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AIBU?

To tell her to stop?

69 replies

CupidNeedsANewJob · 28/09/2018 09:32

This year will be my daughter's first Christmas.
Single mum, her dad doesn't really pay anything, just little gifts here and there.
After finding out I was pregnant I took on 2 jobs and worked til a week before I have birth to save as much money as possible to be able to comfortably afford anything my baby needed during the first year, because I wasn't able to get maternity pay from my jobs as I hadn't work there long enough (i have but I work away for the summer so technically I have to leave and be rehired every year when I return, my boss is ok with this)
Anyway my mum, is great. Very helpful with DD who is 5 months, allowed me to live with her so that she can help out as the father isn't around (lives in another country) we have been arguing alot recently so that's why I don't know how to approach this.
She is constantly buying Christmas gifts for DD, now I'm so grateful for this so don't get me wrong, but I wanted to be the one who buys most this for my DD. I want to spoil her I worked hard so I could do that. Obviously she can buy her gifts and it's a great help but

  1. She will be 8 months and there only so many things you can buy without wasting money as they obviously won't play with everything if you buy too much
  2. Everytime I say oh I'm going to get this or that for her Christmas she will say "oh I'll get it" or just go ahead and get it anyway even when I say no.
  3. I've already spoke to her about it, and said I really appreciate the help but I would really like to buy her the majority of her gifts. But she doesn't seem to listen?

What can I do, it's making me feel put out, and pushed a side. AIBU to feel like that?
Should I just go ahead and let her buy what she wants cos I'm being ungrateful?
My brother has a baby too who is 4 months older than mine and him and his partner really struggle with money so I know they will need alot of help, they always do. So I don't know if it's a case of she just wants to spend on each grandchild equally.
I don't know I'm just in a bad place at the moment and everything is gettin on top of me and I don't know if I'm just over reacting to everything.


Also part of me doesn't want her doing too much as my brother already gets on at me saying I have it easy because I live with my mum so get more help than them, so I'm reluctant to accept alot of help over fears of being made to feel guilty by my brother. Although in my defence, they are 2 people with 2 incomes, I am 1 person, so even with the help of my mum it means that we are in the same position. If you understand.

Sorry for going on.
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CripsSandwiches · 28/09/2018 09:37

I can 100% understand how you feel. What are your long term plans? Do you plan to live with your mum indefinitely? If not I'd probably grit by teeth and save my own money. DD won't know who the gifts are from anyway. If you plan to stay long term it's more tricky and I'd want to make sure there were solid boundaries in place - not so much for gifts but for parenting in general.

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FittonTower · 28/09/2018 09:38

Does it really matter? In 5/10/20 years time will it have effected your relationship with either your mum or your daughter or will you look back and smile about your mum being a bit over the top for a christmas or two?
If it's the first then you probably have to move out if asking her to chill a bit isn't working, if it's the second then just don't mention the stuff you really want to buy yourself and let her crack on with the other stuff.
Your DD won't know yet who is buying what or even what any of the stuff is and even when she's old enough to know she gets spoiled by her gran it's not going to make her think any less of you.
If it's just the gift buying and not part of a pattern of undermining your parenting or whatever I'd probably leave her to it. Makes her happy, doesn't harm anyone.

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Jakethekid · 28/09/2018 09:43

Could you ask that instead of wasting money on gifts could she instead put it into a savings account for your child?

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Charlie97 · 28/09/2018 10:09

I think you're being ridiculous! It'll have no bearing on your daughters relationship with you if you buy the gifts or not.

The only thing I would stop is the amount of gifts but then you seem to be in competition over who "spoils" her most, spoilt children are unattractive.

Also save your money and get your own place!

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CupidNeedsANewJob · 28/09/2018 10:15

Well it's not ridiculous to want to provide for my child and give her the best I can on a special occasion. I made the choice to have the baby therefore I want to provide for her. If my mum wants to buy gifts then I'm not going to say no, but I wanted to be the one to buy the main gifts. I guess it's more about feeling pride that I can and will provide my child with the things that make her happy.
And yes spoilt children are not attractive, but if I wanna spoil her I will. I will still raise her to be grateful. I was spilt and so were my brothers and neither one of us are ungrateful nor do we act spoilt.
It's my first time being a mum. Spoiling yoir child is not a bad thing as long as you also teach them to be grateful and generous with others.
But thanks for that input Charlie.
My mum is taking my ideas of gifts to buy for my child, that's my problem, it's how I feel, I don't think it's ridiculous to feel this way. I've always been independent, and don't worry I was planning on moving out anyway.

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Charlie97 · 28/09/2018 10:19

Provide for your child by saving your money, getting your own place and parenting her the way you want to! Not by buying ridiculous amounts of presents and living with your mum!

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Sparklyfee · 28/09/2018 10:20

You say that neither you or your brother are ungrateful now, yet you sound like you are being ungrateful!

Your mum feels the same way about you as you feel about your child. She is trying to look after you and protect you.

If you want more independence then save the money you would have spent on these gifts towards a place to live for you and your daughter

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Unicornandbows · 28/09/2018 10:20

Hey op in that case don't tell her what it is you are buying for DD.

Your lucky don't forget that..

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MsOliphant · 28/09/2018 10:21

Why are you telling your mum all about this stuff you want to by? Why not keep it to yourself?

It all sounds a bit childish tbh. At 8 months, your DD is probably going to be more interested in the wrapping paper.

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Sparklyfee · 28/09/2018 10:21

She will definitely be more interested in the wrapping paper Grin

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Charlie97 · 28/09/2018 10:25

@CupidNeedsANewJob

It's not ridiculous to want to provide for my child


But you're not! Buying presents is not providing for your child, putting a roof over her head and food on the table is. But your mum is doing that!

As PP says you sound ungrateful and you do also sound spoilt!

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MsOliphant · 28/09/2018 10:27

How come the dad ducks out of paying anything, anyway? Get on to the CSA. ‘Little gifts’ indeed. Seems like at the moment your mum is doing the providing.

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Enko · 28/09/2018 10:29

OP your dd is going to be 8 months. She will be more interested in pulling down the Christmas tree decorations and playing with the paper.

Instead of focusing on presents try to put your focus into making some lovely Christmas traditions.

For example

Trip to a special toy shop
Trip to see lights somewhere
Trip to see Father Christmas
Photo of her in a Christmas setting
Make cookies and take photo of her with the dough
Make Christmas cake and get everyone (including dd with help) to stir (Photo again)
Special outfit
Christmas eve box
Advent calendar
Christmas book you only ready in the lead up for Christmas

That is what your dd will remember not who gave her what gift.

Mine are in their teens we still try to each year get up to London to go to Harrods for their Christmas shop buy 1 bauble each then to for Ice cream before setting off to see the lights in Carnaby street Regents street and Oxford street (it was the last 2 but Carnaby has become our favourite)

Every year we make Christmas pudding and everyone stirs it in

Every year on Christmas eve they get new PJ's from ? (this is a big thing they all comment on it with lovely eye rolls Smile)

None of them can remember who gave them the most gifts

They can remember the time I took with them.

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Nightwatch999 · 28/09/2018 10:29

Be grateful she cares!

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CupidNeedsANewJob · 28/09/2018 10:29

That's fine. I haven't said how much I've going to spend on her. I had 3 gifts in mind thank wanted to buy that feel she would really enjoy, judging by the experience with other toys at soft play etc, so if my idea to spoil her is to buy her 5 gifts is that a bad things? You are acting as if I'm going to be spending thousands. I know she is young and will be interested in the boxes or paper but those 3 gifts were something I was looking forward to buying, i told my mum about them beacsue we live in the same house, it comes up in conversation, looking on the internet for example I see the gifyni want to buy on offer and my mum.is beside me. I say oh look that's on offer now, I'll go buy it and save some money. Thebnso goes to buy it. So if she buys the 3 gifts I'm left without having anything to buy, because if you read my post you see I say that I know an 8 month old won't need much and will be a waste of money to buy too much. I'm not ungrateful, and how you got that because I want to enjoy buyingngifts for my daughter I don't know.but everyone has an opinion so you're welcome to express it. I am the most generous person, I will help anyone out of they need it. So please don't judge my personality and attitude by one post on the internet. Thank you.

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CupidNeedsANewJob · 28/09/2018 10:33

Thanks enko, I was planning to do these things anyway. Just I planned for these special 3 gifts and now she already has the. It just kind of knocked me Back a little. I know my mum cares and I am grateful and I know I'm lucky.
I guess I was just wanting the joy of buying these gifts and seeing her play with them knowing I bought them. It's more for me, not her. I've had a very shitty year and Christmas is my favourite time of the year, I was looking forward to it more now that I have a child, so when my plans were put off a bit I was just a bit disappointed that's all.

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LusaCole · 28/09/2018 10:37

Sorry OP, but I agree with other posters. It’s lovely that you want to make Christmas special for your little one, but honestly it would be better to spend your hard earned money saving for the future and making plans to move out of your mum’s home.

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DevonshireCreamTea · 28/09/2018 10:37

I think you need to get a grip

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Charlie97 · 28/09/2018 10:38

@CupidNeedsANewJob yes this is all about you and not your child.

Honestly you need to see what's actually important and given your arguing with your mum it is important that you move out and raise your child in a calm environment.

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Nightwatch999 · 28/09/2018 10:38

Why ask for advice OP if you do not like what you are reading? Go get your own house if you are trying to prove a point on who does the most for your DD. Seriously grow up

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Wheresthebeach · 28/09/2018 10:46

You've lost track about what is important. She won't remember this at all, nor will she care. Be grateful and save some money instead!

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Sparklyfee · 28/09/2018 10:49

I'm not entirely sure this is about the presents. You said you feel pushed aside.

Maybe you should spend the money you've saved on moving out because at the moment it's your mum providing for you and your child. You might feel more in control and independent if you do the providing

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newhousenewstart · 28/09/2018 10:51

I’d suggest using the money you would have spent on gifts on putting a down payment on rent for your own place. Let your mother buy whatever she wants. Your child won’t know or remember who she received what from.
This all sounds a bit silly.
You have your own family now and, if possible should be living alone with your child

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CripsSandwiches · 28/09/2018 10:51

I think you need to remember that, especially for young children, gift giving is essentially fairly selfish. Your 8 month old DD won't be any happier for having lots of christmas gifts - it will make YOU happy to give the gift to her.

Long term what will make DD happy is having a stable home, a relaxed mum who pays her lots of attention. It will be years before she can tell the difference or care much whether you give her a second hand teddy from a charity shop or a a brand new one from Harrods.

Concentrate on your DD. Save your money for your own place and the things that will help you and DD long term.

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MadeForThis · 28/09/2018 10:53

Missing the main point but I hope you're claiming maternity allowance?

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