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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm contemplating leaving my husband because of PIL

76 replies

Firsttimer1234 · 28/09/2018 13:46

Contemplating leaving my husband because of his parents. There has always been little issues but since my LO was born everything has just blown up. I've posted before about their very unreasonable behaviour and got some really good advice from fellow mumsnetters. Everything has come to a head. We went down on Saturday with LO and they saw him for a couple of hours. On Wednesday MIL text husband with loads of crying emoji saying 'you haven't sent me a picture of LO today'. It was 11.30 and he had been at work?! Bare in mind husband must send 100 photos a week to them. Husband told me and this got my back up. MIL Phoned husband last night, crying, 'oh we haven't seen you all week' . They dont mean him, they mean LO and they think that by saying husband we'll suddenly feel guilty. We were laid in bed and husband said 'I think I might go down and see them'. This caused a row between us and he didn't go. This morning MIL has spoken to husband saying that we are unreasonable because they 'only want to see LO a couple of times a week.' I think this is unreasonable. They see him once a week but apparently that isn't enougj for them. They are controlling and manipulative people. Husband is finally seeing it but doesn't do anything about it. We are always made to feel like bad people and I'm not enjoying having an amazing baby and spending time with him but I'm always anxious and upset. Husband is an amazing man and a fantastic husband but he is weak. He has always let them Control him and I can't carry on like this. I can't have them trying to control my life or my sons. They told everyone I was preganant before I did, they told everyone I'd had LO before my own family had been told. They turned up everyday unannounced for the forst three weeks until I had to tell them to stop. They climbed over a locked gate to get to the patio doors when I pretend not to be in and didn't answer the door, they accused us of drugging lo because he was a sleep and wasn't 'performing' for them, he was 6 weeks old and 7 weeks prem! I don't know how much more I can take. They have ruined the newborn experiance for me and me and my husband just argue about them constantly. I've just sat and cried all afternoon because I know they'll be knocking on the door tonight expecting to come in and see lo. I don't have any friends, I live Miles and Miles away from my parents and I just feel like i have no one to talk to about all this.

OP posts:
ilooovechristmas · 28/09/2018 16:53

We had to tell My MIL last Christmas because enough was enough, we no longer speak to her because she has fallen out with us for the 3rd time in 3 years and I won't be forgiving her this time!

Soontobe60 · 28/09/2018 17:01

Sorry, but I think wanting to see a grandchild a couple of times a week is perfectly normal. I think not wanting them to see them to be rather mean!
Also, who takes 100 photos of their baby every week?? Maybe they climbed over a locked gate because they knew you were in and were worried you'd had an accident?
Another thing, if you didn't want them to tell anyone about the baby, you shouldn't have told them yourself. As soon as I found out about my new grandson, I told everyone! You could quite easily have told your own family first if that's what you wanted.
You sound like you just want them out of the way. Your DH won't thank you for coming between him and his parents.

multiplemum3 · 28/09/2018 17:06

^

How is someone trying to justify being that over bearing? Is it because you act that way as well?

7yo7yo · 28/09/2018 17:11

And soontobe is exactly the type of mil written about in these threads.
Piss all over peoples boundaries because all that matters is her and her needs.

sarcasticllama · 28/09/2018 17:14

Your DH says he doesn't want to be the bad person and fall out with them. The trouble is, he doesn't seem to mind being the bad person and falling out with you because of them.

You are his wife. You are his family, and he should be putting you and the dc above everyone else, including his parents.

Perhaps it is time to lay it on the line and say he has to either stand up for you and assert himself , or you will have to start thinking about whether you want to be with him any more.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/09/2018 17:15

If his mother was so depressed that she was sitting sobbing because of something his father and his mother had done, or the way they treated her, would he feel that was okay? I'll bet he wouldn't!

They have no right to treat you like this, and he should be taking your side - not theirs.

You need a break. You say you are a long way from your parents - is it too far to go and stay with them for a couple of weeks? It would help you (you must be exhausted) and you would get a better perspective on things. That would help you to decide what action you want to take.

C8H10N4O2 · 28/09/2018 17:15

As soon as I found out about my new grandson, I told everyone!

But did you check first to see if they minded? If they wanted you to wait a while so that key people could get the news from them?

You could quite easily have told your own family first if that's what you wanted

IME the first calls are made by the father whilst the mother is in recovery. OP may not have had a say or they may have assumed that parents would be considerate enough to check first.

Your DH won't thank you for coming between him and his parents

He may end up choosing between them if a better relationship can't be established. Demanding 100 pictures a week is not normal behaviour.

Taylor22 · 28/09/2018 17:20

Your DH won't thank you for coming between him and his parents

I told my DH his mother was pushing us to divorce. She then pushed even harder.

She's now not had a word from him or seen any of us or the children in over a year. She still messages him guilt messages but he ignores. Shes apparently devastated to lose her family.

We have yet to give a fuck.

Our marriage and family life however is pretty damn awesome.

Jux · 28/09/2018 17:40

Your dh "doesn't want to be the bad person"? From which pov? He wants to be a good boy for his parents, or he wants to be a good husband and father for you and lo?

He needs to make that decision, and make it now. Then you'll know what to do. Tell him.

Nanny0gg · 28/09/2018 18:17

Soontobe60

Are you the MiL?

I only told people about my children's pregnancies once I had permission and they had passed the 12 week stage. I certainly let them spread the news first!

You don't seem to respect many boundaries yourself

Original poster
Firsttimer1234 · 28/09/2018 20:30

Well thank you for your lovely and insightful comments @soontobe60. Aren't you just a delight?! Sorry no I didn't get chance to tell people first because I had just given birth 7 weeks early in 45mins, he was very nearly born in the hospital carpark. I was way too busy checking my son was alive to be concerned at that point who knew and who didn't.
Please don't comment with your utter garbage on my thread. I don't have to justify my actions to you. people like you make it difficult for first time mums, justifying inappropriate behave and if you did tell everyone about your own grandchild without the parents knowing them shame on you. The thread sounds like it's directed at you too. I hope your daughter In law wasn't sat crying herself to sleep because of the stress you forced on her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Firsttimer1234 · 28/09/2018 20:34

Thank you everyone else for your advice and kind words. I've spoken to my parents and they've said I am more than welcome to go and stay with them with the LO. Husband is away tonight, I've text him and told him that I'm going to go tomorrow to my parents. He's asked if I'll stay untill he gets home and we can talk. I'll keep you updated with how it goes. I think he's finally realised how serious this is.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/09/2018 20:39

Good luck with your talk. But my advice would be to pack your and your LO's bags and put them where he can see them (preferably by the door) before you start talking. Wink

Graphista · 28/09/2018 20:53

Good luck with dh

MortyVicar · 28/09/2018 21:13

He's asked if I'll stay untill he gets home and we can talk

I'd say the answer to that is no. There is absolutely no guarantee that he's coming home to admit the error of his ways. He may just want to yell at you and call you a bitch. He may want to be the one to tell you it's over so that he's the one in control.

He hasn't done what you've asked him to do soooo many times in this relationship. And now you don't have to jump to do what he wants, when he wants. Take the control for yourself, tell him you're going to go to your parents as planned and that you'll talk when you get back, IF he has anything meaningful to say.

Jux · 29/09/2018 12:29

I'd say that he is welcome to come and talk at your parents. Just go. It's not necessarily forever. Go and stay with your parents for a couple of weeks because you need a break and need it now. Did you say they were 40 mins away? That's not too far for him to come and see you; have him do that.

Just send him a text saying that you need a break now so are going now, you're sorry you won't be home when he gets back but he'd be welcome at your parents' place if he wants to come there.

Areyoufree · 29/09/2018 12:41

I can't get past the fact that they visited every day, for three weeks, when you had a 7 week prem newborn. That must have been horrendous!

confusedmomm · 29/09/2018 12:47

Your parents are only 40m away. That's nothing. I'd just go and he can come talk there, we're not talking hours here

AskMeHow · 29/09/2018 12:56

Agree with everyone else that you should go to your parents as planned. He's had weeks to pull his head out of his arse and there's no guarantee he'll say what you want to hear. He can talk to you at your parents. Maybe the seriousness of this situation will sink in on his drive there.

Belindabauer · 29/09/2018 13:14

Op on a practical note you can buy plastic spikes which you then fix to the top of fences and gates.
They are legal and would help stop them climbing over gates.

RandomMess · 29/09/2018 13:14
Thanks
StompyDino · 29/09/2018 13:22

My MIL wasn’t as bad as that but I only managed to improve things with DH’s help - he put his foot down to take her visits from five times to twice a week. You need your husband on board otherwise things will be difficult.

When you make it clear to him how you feel I hope that he realises what is at stake - don’t be afraid to tell him about your thoughts of leaving or spending more time at your parents to help him see how bad it is.

Good luck and you have my full sympathy - it’s a horrible position to be in when you want to be happy with your newborn.

FishesThatFly · 29/09/2018 13:31

Best of luck OP. Things need to change and I'm really hoping yr DH has recognised that

Loyaultemelie · 29/09/2018 13:43

I hope this is the serious reaction that makes your dh change things

ilooovechristmas · 30/09/2018 14:30

Op how did it all go? Hope you can be a happy family in the end, PIL are a pain in the ass and that's being polite

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