I know AIBU re Friends baby/wedding

[wineandcheeese]

I’ve name changed for this because I’m fairly sure I’m being really unreasonable 🙁

I’m getting married in April and my closest, oldest friend has just announced her pregnancy. She is due weeks before my wedding. She has pulled out of being my bridesmaid due to dresses/possibility of not being able to make it etc but although I was gutted at first I have accepted it.

My AIBU though is that all the things I was looking forward to doing ahead of my wedding seem to be unimportant to her now 😞

She got married the May just gone and I organised her hen weekend, helped her with wedding planning, just generally was excited with her. Her hen weekend was fab, and (don’t want to get flamed) but we love a drink and we all had a great time. Same with a wedding, drinking champagne and dancing the night away, it was brilliant.

The fact I won’t get the same from her for my wedding, because she either won’t make it or will have a newborn to worry about, breaks my heart a little bit.

She’s not even mentioned organising anything for my hen but she is talking about her own baby shower around the same time as I wanted my hen to be so I’m starting to think I might just have to organise it myself AND compete for the date and she obviously won’t come if it’s a weekend away or partying.

We have other friends of course, but shes been my closest friend since I was in school and I’m just gutted as I can’t inagine any of these events will be the same without her.

I also feel like my wedding has been pushed aside and everything was about her last year for the wedding and now it’s about her again with the baby.

Does anyone have any helpful advice or am I being a complete self centred brat?

It's not being U to be disappointed somehow, you will miss the relationship you had with her, a special spa day with her would be lovely, although not all treatments are available for PG women, so shop around and see where you can go to make the day special for everyone :D

You are a good friend

I don't think you are being massively unreasonable to feel that way, you can't help how you feel so you would never be unreasonable. I actually think she should still be putting the effort in to help with a hen do, even if she can't attend or maybe make a day that is suitable for her etc. Baby showers are ridiculous, fine for a bit of a get together but not as important as hen do/wedding of course.

There's not a lot you can say really I don't think. I am not sure why her pregnancy/baby means she can't be involved in some way. Maybe she's not such a good friend after all?

You definitely can't say anything though.

I think you need to remember that your wedding day will always be about you, regardless of whether your friend happens to have a baby around the same time. Your friends don’t have a finite amount of excitement to share out - they can still be excited for your wedding even if they’re excited about your friend’s baby too.

You also need to remember that the other important person in your wedding is the groom, not your bridesmaid.

I think when she pulled out of being a bridesmaid she probably wanted you to say she didn't have to, that you make her dress fit etc etc but you seem to have brushed off the fact that shes not in the bridal party, might a factor as to why she wouldn't be that interested in your wedding now.

Why can’t she make an effort beforehand though?

OP dresses isn't the reason to pull out, but not being able to make it due to the unknown of how the pregnancy, labour and newborn will be is.

At one of my friends' weddings the other bridesmaid was 7 months pregnant at the time of the wedding. It did mean as a result we had to get "proper" bridesmaid dresses to ensure her dress fitted her. There was actually an advantage of her and 3 other women close to the bride being pregnant as this meant we couldn't have a lavish hen do which the bride was grateful for. We ended up having a weekend away at a sea-side resort and due to the pregnancies got to rent a large house rather than being forced to stay in a hotel.

Organise an afternoon tea style hen event that she can participate in as well as a hen night that you really want. Don’t change anything that you want to do, just don’t expect her to be a big part of planning etc. She is still your friends and you still love her.

I don't think you are being unfair to feel disappointed actually! She's not showing the level of excitement that she should be for you and it seems to be all about her and her life. Fair enough pulling out of bridesmaids duties on the day but I hope she makes the effort to come to the wedding if she's not in labour/just had the baby. She should also come to what she can of the hen do, I'm not sure what you are planning to do and fair enough if she doesn't fancy a mad night out but you can still for a nice meal/afternoon tea/weekend in a country cottage when you are pregnant!

Hi Wineandcheese

Just wanted to pop my head in as I was the pregnant bridesmaid well maid of honour actually for my sisters wedding. I still planned the hen do of all hen dos that she wanted and went with the dates that she wanted even though it was quite close to my due date. As it turned out our baby arrived just 9 days before her hen do so I couldn't fully attend but we both acknowledged that may happen and didn't let if affect any planning on either side baby or wedding :) tbh in the last few weeks of being pregnant it was a welcome relief to be able to talk about something else :) maybe it will turn out like this for you, good luck and congratulations xx

I dont think YABU the way you phrase it. You get that shes got something important going on. It doesnt seem like she acknowledges you have something important going on too. Wedding just as significant/ life changing as baby. Its not a competition.

Is your friendship always one sided? Is she queen bee? Seems like shes 'done' weddings now its all about her baby. Bet you when you have dc she will be 'over' that too and it will be more important whatever her dc are up to.

Def get another MOH or pair of BMs. Def plan a hen do when you want to doing what suits you and your other friends. Stop thinking about her because she isn't thinking about you.

For intense friendships to survive into adulthood you need to cut each other some slack. You just cant be as involved in each others lives.

All of these comments: "A baby is for life, weddings are just a party, suck it up or you're a bridezilla" comments are fairly unkind and obnoxious tbh. It's totally possible for friends to support each other AT THE SAME TIME through different life events, for crying out loud. As someone else said, it's not a competition. It's completely reasonable for the OP to expect her friend to be caring and interested in the wedding even though she's pregnant.

That said - OP you might be assuming too much about her interest levels. Unless she expects YOU to organise her baby shower on top of everything else....

I can see if your friendship group did make a big deal about her day, the planning, the hen do, the lead up etc, then it might feel disappointing that when it's your turn, this doesn't happen. It's not that you are expecting people who don't give a shit about wedding planning to be excited about yours, you are asking mutual friends who have shown they are happy to make a big fuss of a bride-to-be to do the same for you.

But if she's the first to have a baby, then it'll be all exciting in a different way for the group.

Ask another of the group to be your MOH, make sure you factor your friend in, but don't get too stressed if she can't make it. The idea of a spa day hen do followed by a night out so she can come to part of it is a nice one. Also look at overnight in a spa, lots of spa hotels do packages, that might help if those of you who want to carry on after dinner can prop up the bar, but your friend can go up to bed if she doesn't fancy it.

I don't know if it is just me, but I didn't have all of my friends running around doing everything and 'being excited', I organised my wedding and assumed they would have better things to do with their lives, and on the day we all had an amazing time. I don't know why you 'need' every one buzzing around you for months and months in advance being 'excited' with you. Just organise things yourself

Same here.

I don't know anyone else who involved all and sundry in their wedding planning either. We all just got on with organising it with our partner, and maybe parents. Everyone else just turned up on the day and lived their normal lives before and after.

The bridal party were in involved in things relating to them (usually just the attire and rehearsal) and offered help on the day. They certainly weren't involved in choosing location/food/vendors etc.