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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know AIBU re Friends baby/wedding

63 replies

wineandcheeese · 28/09/2018 14:07

I’ve name changed for this because I’m fairly sure I’m being really unreasonable 🙁

I’m getting married in April and my closest, oldest friend has just announced her pregnancy. She is due weeks before my wedding. She has pulled out of being my bridesmaid due to dresses/possibility of not being able to make it etc but although I was gutted at first I have accepted it.

My AIBU though is that all the things I was looking forward to doing ahead of my wedding seem to be unimportant to her now 😞

She got married the May just gone and I organised her hen weekend, helped her with wedding planning, just generally was excited with her. Her hen weekend was fab, and (don’t want to get flamed) but we love a drink and we all had a great time. Same with a wedding, drinking champagne and dancing the night away, it was brilliant.

The fact I won’t get the same from her for my wedding, because she either won’t make it or will have a newborn to worry about, breaks my heart a little bit.

She’s not even mentioned organising anything for my hen but she is talking about her own baby shower around the same time as I wanted my hen to be so I’m starting to think I might just have to organise it myself AND compete for the date and she obviously won’t come if it’s a weekend away or partying.

We have other friends of course, but shes been my closest friend since I was in school and I’m just gutted as I can’t inagine any of these events will be the same without her.

I also feel like my wedding has been pushed aside and everything was about her last year for the wedding and now it’s about her again with the baby.

Does anyone have any helpful advice or am I being a complete self centred brat?

OP posts:

LucieMorningstar · 28/09/2018 14:10

Sorry op but your friends baby is for life, your wedding is only one day and as much as it stings, you’re gonna have to suck that up. Sorry.

Original poster

wineandcheeese · 28/09/2018 14:10

Thought as much 🙁

OP posts:

CripsSandwiches · 28/09/2018 14:11

Awww it's totally normal to feel that way. You'd only be unreasonable if you got all bridezilla with your friend about it. That said I do think your friend should still make an effort to be excited about your wedding and help out where she can.

I was one of the first in my circle to get married and then have a baby but I still made sure to get excited about friends' weddings and babies. A few of our other friends who got married early did suddenly not bother with the later weddings (too excited about baby stuff) then the new babies (I'm onto my second pregnancy and have a toddler now). It definitely caused resentment.

waterrat · 28/09/2018 14:12

I say this is the kindest possible way - dear god woman pull yourself together. We can all be disappointed in life by whatever happens to disappoint us - there are no rules!

But - moving forward - it is so important to remember the golden rule of weddings - they are the day of the bride and groom not anyone else! I felt honoured that people took time to even attend on the day! It was for me! I just think there is a modern obsession with involving other people in the day and it leads to unhappiness.

If you want a hen do - then absolutely you should find someone else or organise it yourself - perhaps with her help? You have to be honest and say you hope she will help as you would feel embarrased doing it yourself.

But - this is a lesson in life - nobody - repeat - NOBODY is invested in your wedding other than enjoying the day itself ( I always love friends weddings ..!) - let it go and just plan the day you want.

LucieMorningstar · 28/09/2018 14:13

@wineandcheeese

But that doesn’t mean that you are not allowed to fully enjoy yourself in the prep without her but having a baby is completely life changing so I can kinda see why she’s stepped back.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/09/2018 14:13

It's just one of those things OP. Unless you think she got pregnant just to upstage you?
You don't think that do you?

londonrach · 28/09/2018 14:14

Yabu. My dsis due date was my wedding date. She was vv upset and still wanted to be bridesmaid but told her not possible. It didnt matter as i got my brand new niece to come. Yanbu to be disappointed but she cant stop her life for your wedding. Wedding only is one day and only matters to the couple involved. Its the marriage that matters. Do you have another friend who can step in to help. Enjoy this time!

Original poster

wineandcheeese · 28/09/2018 14:15

Thanks Crisp. I’m definitely not planning on behaving like a bridezilla or saying anything to her but I am privately disappointed that my wedding seems less exciting in my friendship circle now 🙁 you sound like a good friend!

OP posts:

Unicornandbows · 28/09/2018 14:15

I think she should still be involved with planning stuff for you

Original poster

wineandcheeese · 28/09/2018 14:18

Greatduck I definitely don’t think that!!

I just really enjoyed the build up to her wedding and being involved in the events and wanted her involved in all of mine too. But maybe I do just need to get on with it!

OP posts:

Didntwanttochangemyname · 28/09/2018 14:19

If you say anything to her about this, I think you can consider your friendship over.

I understand your disappointment but pregnancy and a baby trumps a wedding day.

Bambamber · 28/09/2018 14:20

In the nicest possible way, you need to get over it. Your wedding day is the most important thing to you right now, and her baby is the most important thing to her right now. You can't have expected to have her hold off TTC until after the wedding.

MaryBoBary · 28/09/2018 14:22

It’s tough OP but you can’t expect anyone to be as excited about your wedding as you. You say she has stepped down from being bridesmaid but you are still waiting for her to plan your hen do? Did you not replace with a different bridesmaid who should be doing that? Ultimately you will have lots of other friends and family there purely to see you get married, and she hasn’t even said she’s not coming! I think you are being a bit of a princess and need to give her a break. You sound as though she shouldn’t have dared get married or have any important life events happen until after your wedding so that she can give it her full attention...

Original poster

wineandcheeese · 28/09/2018 14:23

I’m definitely not going to say anything to her and of course I know her baby is the most important thing - I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to deal with how unreasonably disappointed I am that my closest friend isn’t going to be involved in my wedding 🙁

OP posts:

MaryBoBary · 28/09/2018 14:24

And let’s just remember why you are getting married. It shouldn’t really be so that it is the main topic of discussion in our friendship group, or so you can eat pissed with your mates at a party. You I assume love your husband and want to say your vows - let that be your focus.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 28/09/2018 14:25

Yanbu to feel disappointed, it's your wedding and it's a very special day. Do you have another close friend you can ask to help you organise your hens night? Her having a baby doesn't mean your wedding isn't important, if she isn't interested in helping you don't take it personally, but don't miss out on doing what you want.

MaryBoBary · 28/09/2018 14:25

It is disappointing OP, it really is. But it is also a minor point in what will be one of the best days of your life. And she hasn’t said she’s not coming!!

Fredthefrog · 28/09/2018 14:25

I think she should be excited for you and help plan stuff but definitely do d alternative bridesmaids. I just had my first baby and my best friend is getting married soon. I probably have not been as good a maid of honour ad she was but I've tried hard to make sure I've been there for her. Yes the wedding day is one day but it is hugely symbolic. A lot of people on mumsnet seem to be down on weddings being important in people lives so ignore that. You sound like a lovely friend as you do understand your friend and are happy for her and don't expect her to put you first. You just want a bit of support and interest in this important time which is what a friend should do. You both have important events so you should be supporting in each other as far as you can. Hope that makes sense.

MaryBoBary · 28/09/2018 14:26

@Snitzelvoncrumb with a very low tum I love that book.

brokenharbour · 28/09/2018 14:27

I think it's a bit odd that she's talking about planning her baby shower already, she can't have had the 12 weeks scan yet? And I definitely think your hen do should take priority over a baby shower (because they are ridiculous things...)

I can understand why you're disappointed. I would be too. But it's just life, so try and move on and have an amazing day.

CloudCaptain · 28/09/2018 14:27

Just appoint a new MOH. Get them to plan your hen, etc. Do you really need to have the same weekend hen do as the baby shower I think you can have a chat and compromise here . It's unfortunate timing, but she will still hopefully make the hen do, dress fittings, and possibly the wedding.

ConkerGame · 28/09/2018 14:28

No advice I’m afraid, just wanted to say I’m really sorry, that sucks 😔 YANBU to be disappointed with how the timings have worked out but equally she INBU to be excited about her pregnancy and baby.

It’s annoying she isn’t making more of an effort for yours though. If it’s any consolation the same thing will most likely happen to me. I plan to just focus on other friends.

waterrat · 28/09/2018 14:29

But OP - isn't your wedding just an event for you and your husband to commit to each other and hve a lovely party? Why does she need to be involved? She is your friend for life - life is long and full of many things.

I have a lot of good friends who have got married (I'm 40 now so I've been to a lot of weddings) and I've never been involved in any of them other than turning up and having fun. I have been a bridesmaid once and the bride just asked for a bit of help getting ready on the day.

Honestly (and I've been a bride..) nobody is that interested in another persons wedding plans! She is having a baby it's absolutely life changing.

The one thing I can understand you wanting help with is a hen do - if its a big deal to you then either be honest with her and ask for a bit of help or ask another friend.

you are being massively unreasonable to expect someone to put your wedding at the front of their mind when they will be giving birth and having a new born baby soon.

Try to focus on yourself and your partner and why you are doing this - it's about the day not on months of discussion beforehand.

Poodles1980 · 28/09/2018 14:38

Your wedding is one day. Friends are for life if you are lucky. Don’t let this get between you. You will not come out well because people will think you are a crazy bridezilla. This is a small glitch in your plans and not the end of your friendship

Gemini69 · 28/09/2018 14:39

Pregnant people don't have alot of choice... lol but you can still have all these fun events with your other friends and your pregnant friend I bet will still be there just not drinking etc...

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