I'm contemplating leaving my husband because of PIL

[Firsttimer1234]

Contemplating leaving my husband because of his parents. There has always been little issues but since my LO was born everything has just blown up. I've posted before about their very unreasonable behaviour and got some really good advice from fellow mumsnetters. Everything has come to a head. We went down on Saturday with LO and they saw him for a couple of hours. On Wednesday MIL text husband with loads of crying emoji saying 'you haven't sent me a picture of LO today'. It was 11.30 and he had been at work?! Bare in mind husband must send 100 photos a week to them. Husband told me and this got my back up. MIL Phoned husband last night, crying, 'oh we haven't seen you all week' . They dont mean him, they mean LO and they think that by saying husband we'll suddenly feel guilty. We were laid in bed and husband said 'I think I might go down and see them'. This caused a row between us and he didn't go. This morning MIL has spoken to husband saying that we are unreasonable because they 'only want to see LO a couple of times a week.' I think this is unreasonable. They see him once a week but apparently that isn't enougj for them. They are controlling and manipulative people. Husband is finally seeing it but doesn't do anything about it. We are always made to feel like bad people and I'm not enjoying having an amazing baby and spending time with him but I'm always anxious and upset. Husband is an amazing man and a fantastic husband but he is weak. He has always let them Control him and I can't carry on like this. I can't have them trying to control my life or my sons. They told everyone I was preganant before I did, they told everyone I'd had LO before my own family had been told. They turned up everyday unannounced for the forst three weeks until I had to tell them to stop. They climbed over a locked gate to get to the patio doors when I pretend not to be in and didn't answer the door, they accused us of drugging lo because he was a sleep and wasn't 'performing' for them, he was 6 weeks old and 7 weeks prem! I don't know how much more I can take. They have ruined the newborn experiance for me and me and my husband just argue about them constantly. I've just sat and cried all afternoon because I know they'll be knocking on the door tonight expecting to come in and see lo. I don't have any friends, I live Miles and Miles away from my parents and I just feel like i have no one to talk to about all this.

You are me 10 years ago, every word you are saying is exactly my parents in law and my husband. Its the only thing we argue over.
We now have 2 kids and all is mostly happy . My coping mechanism is to do things on your terms, as essentially it's the controlling that gets to you. When mine were babies i would invite them to a group i attended so 'neutral' ground, if they couldnt make it tough, there's where me and baby were going to be. Come and help at bath time it's at 6, can't make it again, tough! That way husband could see I was trying and that the offers were there but not accepted. Say no to their terms if it doesn't suit and they tried to take over just say no, this is offer take it or leave it, whilst smiling sweetly.
We have very much cut down on visits, my Kids are no longer babies and school and activities mean I've said no enough that they dont bother. If husband wants to pop round I say oh that's great as I wanted to wash my hair/clean the bathroom/do the food shop, so I'll do that you go to your mum's. Again with a smile and a that's that approach it works without you being a baddy.
It gets easier I promise, just keep it your terms and it makes it more tolerable.

Oh I had one of these.

He was quite good at keeping MIL at bay (physical distance also helped) but now we are divorced (yay! no more MIL!) he's reimagined the whole thing. It turns out he DID want to see MIL all the time it's just that I was controlling apparently....

So even if you do, as PPs suggest, 'make him see' I'd be wary that really you're just getting your own way with a man who doesn't want to fall out with you (rather than one who actually agrees)

Yes OP, go and stay with your parents, give yourself a break, you need, and deserve one. Your husband, whether he likes it or not, needs to man up, so get yourself off, and show him you mean business.
Hopefully, by the time you get back, he'll be ready to talk, and to consider your point of view.
Moving house sounds like a great idea, I hope you both find a compromise. You're a saint for putting up with it for so long.😇🌺

It's so strange how parents can be different. My parents life about 40 mins away so not a million miles. They come once a fortnight, spend a couple of hours, never outstay their welcome. When they come they actually have conversations with me and husband and not just take over with baby.

I'm pretty sure I remember your thread, the hopping the fence part rings a bell.

I really think you need to go stay somewhere for a few weeks, if only for your own emotional health. It was either your thread (or another similar) where the new mum was advised to go stay with her mother. If that's possible, do it. Or see if there is a friend or relative who will let you stay for a couple of weeks.

At this point you've talked to your DH until you're blue in the face. It's time to think of yourself and go where you can have some quiet peace.

xpost w/you OP. Go stay with your folks, even if it'll be a bit crowded. You'll get more peace sleeping on their sofa than you are now in your own home.

They turned up everyday unannounced for the forst three weeks until I had to tell them to stop. They climbed over a locked gate to get to the patio doors when I pretend not to be in and didn't answer the door, they accused us of drugging lo because he was a sleep and wasn't 'performing' for them

They're twats and your DH is enabling and endorsing their behaviour. You've tried to talk to him and he won't listen or do anything. I haven't got any advice but I don't blame you for contemplating leaving him.

I understand your husband perfectly because i used to find displeasing my parents so unbearable. Their disapproval made me incredibly anxious. The anxiety was incredibly debilitating and crazy making. But a while ago I had to take a stand when they interfered on something that was my business and my decision. They kept laughing at my decision to try and make me change my mind. I got really angry with them and didn't contact them for months. The anxiety is unbearable to begin with but it does dissipate I promise your husband that it does. You have to ''sit with the anxiety'', sit in the discomfort. I think if you google sitting in the discomfort some helpful clips on youtube come up. Basically at the moment he needs their approval to feel normal and stable and as soon as he goes against them he'll fee an anxiety that is only diminished by buckling under and doing what they want.

I have every sympathy with you and with him and I think you will get a better resolution in the end if you realise that he's not trying to be a bad husband over a good son. He will just be SO uncomfortable in himself if they are displeased.

OP this is shite. So sorry.

It needs nipping in the bud right now though. You are doing the right thing. DH needs to wake up right now. There are years more of this shit ahead otherwise.

Speak to him and give him the ultimatum of continuing to be weak, or keeping you and ds in the same home.
That should do it.
None of PIL antics would register if your dh didn't allow it.

"they accused us of drugging lo because he was a sleep and wasn't 'performing' for them"

And your husband still wants to see them & wants them to see the baby???

Pack a bag, buy a train ticket or get in your car and drive down to your family for a few weeks and tell him that either he gets his act together and puts his foot down or it is divorce.

Try and leave before he gets home and just leave him a message saying it is too much you need time to think as he is obviously not putting your needs as a first time mum first.

Go and stay with your parents for an indefinite time. Tell him he can see LO at their house but his parents are not seeing any of you for a while. He can either stand up to them or he will break your family apart and then his parents will barely ever get to see his child as they'll be cut off from you and only have access to him on his time.

OP my PIL are very, very similar but thankfully divorced before DH met me, I just can’t imagine what they would be like as a team still - just like your toxic inlaws I’m sure.

I have been married for 22 years and our 3 kids are teenagers but the issue with my MIL especially was a real shadow over what was otherwise a very happy marriage. Tuantha’s post is very insightful, as you say parents can be very different. Tuantha and our DHs grew up in a relationship with their parents that is very conditional, they only get approval from their parents if they fulfill their parents wishes at all times. Their parents withhold love and support and instead pile on the guilt which causes so much anxiety in the adult child they will do almost anything to avoid it. It usually means they just always give in to the parent.

Your DH grew up with his parents constantly violating his boundaries, he is not allowed to have boundaries and when you say “no” he and his parents can’t cope because in their relationship DH is not allowed to say no. If he does he is a “terrible person”. My DH uses exactly the same language. Children with toxic parents such as these grow up in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and just don’t know how to change the dynamic with their parents.

I have soooo many stories of MIL bizarre behaviour in her effort to continue to control DH and by extension our marriage and family. I can say SNAP though about drugging the baby! When my youngest was born she was living a lot closer than when we’d had our first two children, so she would constantly drop by unannounced and without fail it would be during DS’s afternoon nap, when I would also take the opportunity for a quick nap myself. She would ring the doorbell and bang on the front door constantly until she woke us up. Of course the baby was exhausted and confused when she saw him and so we were clearly drugging him!

This problem (very toxic parents/ILs) is unfortunately quite a common one and people have found different ways to solve the problem or cope. We emigrated for six years!!!! Seriously!! It was awesome as it meant the children’s young childhood years were not influenced by the craziness and were stress-free for DH and I. Also with the distance DH was able to recognize how bizarre his mum’s behaviour was, without me saying a word.

Your DH has to be able to create and enforce boundaries protecting your marriage and your new family. How he gets to that point is the crux of the issue.

I remember the previous threads and your PIL sound incredibly unreasonable and demanding.

Does your DH know how seriously this is affecting you? If not, do you think that he might be more likely to stand up to them if he knew that you are at breaking point? He really needs to stop enabling their behaviour for your sake and the sake of your child.

Talk to your husband. Tell him that their behaviour is putting immense pressure on your and making you feel anxious. Show him this post..... if he is a reasonable man he will stop this by speaking to PIL … they are being very, very unreasonable.

My mum has been like this in the past but it was a cultural thing due to our Italian upbringing. My dh has found it very difficult and he didn't speak to my mum for over a year after her being particularly intrusive. She has eased off. She does still continue to phone me at least once a day. I don't know what the answer is. Not sure leaving him is the answer but a short sharp shock like a break - you staying at your mums will make him see that he should be putting you first.

This, as you know, is a DH issue!
Has he read any books or info on the internet?
FOG (fear obligation guilt)
Toxic mothers
Etc....
Could you escape with LO for a week or two?
Just to get your head straight.
Could you stay with your mum and dad?
This will be your life for decades if you don't sort it or leave.
Sorry, but it really is that simple.
The fact your DH won't move, even though you have nothing and no-one there, also says a lot about him!

I’ve had similar but not as intense. I’m leaving my DH and tbh you should too. Why does he get to dictate what goes on in your house? Why does he feel bad about letting down his parents but doesn’t care how you feel or how it is affecting the baby?

I’ve been at my mums house for a week now and I’m going to move as soon as I can.

I think you should go to your parents and tell them and your friends everything.

Stupid people. Their actions will result in them seeing their GD less not more.

Sod that! I’d go away for a while letting your husband know if he doesn’t sort out there shitty behaviour you’ll not be coming back.

It's time for you to pack a bag and go to your parents with the baby.

Tell your useless husband that you'll be staying there until the issue with his parents is resolved. That is what you do now. And stay firm. I wish I had done this but I didn't have the family support to do it.

You have to mean business. And never have contact with his parents again.

Right OP ...bless your heart,Tonight ,regardless of when they come you are going to have to have it out with them in no uncertain terms.If done right you only need to do it once.,and now seems a good a time as any,,I would blow the whole thing apart,..put baby to bed as usual and tell them including husband you need them to all sit down as you need to talk to them...sit them down and say right enough..i have put up with this bullshit long enough from you lot...you all get your time to demand what you want now its time to listen to me...I am so sick of feeling like I do because of how you are all making me feel..my lo is not a toy neither am I a performing monkey..I am telling you this once and only once I will not repeat myself..if nothing changes I am leaving you.(point at husband) but important to say in front of inlaws...I have had enough now I am going upstairs you lot sort your bloody selves out because if you dont back off I swear I am going and non of you will see me for dust...in between tell them how its going to be ..how you want it....you will shake and feel sick inside but once done and they have all digested it I promise you you should feel much better ...get it out in the open take no more crap and lay it on the line xx I would....if done right and they are shocked enough you will only need to do it once....don;t let them muscle in anymore and make you feel like crap ..you deserve much better ...Best Wishes ...

In these situations the dh is pacifying the in laws not necessarily because he agrees, but because they give him more grief than his wife does!

There comes a point you have to flip that! He lives with you every day - you're in the perfect position to make it clear its YOU he needs to support not them.

I actually think telling him this has got you to the point of leaving altogether is a good idea. He needs to know what he risks losing, and he needs to know you've reached breaking point!

Shouldn't be necessary I know, but have a think about how often you'd be comfortable seeing the in laws/them visiting you, how much notice they need to give, that dh doesn't say yes to them visiting WITHOUT checking with you first, how you expect them to behave when you do see them, how you expect dh to react when they overstep and what remedies you'd be ok with putting in place to deal with them (eg blocking on your phone). Discuss all this with dh, possibly with the idea that he then explains what WILL be happening going forward - ie resetting boundaries.

If dh is completely unwilling to even discuss/consider any of this then I wouldn't blame you if you did leave.

I'd have a firm chat with your DH and tell him how your feeling and that you can't cope with it anymore, tell him the truth you won't let his parents ruin yours and DS life and if that means you have to split because he doesn't want to be a man and speak up then that's the road it will end up going down.