I'm contemplating leaving my husband because of PIL

[Firsttimer1234]

Contemplating leaving my husband because of his parents. There has always been little issues but since my LO was born everything has just blown up. I've posted before about their very unreasonable behaviour and got some really good advice from fellow mumsnetters. Everything has come to a head. We went down on Saturday with LO and they saw him for a couple of hours. On Wednesday MIL text husband with loads of crying emoji saying 'you haven't sent me a picture of LO today'. It was 11.30 and he had been at work?! Bare in mind husband must send 100 photos a week to them. Husband told me and this got my back up. MIL Phoned husband last night, crying, 'oh we haven't seen you all week' . They dont mean him, they mean LO and they think that by saying husband we'll suddenly feel guilty. We were laid in bed and husband said 'I think I might go down and see them'. This caused a row between us and he didn't go. This morning MIL has spoken to husband saying that we are unreasonable because they 'only want to see LO a couple of times a week.' I think this is unreasonable. They see him once a week but apparently that isn't enougj for them. They are controlling and manipulative people. Husband is finally seeing it but doesn't do anything about it. We are always made to feel like bad people and I'm not enjoying having an amazing baby and spending time with him but I'm always anxious and upset. Husband is an amazing man and a fantastic husband but he is weak. He has always let them Control him and I can't carry on like this. I can't have them trying to control my life or my sons. They told everyone I was preganant before I did, they told everyone I'd had LO before my own family had been told. They turned up everyday unannounced for the forst three weeks until I had to tell them to stop. They climbed over a locked gate to get to the patio doors when I pretend not to be in and didn't answer the door, they accused us of drugging lo because he was a sleep and wasn't 'performing' for them, he was 6 weeks old and 7 weeks prem! I don't know how much more I can take. They have ruined the newborn experiance for me and me and my husband just argue about them constantly. I've just sat and cried all afternoon because I know they'll be knocking on the door tonight expecting to come in and see lo. I don't have any friends, I live Miles and Miles away from my parents and I just feel like i have no one to talk to about all this.

Just to add husband works until 5.00 and lo goes to bed at 6.00, PIL also both work full time. so I have no idea when they expect to see LO.

If he won't say anything then it's high time you did.

I remember your previous posts! Personally I would block their number and let dh send pics if he wants to. Get yourself out every day, a walk is surprisingly good for mind clearing !! Stick to your routine when they visit, if dc need fed go upstairs (for the peace!), do bathtime if they are overstaying the visit, make plans to go swimming /groups with the dc. Make sure dh is the host, he can cook /make cuppas etc.

It sounds very difficult and YANBU to feel annoyed and upset by them, but leaving your DH really won't help will it? You say you already have nobody to talk to about it so if you left DH that would be one less!

Your say your husband is finally seeing how controlling and manipulative they are but doesn't do anything about it. But maybe he needs time. They are his parents after all so it must be hard for him to go against them. The fact that he is recognizing what their behaviour is like is a start.

Is there any possibility you could move further away. Get some space between you?

A 100 photos a week? What's wrong with them?

What would your DH do if you told him you were thinking of leaving over their behaviour?

They sound like worse versions of my pil, only want to see the DC, don't really care about seeing me or their own son! I don't know what to suggest as DH finds them as stressful as I do and they're not controlling.

I asked my husband if we could move, we're due to remortgage soon and it seemed a good time to upgrade and move away from them but he said no and he likes the house and the area we're in too much. All husband ever says is that he doesn't want to fall out with them and that he doesn't want to be the bad person.

Is there any chance of you taking a short break away staying with your parents, just you and LO. It might give you time to think, dh could inform PIL after you've left.

He's already being the bad person-the bad person to you, his wife.

What he's saying is he doesn't want to be the bad person to his parents.

So ultimately he is telling you he cares more about them than you. Do with that what you will.

They sound a bit obsessive. Haven't they got anything else in their lives? They need a hobby!

I remember your previous posts about them. They are an absolute nightmare and your husband is useless. Unless he gets in your corner, and I mean FAST, your marriage is in serious trouble. Can you go away for a week or two and stay with your parents? I really think you should. And before you leave, tell your husband The reason why you're going is because you need time to think about the relationship and how you get no support from him.

What a fucking nightmare.

No advice, just sorry.

Maybe remind him when he made his vows they were to you not his dm!!
Tell him your respect for him is dwindling and without it your marriage is in trouble.

Have you expained how its making you feel to your husband? That if it doesnt change you might leave him?

Oh OP I was in the same boat with my DD when she was born a couple of years ago.

They were demanding to see DD more than once a week and guilt tripping DH all the time about it. DH never liked to cause an argument with them so I had to step in. It drove me crazy and made me hate the newborn experience as they made it all about them.

I told MIL that we are both busy people and once a week is all we could do. She threw a fuss but I said it is that or nothing. She gave in and I use Lifecake App to privately share images of DD to all my family so she can't ask for more than what eveyone else is getting.

It does calm down, don't worry. They are just excited, but you both need to set the boundaries with them now or they will continue to do this.

Good luck OP, you and your DH can get through this :) stick together and support each other through setting the boundaries with the PIL x

Yes to the idea of taking a break. Let him realise that he is in danger of losing his family as he can't stand up to his parents and draw healthy boundaries.
I'd also make it clear that if he does promise to change, you'll see his family once a month (but won't comment on how often he sees them) but he's not to tell you anything unless you ask. That unless they promise to stay away and not try to force their way into the house you can't live there as you don't feel safe or supported. And that you won't allow your DC to grow up thinking his parents behaviour is normal. But go away for a week or two to give both of you a chance to think.

Would there be space for you to go and stay at your mum’s for a bit with the baby? You can focus on each other and DH could visit at weekends.
DH needs a sharp shock as to what’s at stake here and just horn unhappy you are.

I'd have kicked off way before now... this is your child too.... and you have a voice.. use it

Agh your inlaws sound horrid.
+1 to what PP said about going away and staying with parents (if its reasonable for you to do so). Some time away might give all parties much needed perspective.

They sound like a nightmare OP. In the short term I'd give yourself some space to enjoy your baby - go away if possible or make the most of the autumn days and take yourself with the buggy and away from worrying that they will turn up.

Long term - I think you might need to give your husband a little time to process it and get used to the idea. My MIL became obsessed with my DC too, and was really nasty to me. Even once my husband accepted she was being unpleasant he didn't notice the nasty things she was doing right in front of him (saying our home looks like an asylum, buying me XXL size clothing - I'm a size 10..).

Play the long game. I got therapy for myself so I could pretty confidently say to my husband the problem wasn't me or my coping. You know your marriage better than us, but I'm really pleased that I stayed (I too considered leaving as it was so stressful). I kept up the visits, tried really hard not to argue with DH about them and eventually MIL showed her true colours in such an extreme way DH hasn't spoken to her since. Think really hard about what you want. I'd say give your DH atleast another few months to come around.

What a nightmare OP. I agree with PPs-could you and baby go and stay with your parents for a break? Might make your husband see how much all of this is affecting you. I only thought my MIL was overbearing they sound unhinged.

I think for starters you should go away for a week or two, see your parents - escape this whole business temporarily. Re energise. It's hard enough with a LO, with PIL like those you really won't have much left.
Your husband needs to step up and take your side for once. You are his wife and it's his kid. Would he rather live alone with his unhappy (if you and LO are not around) parents or sort this out?

Go and stay with your parents for a while.

I could have written this and have also contemplated what you have. Things are beginning to settle a little for us but I’d be very anxious if we had another. I can’t understand it, personally. They are pushing you away without realising it. Fortunately, my husband is very supportive and really struggles himself. I feel for you x Things won’t ever change how you need them to. Perhaps it’s time to be really honest with your husband about your feelings. It might help him understand how you’re feeling and how best to support you in managing this situation.