To think at some point you have to reign in your personal life to stop it effecting work?

[overagain]

I have a friend, she has a number of health issues and also doesn't seem to handle stress very well but instead of learning techniques to help herself she takes it out on work. It seems to be a cycle that happens about every 3 years:

Gets a new job - likes new job, tries to get a promotion - doesn't get it- her health deteriorates - has time off - has a personal crisis - has time off - gets picked up at work for the deterioration in her work and her absence - goes through disciplinary proceedings - somehow keeps her job - puts in a grievance against a manager - applies for new job.

The first time I was really sympathetic and understanding, offered her advice and supported her through it. Second time I was supportive but gave her a bit of a tough talking to about the need to learn resilience and strategies and helped her with some ideas. Third time I was still supportive but distanced myself a little. She's now just called me again to say she has a disciplinary hearing next week as her boss is picking on her and thinks she should be doing more work than she is. She's been off for 5 weeks earlier this year and had a phased return to work, she was back to her normal hours for 3 weeks then took time off again for personal stress (3 weeks) came back on reduced workload, was then off again for 2 weeks for personal reasons and has been back in work for around 6 weeks now but hasn't increased her workload and isn't fulfilling her responsibilities.

I just don't know what to do. She's very highly strung and takes things very personally and feels attacked if things are brought up with her. She feels work should be more sympathetic to her personal issues and shouldn't be hounding her about getting her job done.

12 years, 4 jobs and 4 disciplinary's. it can't just be bad managers and bad luck can it?

Some people like to manufacture drama. It's a way of life for them. To start with it seems reasonable, the situations they're in, how they are a victim etc. Then over time through their own actions they prove they are the ones turning normal everyday events into drama.

I knew someone quite similar to your friend OP. I knew her in one job, she raised a grievance. It all seemed justified, I sympathised etc. Next job she is there 3 months before same thing again. It became clear it was an issue with her sense of entitlement, not the employers. Like somehow work owed her for bothering to show up at all.

What blew my mind is how she seemed to totally get away with it all. Odd.

I'd back away slowly tbh. Don't get sucked in. I would bet she doesn't ask about your life when you see her?

I don't want to be mean, but this really doesn't sound like any of your business.

I don't get how anyone thinks it's not the Op's business if this friend keeps unloading all these workplace situations on her. Clearly she does open up to OP about all this otherwise how would she know? As friends we do not have to accept that our friends are always in the right or indeed always worthy of sympathy. Everyone has a point where compassion fatigue sets in when we see the same patterns emerging again and again. Sometimes we and our friends need telling straight that some of our problems are of our own making and we are the ones who need to address them rather than everyone else having to constantly support us through them.

A woman has just left our company because she was invited to a meeting about her absence (15 days this year).

Her version of events is that this was SOOOO unfair, SOOOO harsh, and SOOOOO cruel.

Bollocks. We bent over backwards, sideways and upsidedown to accommodate her. We were really pleased with her work. We were about to give her a big payrise. Endless records of support she was offered, meetings with her, training given when asked, and EVERY member of staff tried their hardest to make her feel appreciated.

There was a lot going on - a mother in the background dominating her - but she blamed it all on us, and we're doing low key prep to be ready for a case of constructive dismissal.

(it particularly pisses me off that she whined to lower ranked staff who had no idea of how difficult she was and just how much we offered her and went around catching sympathy like coins in a hat)

I think you’re getting a hard time OP. There’s clearly a pattern and if she’s the common denominator then it’s not unreasonable to wonder how you’re suppose to help her when she won’t reflect and won’t help herself.

@user1490607838 because she tells me as a PP said, she's one of those people that likes to talk about things.

Rednaxela I don't think she's ever asked about my life!

Firstbornunicorn so when she calls to talk to me, what do you suggest I do? It isn't like I call her and ask for all the details! I'm asking here how I can help her, not how I can find out more.

RibbonAurora thanks, I think you've summed up nicely there.

If she doesn’t ask about your life then is she really a friend? Is this your SIL?

To come at this from another angle - at what point does she think it’s reasonable for a business to take her down performance plan and disciplinary routes? Why does she feel she is suited to a higher pressure role when her current one is causing her so much pressure?

I have every sympathy for her, she’s clearly struggling, but employment is not purely to provide an individual with a wage. It’s also to supply a service to a business. If one person is continually not coming in, having lots of time off, not completely work when they are in - you can’t continuously manage this delicately with that one person with no consideration for others in the business and the business itself.

it isn't money. She considers herself very career driven and her DH earns a shit tonne (her words). She doesn't have to work and could stay at home if she wanted. Like me, I think work gives her a sense of purpose.

But that doesn't mean she wants to rely on her DH for money does it? My DP earns enough that I wouldn't have to work, but I don't want to rely purely on his income - after all he could become ill himself / made redundant / god forbid he could die and then I'd be totally fucked. Maybe she feels similarly.

PoesyCherish I'm in the same position as you, that comment was specifically at a PP who asked if she didn't really want to work but needed to for money.

MrsZB no not my SIL. She fun and we get on. I don't need all friends to "be there" for me, different friends have different remits and I have different roles in their lives too.

It is hard to be self-aware. We all know people who go through their entire lives being victims, unable to look themselves in the mirror and say "the problem is me".

You sound like a good friend OP but one who has become understandably exasperated. I think 4 jobs in 12 years is acceptable but 4 disciplinary actions are definitely not normal.

Maybe she needs some time out between jobs to recover.

She sounds like a total nightmare. Lots of people go through shit in their personal life and don't behave like this at work.

This type of behaviour isn’t unusual. And unfortunately many parents encourage their kids to behave like this at school so the behaviour is normalised quite quickly.

In the end it means that the drama actually becomes true and their life stops because they cannot progress within their job.

I would be exasperated too. She sounds like majorly hard work and a drain on wherever she works. I imagine she gets the new jobs because people in the old jobs write glowing references just to get her out of there. The NHS has a good few people like this in it sadly

PoesyCherish I'm in the same position as you, that comment was specifically at a PP who asked if she didn't really want to work but needed to for money.

But that was my point OP, I feel like I need to for the money as it's not fair to rely 100% on my DP. I am disabled, I'm off work sick at the moment. I really shouldn't go back to work but really I need to because of the money.

I can really empathise with your friend here but I can also see why you feel exacerbated too.

She is being a bit crap. Sounds like she doesn't really care about her work, as she admittedly doesn't need the money. The outcome of her behaviour is inconvenience, rather than personal disaster.

I've had a couple of lengthy periods of sickness over 11 years. The first was for vital surgery and recovery.
Phased return, then back full time.

The second was a nervous breakdown following 2 unexpected family deaths very close together, my partner having a very nearly fatal accident, with life changing injuries. Both of my parents being diagnosed with serious illnesses - one terminal, and my youngest brother being diagnosed with cancer. These things all happened within a year, and I coped until I just broke. Life still isn't easy, but I'm medicated and seeing a counsellor. I was unable to work for 7 weeks, then returned.

I was worried that this could be perceived as flaky, but I literally could not function.
Back working again now full time. Couldn't afford to stop, despite having some ropy times.

If I had sufficient finances, I would have resigned to support my family.

I am with the OP that it cannot be just bad luck. The OPs friend somehow needs to have help both coming to terms with her limitations and trying to reduce the impact of them, as no employer however sympathetic is going to manage around someone for ever. The other thing is, like it or not, it is going to become more difficult to move jobs as the OPs friend gets older (ageism does still exist despite all laws etc).

I’ve had way more than 4 jobs in 12 years 😂

I suppose I’m a little like your friend. After a while in a job I get pissed off and resign. But without the sickness and disciplinaries. I just leave off all the crappy temp jobs and times where I have left after a month off my CV and nobody ever questions it!