilitate a way for her to talk about whatever is troubling her. You say it isn't bullying or a teacher or PE or whatever... but with respect, I was bullied mercilessly at school and often went through absolute hell... but if asked I would say I was okay. I was crying out for help but couldn't say the words. Her reaction to being punished suggests to me extreme frustration that she's struggling with something and no one is getting it. Get her the counselling... she's asking for help - so let her have it. Better to be sure than just assume she's taking the piss.

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 30/09/2018 11:54

Maybe I am being harsh but let me see a counsellor is the stuff that my DD would come out with if we tried to set limits on her in anyway around her phone. We were being abusive by not allowing her free access to her phone and were allowing her to miss out on key things that were going on wth her group and she would be excluded....oh and my DD threatened to report me to Instagram for bullying because a put an old picture up of her too. Personally I would set up a meeting with the school and her and discuss this and agree the way forward. It may be that she needs some help with her phone addiction but I dont think she wants helps her acting out and screaming is because she simply wants her phone....

Ceilingrose · 30/09/2018 11:58

You do need to get to the bottom of it, and involve the school to help you to look further about why.

Meanwhile, removing her tech is a very good idea. If she's unwell she won't mind, and if she isn't , it will teach her a good lesson about boundaries. Kicking stuff would add days in my house.

Ceilingrose · 30/09/2018 12:06

Can I add that I did go through this with DD2. She was worse than your daughter. I intervened with the phone too late, and she got quite a few Ds at GCSE. She says now (she is in a decent post grad job, and still studying post grad qualifications) that the reason she even got Ds was that I started to remove the phone at bedtime, and keep it if she didn't go in the next day. She says I should have done that much earlier.

HelloMorning · 30/09/2018 12:07

I'm curious to know what is going on at school on a Friday. Have a chat with her in a clan and open way, so she feels able to tell you what is upsetting her about school

Dadaist · 01/10/2018 21:13

@ledzepplintoo - yes you are being harsh- or you wouldn't have been bothered by her seeking another opinion - and so ready to ignore red flags in mental health.

Snog · 01/10/2018 21:18

Does she want to change school?
Is this a way to achieve it?

HungryHippoMummy · 01/10/2018 21:28

I work with teenagers and it sounds like classic signs of tech/internet addiction. She's probably actually too tired by Friday from playing it all night! If this is what's going on, you need to get her off the gadgets and - as she says actually! - into counselling. Try popping in on her in the night to see if she's online under the covers. (And after you've done that take the hub to bed with you!)

Walkingdeadfangirl · 01/10/2018 21:53

Will look into tech addiction. She is always on Discord
It definitely sounds like a massive tech problem. Why are you letting her have ANY tech? She is ruining her life. She does not need a phone & she does not need to be on discord.

A simple test, enforce a tech ban for 7 days, if she cant cope then you know what the problem is.
If she needs access to a computer for homework then a password protected computer in the living room is all that is needed. Your WiFi should have a new password and she should not be allowed it.

And personally I would not be going to sleep at night until I was sure she was well and truly asleep. I mean its blatantly obvious, she is sneaking down in the middle of the night to access the internet.

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 01/10/2018 22:36

Dadaist that’s amusing as I have worked in mental health for 30yrs and my OH is a psychiatrist. I am fully aware of the signs of mental health issues and also concerns around and phone addictions which is actually being added to the ICD 10 diagnostic criteria. However I am also a mother and I know the signs of a DD being a twisted little shite too and doing anything she can to get her phone back....

Dadaist · 02/10/2018 05:53

@ledzepplintoo - Working in a field doesn't make you immune from relationship disconnect. If I ever refer to my daughter as a 'twisted little shite' I think it would be obvious where the hostility and lack of connection was.

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 02/10/2018 07:37

Dadaist it’s called humour dear perhaps you should calm down a little.

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 02/10/2018 07:39

OP if you think your DD entire behaviour and avoiding school is related to her phone addiction then seek help ASAP. However do check the Friday issue as someone whose DD started trying to avoid a certain day off it was related to swimming and periods. They get very embarrassed at this age when discussing this and it looks like avoidance. You know your DD better than anyone on MN so I am sure you will be clearer about what you need to do.

MrsMozart · 02/10/2018 07:54

Either she wants to change schools and can't find a way to tell you (due to all the money spent so far - apparently my DD didn't like hers but stayed for that reason), or she is tired (probably due to tech) and is used to getting she wants.

When our DDs were teens the phones were left in the hallway from getting home from school / 6th form 'till dinner and homework done (homework done in diningroom), then allowed back for an hour before bed, but with at least half an hour before bed so brains could come down from the tech.

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 02/10/2018 07:59

Oops sorry Dadaist for calling you dear I had assumed you were a woman...

Beaverhausen · 02/10/2018 08:04

You are not too harsh OP, if you are worried about her sneaking downstairs to use the house comp just remove the power cable.

She has to have a cut off time with her phone and any media at night so that her brain has time to relax. We did it with our daughter and over the past two weeks she prefers to sit and read than watch television or ask for her tablet during the week.

Broken11Girl · 02/10/2018 08:22

Wow ledzeppelin, I suggest you change your job as no-one who can refer to a child as a twisted little shite should be working in mh or have DC
This poor girl sounds distressed. A healthy 14yo shouldn't be that tired.
OP says she turns off the WiFi, takes the router and takes her phone so she's not staying up all night on screens.
There must be something going on, other than this poor kid being deliberately difficult . Either something is happening on Fridays or she's exhausted and has had enough by then. I hated PE as a teen because I was crap at it and was humiliated for being, now know I have dyspraxia.
She could have a health issue, I would take her to the GP to get blood tests for vitamin deficiency, thyroid, autoimmune problem, the lot. These things can cause low mood. Equally, depression can cause tiredness. She's asked to see a counsellor.
I'm not surprised she's not talking if everyone is being so punitive.
Poor girl

Broken11Girl · 02/10/2018 08:24

She can't be using the Internet if OP takes the router, which she has stated she does.

Broken11Girl · 02/10/2018 08:27

You are so harsh OP, btw, I feel so sorry for the girl you clearly don't like her much and are being punitive, she needs some empathy.

ZoeWashburne · 02/10/2018 08:29

Tell her if she is ill she is ill, so that means she has to stay in all weekend and recover. That means no technology, no telly, and only bed rest all day saturday and sunday too. I agree that you should take all the power cables to the computer, TV/ her phone/ and any laptop. Lock them in the boot of your car.

Say that everyone needs a mental health day once in a while, and that is valid. So if she is tired, you can cancel all the Saturday plans and she can just relax all day. However, she needs to have her commitments today done first.

I bet she will be singing a different tune once she knows that if she doesn't go to school, she is essentially grounding herself for the weekend with nothing to keep her occupied.

Dadaist · 02/10/2018 08:38

It’s not funny ledzepplintoo - and others can see the hostility too - and now you are gaslighting - (being too sensitive am I?) - ‘only a joke - calm down’ just wow!

TeddybearBaby · 02/10/2018 09:08

Private schools have counsellors I think. Why can’t she see one? I think it’s great that she’s asking for that x

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