I know AIBU re Friends baby/wedding

[wineandcheeese]

I’ve name changed for this because I’m fairly sure I’m being really unreasonable 🙁

I’m getting married in April and my closest, oldest friend has just announced her pregnancy. She is due weeks before my wedding. She has pulled out of being my bridesmaid due to dresses/possibility of not being able to make it etc but although I was gutted at first I have accepted it.

My AIBU though is that all the things I was looking forward to doing ahead of my wedding seem to be unimportant to her now 😞

She got married the May just gone and I organised her hen weekend, helped her with wedding planning, just generally was excited with her. Her hen weekend was fab, and (don’t want to get flamed) but we love a drink and we all had a great time. Same with a wedding, drinking champagne and dancing the night away, it was brilliant.

The fact I won’t get the same from her for my wedding, because she either won’t make it or will have a newborn to worry about, breaks my heart a little bit.

She’s not even mentioned organising anything for my hen but she is talking about her own baby shower around the same time as I wanted my hen to be so I’m starting to think I might just have to organise it myself AND compete for the date and she obviously won’t come if it’s a weekend away or partying.

We have other friends of course, but shes been my closest friend since I was in school and I’m just gutted as I can’t inagine any of these events will be the same without her.

I also feel like my wedding has been pushed aside and everything was about her last year for the wedding and now it’s about her again with the baby.

Does anyone have any helpful advice or am I being a complete self centred brat?

Oh for heaven's sake!

I think the important thing to remember is she probably feels doesn’t feel great in the early days . Also financial planning really kicks in .

In reality a wedding is about a couple. It would be odd to arrange a hen she couldn’t attend and the wedding itself she won’t know till closer to the time if she can attend.

It doesn’t make you wedding not important.

Your wedding is important to you, so give your hen party to someone that will have the time to organise it properly. There is no reason why your wedding will be any less special and eventful just because your friend is having a baby. Let her think about her baby, and you focus on your wedding and plans. Get your other friends and family on board.

I understand how you feel. Your friend is being a bit selfish I think but she’s probably just excited and not realising.

A couple of my friends have a pregnancy/ wedding round the same time. But the pregnant friend has still done the hen etc. and is excited for the wedding. The world doesn’t stop when you’re pregnant. Equally she had a great baby shower too and everyone is happy for each other! There is no jealousy/ competition.

Would you feel comfortable saying something?

I'm in a similar situation, but reversed, plus one toddler. I didn't know her when I got married, else she would have also been my bridesmaid. She asked me to be her bridesmaid, I then found out I was pregnant (due on her wedding day no less!) and have had to bow out of everything. I'm gutted that I can't be there to support her on the most important/happiest day of her life.

She said that she was disappointed that I couldn't be her bridesmaid (not in a passive aggressive way I might add!) and since finding out has been nothing but absolutely fabulous and supportive about everything. She even graciously suggested I miss the hen, as I was about 8 and a half months pregnant.

I have attended wedding dress fittings, been involved with elements of planning and ideas, partly organised the hen, provided lots of moral support, been involved as her friend as much as I can. We are going to her final dress fitting and then a mini 'hen' brunch, just us two, where I'm planning to give her some little traditional wedding gifts I've been saving.

This has been a very difficult pregnancy, but I have tried to do what I can, as I am aware that my baby is mainly to do with me and my family...Just as much as your wedding is mainly to do with you and your soon to be husband.

YANBU to feel disappointed, YWBU to make it a 'thing,' it is what it is. But, she can still be involved, if even from a 'distance' not as bridesmaid, just as you can be involved with her pregnancy and baby. Be honest with her and you will both find a way

I understand, OP. I was the friend that ended up being unable to attend my best friend's wedding because I gave birth the day before! She was my bridesmaid and helped me so much with all the organising, organised a great hen weekend and I have always felt massively guilty for letting her down. I didn't even make it to her hen night as I had high blood pressure, was all swollen up and felt like crap! I honestly think deep down she has never forgiven me for it! We are, however, still friends.
Your friend may not be as involved in your wedding as much as you would have liked, but she will still be your friend! In a few years you might be thinking about children yourself, and then she can give you the benefit of your wisdom! She may well be a bit envious too- I felt hideous when pregnant, and looked back on my boozy pre-children parties wistfully!

I don't know if it is just me, but I didn't have all of my friends running around doing everything and 'being excited', I organised my wedding and assumed they would have better things to do with their lives, and on the day we all had an amazing time. I don't know why you 'need' every one buzzing around you for months and months in advance being 'excited' with you. Just organise things yourself.

I'm still a bit embarrassed to admit that I've never been even 10% as self-absorbed my whole life as I was when pregnant. It really shocked me but at the same time it felt very hard to stop. The most I could manage was trying not to talk about the pregnancy with anyone but my husband unless specifically asked about it and I only did a handful of FB updates about it for my family overseas. But I was in my head 95% of the time thinking about the pregnancy.

So I can understand where your friend is coming from and while it is a bummer you can't have the same experience with her for your wedding that you had with herd you are being unreasonable.

*hers

Instead of a weekend away drinking why don't you have a spa day and meal out locally so you can still have her there. If she's your best friend, spending time with her should be more important than a big hen do.

I can see why you feel that way, so that is NU, however saying anything to her, or letting it effect your relationship would BU.

I had morning sickness 24/7 throughout pregnancy. I as sick roundabout 4 times a day. All my energy went into surviving the day being as little sick as possible, and I wouldn't have had the energy to arrange things for someone else.

What about having a hen night she could participate in - eg a spa day (she could have nails done and pregnancy massage etc) or a theatre trip and dinner etc. Doesn't have to be a massive booze up.

Or you could do that afterwards.

Just because she is pregnant, doesn't mean your wedding is unimportant, just that two friends have 2 exciting things going on.

I'm sorry you feel set aside by your friends, but once she is past the announcing the pregnancy part when everyone is excited for her, no one really cares until the baby is here, then people care about what sex and what name the baby has.

Other people's babies aren't that interesting. Neither are other people's weddings. ;)

You have other friends.

She has something important going on. WAY more important to her than a wedding (even though that's hard to believe from where you are standing)

Just smile, enjoy your wedding and do not waste another second wishing things were different.

Bless you. I am both married and a parent but I do understand. That must feel grossly unfair.

You got excited for her, helped her plan a bunch of stuff for her wedding and not only does she not want / feel able to help out / be a bm but on top of that she’s putting a baby shower before your hen do. It sounds like she lives in a bit of a bubble tbh.

I know pregnancy is an exciting time. And so I do agree not to go all bridezilla on her. Just take a little time to reflect on what you want from friendships and what friends bring to you.

I’d start making plans for your own hen. I think a hen do is far more important than a baby shower tbh. Presents are in this country at least generally given after the birth. Do consider not tailoring the entire thing to her, she may not ever turn up then you will feel even more deflated and insignificant - even if she doesn’t mean to make you feel this way.

Mumsnet: I lost all of my friends from before the baby, they just didn't seem interested in my child.
Also Mumsnet: YABU to think your wedding or any other life event for that matter is remotely as interesting or important as a baby.

(yes, yes, I know it's not a hive mind, but it's not hard to see the correlation here )

YANBU to be disappointed OP, with the following caveats:

1. It was sensible of her to drop out of being a bridesmaid if she doesn't think she'll cope. It doesn't mean she doesn't care and you shouldn't expect her to organise your hen if not a bridesmaid.
2. A fair amount is based on guesswork - she hasn't picked her date, said she won't come to your hen etc.

As for the rest of it - I move my wedding date for my sister's pregnancy, but she organised a fantastic hen do and attended at 36 weeks. Two days after birth she was voluntarily (zero pressure from me - she was complaining I wasn't proactive/bossy enough!) finishing off the wedding flowers she made for me.

No, I don't think every woman should be a superwoman like that, but there are different points on the scale, and it shouldn't have to be a dichotomy of "Baby = THE most important thing EVER" and "Wedding! OMG, who even cares?!".

I can totally understand why you feel like this, I would too. Even though I'd know I was BU.

Is there anyone else you could ask to step in as chief bridesmaid and help you organise?

Well I’m pretty old and didn’t really do the whole hen do / baby shower thing, but I don’t think you are unreasonable to be upset that your closest friend won’t be involved in the wedding lead up.

I think if I was you I would approach her - say you can’t imagine having a hen do without her present and ask, assuming everything in the pregnancy is going to plan, when is the latest she thinks she might be able to come. So you are moving your hen do forward so that she feels comfortable. Then talk about what you can do - maybe not a weekend away, but would she join you for a meal before the rest of you went dancing/is there a spa that you fancy a day at the does expectant mother treatments that sort of thing.

You may not be able to work anything out, but at least you tried. And if you can’t manage to sort something just be enthusiastic about the baby shower and aim to make the wedding easy for her to attend with a new born.

I think it’s ok to feel the way you do as long as you aren’t acting on your feelings. Life doesn’t always go exactly how we planned but you will still have a lovely wedding.

Brokenharbour she had her 12 weeks scan a couple of weeks ago.

Thank you for all the kind posts, and thank you for all the ones confirming I’m BU as well, it’s helped clarify that I just need to pull myself together and remember that it’s mine and DPs day nobody else’s. I’ve had a little private weep and mope and I’m going out with friends tomorrow night so I’m going to (with a slightly red face) ask them if they’d mind helping me with hen planning as F has pulled out.

Also to all the posters who suggested the spa - THANK YOU that’s a brilliant idea that I can’t believe I hasnt considered. Hen do’s in my circle just tend to be dinner/drinks followed by a night out, or a weekend of the same but I could organise a spa day and dinner which Friend could attend and then a night out for the rest.

Thank you all!

Aw it’s a tough one. Could you maybe have a chat and talk about how much she can/wants to be involved in your planning? She might surprise you. Also talk dates so the hen/ baby shower don’t clash. At least if you know how involved she can be you can plan accordingly.

You'll have to suck this up. I'd just appoint another MOH. Wouldn't compromise the type of hen do for her, though. And don't give the shower a second thought. They're naff in the extreme and even more so when the mum to be organises it herself.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, its just 2 friends having 2 different priorities at the same time. Although I think you have a better scenario than I had many years ago. My best friend was my bridesmaid, we had a great time, it was a lot more low key than these days. Then when the rolls were reversed I was very excited to be her bridesmaid. All agreed and arranged etc. I then found out I was pregnant and she phoned me and I was uninvited as bridesmaid as I would be too fat (at 4 months, first baby) and I still had to pay for the shoes they'd already ordered. I felt awful and pushed aside for the whole wedding, wasn't even invited into any of the photos they were all terribly formal with just the wedding party. They are now long since divorced and I don't see her anymore due to other odd things that happened over the years. I still miss her.

wineandcheese you seem like a lovely person despite your original post. It's not AIBU to rant here.
For your friend her baby should be no.1 priority especially in first few months but you also have a right to feel a bit disappointed for your plans. We all have right to feel a bit unreasonable from time to time so long we don't act out our feelings.

Wish you a great wedding!!!

Sorry OP but she's going to be baby /pregnancy obsessed for a while.YANBU to be disappointed but it can't be helped. Have you someone else who can take over helping you etc

Couldn't agree more snowy but in my day most people tended to have children as bridesmaids/page boys as did I.

However, times have changed hugely and there seems to be huge pressure placed upon the bride, in particular, to ensure bridesmaids are fully involved in dress choices and fittings, arranging hen do's and helping the bride get ready on the day.

Personally I would have hated all that fuss and palarvar. I made my own wedding dress - I was a bit of a dab hand with a sewing machine back then - me and a group of friends and relatives just went for a nice meal and then a nightclub afterwards for the hen - I paid my own share - and definitely did not want fussing around on the day which was about me and DH sharing with those close to us.

OP, try and focus on what the day really means. It is the first day of the rest of yours and STBDH's lives. Nothing to do with best friends! I feel sure your friend will be really excited for you closer to the time as I am sure will you with friend's baby. Make time for each other where you can chat about your respective plans and hopefully you will become equally involved in each other's exciting event.