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Original poster

Daughter punishment too severe?

89 replies

Debfronut · 28/09/2018 16:36

Please help me with a reality check. My daughter goes to a private school which I do a job and a half to afford. She chose the school and loves it but she does have a long day and gets tired which I accept. However she keeps crying and trying to get time off on a Friday saying she is ill. When I was away two weeks ago she told my mum she was ill and stayed home and today she refused to go claiming she was ill. She is 14 bigger than me and so too big to put in the car in her pyjamas. I have rung the school and they are making her stay in every lunchtime next week to catch up on work. I have removed her phone and computer until Monday (she lives on those all weekend) she is now screaming, kicking doors and saying she wants to see a counsellor. I have said unless she attends school all term I am moving her to the local state school. Am I being to harsh? Her crying is tugging at my heart but we all feel rubbish in the morning I need her to develop some resiliance. But am I going about it the wrong way?

OP posts:
spaceraidersrock · 28/09/2018 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sarcasticllama · 28/09/2018 17:05

Just because she told you and the teacher that PE isn't the problem... it doesn't mean that it isn't.
She may be having severe self-esteem issues around her developing body, for instance, and be far too embarrassed and/or ashamed of her feelings to be able to open up and tell you. Or there could be bullying in the changing room and she is afraid that it will make things worse for her if she says anything.
School PE can be a torture for some teenage girls.

Oh, and you are choosing to make the sacrifices necessary for her to go to that school - please don't make her feel that she is beholden to you in some way, or that you think she is a disappointment to you.

Original poster
Debfronut · 28/09/2018 17:09

Nannyogg she has her own PC so would sneak down to the computer room when I went to sleep

OP posts:
Dadaist · 28/09/2018 17:16

Well there is obviously something going on in school OP - and I’m really not sure what makes you think you can rule out bullying, or something distressing? If she hasn’t shared it with you it may be something she feels she can’t - but might share with a counsellor. 14 year olds don’t start crying to escape school unless something is happening - and your response is how difficult it would be to force a young person into a car in her pyjamas?...what? And yes you are going about it completely the wrong way to develop resilience.
If you make this all about attendance then I’m sure you’ll win by gross threats to turn her life upside down or make it intolerable - but at what cost?
I think you need to recalibrate things completely.

Original poster
Debfronut · 28/09/2018 17:16

Sarcasticllama Being a fat teenager I am aware of PE issues. And teachers are sensitive she asked not to do languages so she works in the library during those sessions. She has no problem telling me to sort out all her other problems so knows I can remove her. School is small and bullying is stamped on hard. Most of the kids there have problems thats why they go so most are under the senco for something. I wonder if its more that life is too easy and now she has no resiliance when things get tougher

OP posts:
spaceraidersrock · 28/09/2018 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Debfronut · 28/09/2018 17:19

For those of you saying I am to harsh how do you deal with low school attendence? She chose the school she wants to stay there its all her choice. But she wants days off whenever she wants to. Schools want 96 % attendence so what do I do?

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 28/09/2018 17:23

@Debfronut.....I think you've answered your own question. Tech addiction. I'd be willing to bet by day 4 she's pretty bloody shattered having been on the phone under the covers til the wee small hours. You've got to remove the tech from her. We get ours off our 15 and 17 year olds by 9pm - outside the rooms. It's the only way. I know you're cross but start by sorting the techn addiction otherwise all that will happen is you move the same issues from private to state sector with a resentful teen to boot!

IDoLoveToBeBesideTheSeaside · 28/09/2018 17:25

I'm obviously not in your shoes, but whatever you are doing isn't working so you need to try something else. Have you googled 'school refusal'? you might find some pointers.

On the internet front, you should be able to block specific devices rather than have to take the hub to bed!

Tinkobell · 28/09/2018 17:26

Do school have a counsellor? Ours does (private) ...,DS has used it many times. You are paying and they ought to have someone who is a confidential and professional counsellor if they're a school of any size.

Rebecca36 · 28/09/2018 17:27

There is definitely something wrong with Fridays, Debfronut. I suppose it could be PE (a double dose of PE is a bit excessive imo but I hated it anyway), but could be something else.

If the school has a counsellor she could go and see her, maybe her counselling session could be on a Friday and that would kill two birds with one stone.

pigsDOfly · 28/09/2018 17:35

Agree you need to get the phone etc off her at a specific time every evening, a time well before bed time so that her brain has time to wind down before she should be falling asleep.

Explain your reasons to her and talk to her about it. There's been loads of research done on how stopping techie stuff well before bed will help improve sleep and concentration.

If she's on her phone or tablet through half the night then of course she wont want to go to school she's probably just exhausted.

You need to take control but in a way that works with her rather than punishing her. Talk to her. As Churchill said: jaw, jaw, jaw not war, war, war. Make sure you are the one who makes the rules and controls the use of her techie stuff. But do it in a less draconian way and with negotiation.

And stop using the idea of removing her from her school and putting her into a state school as a threat. Millions of children are educated at state schools, they don't all end up on the scrap heap of life.

Twillow · 28/09/2018 17:48

Any parent(which is most of us!) struggling with tech addiction - YOU NEED THIS....
I read about it on here a couple of weeks ago, bought it on Amazon and OMG no more arguments about give me your phone, go to sleep, not at the table etc etc
It's called PANDASAFE and it's a little gizmo you plug into the back of your router, which you then access via an app on your phone. You need to change the password on your own router so the child can't use the same one as you and you have the interent on permanently for yourself (actually I used the old password as the child's one and set a new one for the main router). Then any devices (phone, tablet etc) the child uses are added to the app via Bluetooth. You use the app to set the internet on or off for the child whenever you like, or timetable it for certain hours a day. Its brilliant.

Lethaldrizzle · 28/09/2018 17:48

The school being private has nothing to do with the issue then?

Original poster
Debfronut · 28/09/2018 17:50

My son is at state school its not a threat because of the school it would be the loss of her friends. But yes tech addiction it may well be. I am not tech savvy thats why I take the hub to bed. Will look into tech addiction. She is always on Discord and its always a fight to get her to see her prioritys are sleep and meals. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Debfronut · 28/09/2018 17:51

Twillow that sounds brilliant. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Debfronut · 28/09/2018 17:56

Letjaldrizzle The school being private means a longer school day and travel so I thought that might be the reason she was so tired. Also they bend over backwards to help her like removing her from languages so I wonder if thats why she thinks she can pick and choose when she wants to go. But I am just not sure

OP posts:
MinaPaws · 28/09/2018 18:01

Don't punish her. Talk with her and listen to her. I think you'd both get a lot further if you started by saying sympatheticlaly that you can see she's really struggling right now and it's a deep concern for you.

Ask her what she thinks is making it so hard for her to go in, especially on Fridays. Ask about teachers and students - check she;s not being bullied or mocked. Ask about stress and tiredness.

Tell her that sometimes you can feel really low and bullied by someone but not want tottell others because it sounds embarssing or stupid or not important, but whatever it is, however tiny or silly, if it makes her feel this bad, it IS important.

Make sure she knows you are on her side and that you want to make this feeling go away. Tell her she has a right to feel confident and ready to go to school every day and that you want to support her until she feels that way and look for things she, you and the school can do to help her feel that way.

And definitely let her see a counsellor if she asks for one.

MinaPaws · 28/09/2018 18:03

@Twillow - how does that work if they have contracts? Don't they just use roaming data to be on their phone instead?

IABURQO · 28/09/2018 19:00

Maybe there's a gaming event on Discord on a Thursday night or a Friday, have you asked her that? Failing that, it sounds like something is wrong at school on Fridays, a counsellor shouldn't usually be a bad idea, why not organise that if she wants it?

Twillow · 28/09/2018 20:50

@MinaPaws yes you're right. if they have a contract with loads of data then this won't work unfortunately. Fortunately I am very -mean- poor so 500gb doesn't go far! However most kids will prefer to use wifi so they can use data -at school- out and about so it may restrict heavy use at home.

Twillow · 28/09/2018 20:51

Why can't I get strikethrough to work?!

IDoLoveToBeBesideTheSeaside · 29/09/2018 01:04

Does she play Fortnite? There was an update yesterday which she may have been eager to play.

MarcieBluebell · 29/09/2018 01:30

You are being too harsh imo. All this talk about resilience. She needs to feel safe and secure. She is 14 and your talking about putting her in the car in her pj's. It makes me anxious reading it.

CommanderDaisy · 29/09/2018 01:53

Do you allow her to take devices into her bedroom in the evening?
Using tech at night unsupervised time wise, would likely be causing more tiredness than a long week of travel etc?

We have a policy of no devices in the bedroom at all, and strictly controlled time on the weekend.Extra time must be earned through jobs, completing school work etc. Self-esteem problems are far more likely in teenage girls from internet usage ( Instagram, Snapchat , Discord etc) than from simply going to PE.

I don't think you are being too harsh at all removing her devices and I would continue to do so. Continue either inpluging and removing your router/ or switch passwords so she cannot sneak down to use the main computer. Limit time, no devices in bedroom and at least an hour clear of all tech usage before bed.
The threat change schools is a bad one and may well not be necessary if you address her problems with Discord etc,Disrupting a child during their high school years is an awful thing to do ( speaking from personal experience) whether it be a shift to a state school or a private school.
If she tries claiming illness again, don't excuse her for that reason with the school. Tell them she refuses to go.

Send her to a counsellor by all means if she is requesting one, but tie her internet usage into going to school on Fridays.

I work in social media education, and there are some very negative studies coming out about self-esteem, and mental health world wide for children, all these studies reflect the length of time spent using these applications being the issue. People forget that social media has only really been around for 7-10 years . It's a social experiment with no parameters and no real long term studies. What studies there are have some serious implications especially for teens.

Dm me if you would like some links to relevant studies.