Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think at some point you have to reign in your personal life to stop it effecting work?

71 replies

overagain · 28/09/2018 13:16

I have a friend, she has a number of health issues and also doesn't seem to handle stress very well but instead of learning techniques to help herself she takes it out on work. It seems to be a cycle that happens about every 3 years:

Gets a new job - likes new job, tries to get a promotion - doesn't get it- her health deteriorates - has time off - has a personal crisis - has time off - gets picked up at work for the deterioration in her work and her absence - goes through disciplinary proceedings - somehow keeps her job - puts in a grievance against a manager - applies for new job.

The first time I was really sympathetic and understanding, offered her advice and supported her through it. Second time I was supportive but gave her a bit of a tough talking to about the need to learn resilience and strategies and helped her with some ideas. Third time I was still supportive but distanced myself a little. She's now just called me again to say she has a disciplinary hearing next week as her boss is picking on her and thinks she should be doing more work than she is. She's been off for 5 weeks earlier this year and had a phased return to work, she was back to her normal hours for 3 weeks then took time off again for personal stress (3 weeks) came back on reduced workload, was then off again for 2 weeks for personal reasons and has been back in work for around 6 weeks now but hasn't increased her workload and isn't fulfilling her responsibilities.

I just don't know what to do. She's very highly strung and takes things very personally and feels attacked if things are brought up with her. She feels work should be more sympathetic to her personal issues and shouldn't be hounding her about getting her job done.

12 years, 4 jobs and 4 disciplinary's. it can't just be bad managers and bad luck can it?

OP posts:
Original poster
overagain · 28/09/2018 13:18

And personal stresses include a miscarriage, a new regime for her physical health condition (both seem fair enough for me), moving house, relationship difficulties (not separation though), work being done to the house, falling out with her mum (several), childcare issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
overagain · 28/09/2018 13:19

*affecting. Sorry.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 28/09/2018 13:20

How does she keep getting these new jobs with all that absence

RayRayBidet · 28/09/2018 13:24

Does she have any MH issues?

cheesefield · 28/09/2018 13:27

That's a hell of a lot of time off. How much of that time was for the miscarriage and health issue?

Miladymilord · 28/09/2018 13:29

I have a friend like this and she's a PITA. It's always works fault as well, despite them bending over backwards to help

owabno · 28/09/2018 13:33

I consider personal life to be of much higher importance than a job. Always.

12 years, 4 jobs and 4 disciplinary's. it can't just be bad managers and bad luck can it?

But you know it's not bad luck. It is related to her health and stress.

Original poster
overagain · 28/09/2018 13:34

StealthPolarBear some of the time off she can write off due to disability discrimination. And now you can't take sick leave in to consideration before offering someone a job!

RayRayBidet not until very recently (last 2 weeks) when she was diagnosed with depression, but is refusing treatment as she doesn't think she is (she may not be, I don't know).

Cheesefield 5 weeks for the miscarriage. The rest is a mix of her health issue, general illness, stress etc. They aren't all huge chunks. She'll often say it's her health issue though, even if it isn't because it affords her a certain amount of protection.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 28/09/2018 13:34

It does sound like she’s had a run of bad luck but it’s more than that to happen in four separate work places...

It’s tough if she’s got health issues and I doubt you’ll ever get her to consider her employers point of view but she would benefit from realising there’s no favours here. She’s being paid and employed to do a specific job.

It’s great when employers are supportive but there needs to be give and take and an understanding of limits and boundaries.

ThePinkOcelot · 28/09/2018 13:35

She’s lucky to keep getting new jobs with that record, though not sure sickness absence is asked about these days is it? I think the question is gone from the nhs forms.

WhenIWasAYoungWarthog · 28/09/2018 13:36

Have you asked her why the same pattern of events comes up in every job she has?

Seniorcitizen1 · 28/09/2018 13:36

I reigned in my work to stop it interfering with my personal life. Went self employed and earned just the same for many less hours. Then as got very successful employed a few people to take the strain whereas I cut my hours. Now work 3 days a week and earn more than did when worked for someone else.

Loopytiles · 28/09/2018 13:36

This doesn’t sound to be about her “personal life” but about her mental health.

WhenIWasAYoungWarthog · 28/09/2018 13:38

I think you can still ask an interviewee how many days you’ve had off sick in the last year and your previous employer can confirm whether this is true as part of a reference. My last interview a couple of years ago certainly asked.

Original poster
overagain · 28/09/2018 13:38

owabno yes, personal life is more important than a job, but should your personal life be affecting your job to that degree? Shouldn't you at least try to keep them separate?

She's saying it's her managers, she isn't saying it's her health issues. And her personal stress issues don't seem any worse than anyone else's, it's how she manages it. I just think after this amount of time she should be seeking some level of support to manage her stress better and stop it having such an impact on her.

OP posts:
Mundotothemax · 28/09/2018 13:40

12 years, 4 jobs and 4 disciplinary's. it can't just be bad managers and bad luck can it?

My record wasn't anything like that but things never seemed to go well. They always loved me at first and then it went pear-shaped for no reason I could really fathom.

Turns out I have ASD.

I'm not saying it's the same with her, but I wasn't diagnosed until my 40s and many people still don't believe that I have it!

hellokittymania · 28/09/2018 13:41

I do very well for the situation I’m in and for the needs that I have, but I think people can completely underestimated how much stress can do. Not everybody is the same, and in less you’ve walked in her shoes, you can’t understand fully what she is going through. Little things can make me very very tired just because of the extra effort I have to put in. So while they might not affect you, they certainly affect me.

RayRayBidet · 28/09/2018 13:41

Sounds like she gets a job, is all fired up then gets passed over for promotion (for whatever reason) so she gets pissed off and starts being off sick.
I had someone like this who worked for me in my last job.
I don't think you need to do anything apart from stay out of it for your own sanity.
My advice is don't get involved in helping her with it (she knows the drill now) and if asked be busy.
Try to do things with her to take her mind off her troubles instead. So no if it's help me prepare for disciplinary but yes let's go out for lunch or a nice trip out somewhere to cheer you up.

RayRayBidet · 28/09/2018 13:42

Not that I don't sympathise with her physical illness and mc.

QuimNiceButDim · 28/09/2018 13:43

My sympathies, OP. I have a relative like this. No MH or health issues but starts a job, immediately surmises he’s smarter/more qualified/better than everyone in his team including management, starts making it known that he feels this way through sneery comments, gets brought up on it (and generally aggressive demeanor), starts bullying grievance, loses grievance (which is PROOF that his manager has always seen him as a threat and validates his claim), looks for new job, repeat ad naseum.

You can’t help people like this.
I’ve dostanced myself greatly from him and do not engage with him at all on work-related issues.

owabno · 28/09/2018 13:44

personal life is more important than a job, but should your personal life be affecting your job to that degree?

You would hope not. But in the real world, yes, personal life affects everything.

Shouldn't you at least try to keep them separate?

Oh dear.

Maybe she can't?

LanceStatersGold · 28/09/2018 13:44

The thing is even IF it is the managers (and I suspect we’ve all had bosses that we haven’t felt comfortable with), your friend could still employ strategies to help her cope with them. You can’t change others, only your response etc etc.

Does she feel like work gets in the way of life? I know a few people who really can’t work within the normal 9 to 5 parameters but have thrived when going outside of that.

Or could she ask for flexible working?

Immigrantsong · 28/09/2018 13:44

You don't sound like a friend.

Immigrantsong · 28/09/2018 13:46

You don't even sound like you like her at all. Why are you still in her life when you think so low of her?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 28/09/2018 13:48

I consider personal life to be of much higher importance than a job. Always.

Absolutely this. I’ve put my personal life on hold and my health at risk for a job and got no thanks. In fact, I got even less than no thanks - I was cast aside when it suited the company.

That said, I think we do have an obligation to at least try and limit the effect our issues have on others, be it work, family or friends.